Confessions (Patreon)

Hey y’all.❤️ Here I am, once again trying to decide how much to share without it being TMI, without making the situation sound alarming, and without coming across like a grumpy sad sack who brings you a 10:1 ratio of excuses to ASMR. I guess here are the 3 big things:

1. I’m continuing to struggle to successfully record at night. A number of the steps I’ve taken over the past six months or so to help me be more healthy and functional in general have also contributed to it being very difficult for me to stay awake and remain both mentally and physically capable for long stretches overnight. I think I’m getting closer to figuring out how to make it work (I’m also gradually getting healthier, which makes it easier!) but it’s been a lot of trial and error. Quite a few nights now of being up all night with nothing to show for it but an SD card full of bad takes and a fresh list of disappointing, frustrating experiences to try and process in a positive way. I’m working hard on building resilience and learning how to “fail well”. I think it’s making me a better person and a better artist, but it’s honestly not as enjoyable as the more popular and simple “try hard and immediately enjoy wonderful success” dynamic.

2. This feels uncomfortable and intimidating to talk about for a few reasons, but I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m feeling very self-conscious about it. Back in December, out of desperation, I made some major dietary changes to see if that might make a dent in some of my more debilitating chronic health symptoms. To my genuine surprise, the changes have indeed reduced many of those symptoms dramatically. Despite not being a reduced calorie diet, I began losing weight pretty quickly—at first I viewed the loss as a perfectly welcome side effect of the diet, but after a few months it began to slip into “stop this ride, I want to get off” territory.

This is difficult to explain, in part because most people tend to assume that all weight loss is positive and healthy (it’s not), and in part because I don’t want my personal insecurities to translate as criticism of any body types. All bodies are good bodies!❤️ However, to me, I look very different, I’m having trouble getting used to it, and—as I look at the 2+ hours of failed video footage I filmed last night—I’m feeling very anxious wondering what comments (positive or negative) viewers might make.

3. With all that other stuff said, I want to emphasize that I am *overall* doing well. Both my mental and physical health are better than they’ve been in as long as I can remember, and are on an upward trend. I still have very difficult moments, and very difficult days, but I am happy, I’m getting stronger, and I’m working hard at developing the skills I need to participate in life the way I want to. Work/YouTube is probably my biggest challenge right now, but I‘m hopeful that with patience, optimism, and a commitment to using my failures as a valuable resource, I’ll figure out how to make this work in a way that feels good for all of us.

Thank you so much to all of you who’ve been here, being patient and optimistic alongside me. I can’t tell you how much your kindness has helped. I really do love you, and I hope to see you (with new videos!) soon.❤️

Love,

JB

P.S. if any of you are curious and missed it, I did make a public post a few days ago about being diagnosed with ADHD. It can be found on my JB Green Twitter and Facebook accounts, as well as my YT Community page.