⛥ January Q&A (Patreon)

Good morning! It's a beautiful warm day today and by that I mean it's above freezing - which is a welcome change from the nonstop snow we've been getting where I live. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful the air smells. There's nothing more invigorating than the smell of water, wet soil and greenery. It's so refreshing I want to go for a walk in case it starts raining but I also want to air out the apartment in case someone smokes (which is why I can't leave - they're unpredictable and I need to be on standby in case the fresh air gets contaminated with cancer from one of my neighbors blowing smoke out of their windows and into mine.)  In any case, the smell reminds me of spring and even though I know it won't be spring in Bavaria until April, I'm getting in the Imbolc spirit and breathing life and thanking all universal forces for a chance to leave my mark on this world and experience something I never have before. And yes, that's something I do these days - not to minimize and deny the inevitable and undeniable horror and pain and suffering of life and invalidate my own feelings and experiences - not to lie to myself and virtue signal because random douchebags who know nothing about what I've been through have shamed me for my truth by telling me I should be grateful that I am alive like I owe it to something or somebody to feel positively about existence - but just because I've learned to value my experience and abilities at least a little bit (unlike douchebags trying to tell me how to feel) and even if the world goes to shit and I'm powerless to change the values and actions of the masses as but a solitary individual, I wasn't born to lead a passive existence. I'm here to create what I want and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do so. No more and no less. 

Oh, I am also thankful for the insane number of questions you keep providing me each month! I've had months in the past with one or two questions where I was seriously afraid to disappoint if my answers weren't interesting enough. But this time? Insane! So let's get started before my legs cramp up from fidgeting. 

Did you see the "Seattle Hologram Light Show" on New Years Eve? I haven't but I will gladly check it out after this post!

What kind of coffee do you drink for breakfast? I drink espresso. To me there's nothing better than a hearty, full bodied cappuccino to fuel my body and numb my brain so I can function. I currently only have a moka pot to prepare my coffee in (I'm using a fair trade certified arabica/robusta espresso roast) but in the future I would love to have a real espresso machine and be able to extract my espresso with the ideal pressure to produce a full bodied, non-acidic cup that I can truly enjoy the taste of and not just use like a  prescription free drug to manage my sensory overload. 

Have you heard of a YouTube channel called Andrei Cerbu’s Garage? Nope. Seems they're an independent musician? Interesting. That stuff never makes it in my recommended feed. But then YouTube wants to autoplay their own dumbass talk shows after every video I click on anyway. I never watch talk shows or anything remotely resembling that shit and I don't give a fuck what Michelle thinks. Get this bullshit out of my bubble XD

Have you ever created yourself on the Sims? Yeah, there has been an Ally sim. But I prefer to play with other characters as I get too invested and stress out whenever something in the game doesn't go the way I want (I have mods to prevent a lot of shit from happening). And it's not so much that I play with them - I train them. My favorite thing is making townies that are goodlooking and interesting and worthy of befriending. So I create them, make them learn skills, give them the jobs I think they should have and drop them once they're good enough. Maybe someday I'll come around to putting Ally sim in my game but I hate basically everything EA has made beyond the development of the actual game and so I've been trying for years to build a town of my own from the ground up and I never make it very far before it crashes and I've spent so much time modding and scripting as per instructions trying to stop it from fucking up and crashing and lagging and I just can't cope without 10000 pieces of cc making various aesthetic changes to everything and it turns out the game no like cc! I'm still working on somehow making this game playable because I'm in love with the potential of it and the escape it provides but maybe by the time I accomplish that there will be competitors *cough*paralives*cough* and now I lost my train of thought cause the neighbor's kid is having a very loud tantrum (screaming wailing stomping and the parents are doing fuck-all). 

Do you know any remedies for chronic injuries? No, I've never had to deal with chronic injuries and I definitely have a lot to learn in the way of remedies and plant medicine. 

Have you ever been to a pub in London called The Swan? No, I've never been to London so it would be difficult for me to have found a specific pub there. 

Have you seen a horror movie called the Smiling Man? No. Is it any good? 

What movies and tv shows did you watch the most growing up? I don't recall ever actively watching movies as prime time TV was reserved to my parents and only my parents but as far as TV shows go my biggest obsession was always Sailor Moon. I watched it when I got home from school, recorded the every episode on VHS and watched it again every time I was bored on top of watching the rerun of the past day's episode before school in the mornings. Then kids started bullying me for liking Sailor Moon (in elementary school) which made me distance myself from the thing I enjoyed the most aswell as afraid to go outside for fear of being bullied. But I never stopped loving Sailor Moon! The show sparked my interest in astrology and I remember being so confused that Sailor Mercury was the poster child for both Gemini and Virgo and Sailor Venus was both Libra and Taurus. That was just wild to me. A person can only have one birthday after all! I now understand planetary rulers so it makes sense. But back then I thought for sure the system is flawed. As I was growing older I also really enjoyed watching Charmed and Sabrina the teenage witch. Though that had surprisingly little to do with me developing an affinity for the occult. Maybe because by that age I was old enough to recognize these shows as fiction. 

Have you seen From Hell? No. Is it any good? I was 12 when it came out and I'm not sure it ever made it to Germany. I'm sure I would have eaten that shit up back then but I've just never seen it (don't recognize it after watching the trailer.)

What are you most looking forward to when you move? *looks up at the wall that separates me from the source of the wailing, stomping and screaming* Quiet...

Do you like The Pretty Reckless? Yeah they're ok. Got a few catchy songs.

Have you done a two part livestream before? As in two consecutive days? Yeah I've recently added an extra day to my usual Sunday streams on the Ultra tier for those who have to work Sundays so now it's two consecutive days (Sunday and Monday). 

Is it extra hard to record videos concerning serious matters? For instance your patching you up video must have been quite emotional? No. It would be difficult in a personal setting but whenever I know I'm being watched (or will be watched) I automatically shut down my emotions and start masking. It's not voluntary in any way, just a coping mechanism that was necessary to protect myself when I was younger and vulnerable. Besides, when I'm doing a video most of my mental focus goes into the execution of the video into usable footage so I don't really have a chance to pay attention to my feelings (that is until I have a meltdown due to noise, physical discomfort or difficulty focusing).

Do you like old fashioned music? What do you mean by old fashioned music? If we take "old fashioned" to mean the opposite of contemporary it ranges from Mozart to 1940's Jazz to Bossa Nova to Rock&Roll to Disco to Tina Turner and everything in between. Those are very different genres and eras making it difficult to answer that question. 

What’s your favorite color(s)? Obviously black. Contrary to popular belief, I do like colors. There are a lot of pleasant colors I enjoy looking at like crimson, burgundy, burnt orange, sacramento green, cobalt blue, terracotta - though it is mostly specific shades of a color rather than the broad spectrum of a color that draw me in. If the HSL, chroma and temperature aren't just right, it's no longer the color I like. The thing with colors is that prolonged exposure to bright and/or ugly colors contributes greatly to my sensory overload which is why I surround myself with black. I figured that out recently when I asked myself what about colored clothing makes me so uncomfortable. It's cause the colors are continuously screaming at me on a sensory level. Not black. Black is not offensive. Black is nothing. It doesn't project any aura, it doesn't reflect any light. It just absorbs everything. I find that very calming and balancing. 

What do you do when you need to unwind? Depends how badly I need to unwind and how difficult it is given the circumstances at any point in time. It also depends what is stressing me out as that changes the range of things that will help me be less stressed out. I really enjoy taking baths as the sensation of being submerged in hot water is very calming on my senses. This directly combats stress caused by cold, constricting clothing and uncomfortable fabrics aswell as heightened emotions, discomfort caused by dry air, sweat, grease and dirt, gravity and other distressing consequences of human existence. If I've functioned for too long and have a hard time getting out of that anxiety driven productivity oriented "if I slow down I'll fail" mindset, the first thing I have to do is wash my face and change my clothes (and probably shower), otherwise my brain won't let go of the "potential of accomplishing more". Taking my makeup off and dressing down is usually what it takes to transition from "work time" to "no longer work time". If it's more persistent stress like anxiety about work and noise I have no control over I use alcohol to numb myself which fortunately it doesn't take much. If that doesn't help I need to completely take my mind off of everything around me so I like to immerse myself in a game as that is one of the few things that can get me to stop ruminating. The caveat with that is the nagging guilt for not being productive enough so it has to be a game that captivates enough of my attention to distract myself from that, too. Oftentimes I get overwhelmed with unmet needs so it is always helpful to have a meal and some water and go for a walk. I wish I had a more glamorous answer to that question like "oh I pour myself a glass of wine and talk to a friend while I relax on the couch with dim lighting and a cozy fire and fluffy blanket and am instantly able to relax!" and purely because I wish it was that easy but then again, is it really that easy for anyone? I've never met anyone who was like "I turn my computer and phone off and I'm good". No, for me it's a whole process that requires relaxing music and incense and crystals and baths and lots of validation and words of appreciation and a heated blanket and a cat and hand lotion and skin care and mood lighting and candles and cocktails and something that is somehow more engaging than my obsessive overthinking. And that's the unfortunate reality of that.

Have you ever played Playstation? No, my parents didn't think I was worthy of a console (and my adult life I was too broke to get one). I used to have a Super Nintendo which my parents talked me into giving away to less fortunate kids in Russia and because I'm naturally kind and generous I happily agreed but the thing is they promised me a Nintendo 64 which I was really looking forward to because I wanted to play Zelda but then one day they were like "listen we wanna get a PC instead and you can play games on that" like really bitch you wanna ditch the console you promised me for a computer that you know full well is for YOU and not for me? Dick move. 

Were you lead singer in your high school band? Yes. I lucked out, they liked my voice. It seems to be hit or miss, taking from the polarized comments on my singing and the fact that my singing videos have twice as many dislikes percentage wise as my other content. 

What’s your favourite flavour when it comes to chocolate? I've always been a fan of milk chocolate. My favorite one is the Rapunzel dark milk chocolate bar with Bolivian and Dominican cacao. An absolute delight. Occasionally I also enjoy white and dark chocolate, but milk chocolate is usually the way to my heart. 

Did any of your cats ever jump up and try to open doors? Yes, Leo would always open doors on his own. Ain't no inaccessible rooms in his domain! He was so savvy.

Have you ever seen a ghost in a castle or an old house? I've never been in an actual castle nor a really old house so I haven't seen any apparitions in those locations. I have however felt and seen entities in many mundane locations including my own apartment! That is entirely due to people dragging their attachments in here though. I wish there was a way to get people to take spiritual hygiene seriously. 

Have you ever worked as a massage therapist? No but I get that a lot lol. Glad y'all liking my massages so much!

Do you always dye your hair yourself? Yes, I'm used to dyeing my hair at home. I like my hair a solid color which is why it works out for me - anything more complicated would require a salon visit which I haven't really had the money for in my teens and twenties. Paying 50-100 Euros per dye job just wasn't feasible when that was my bi-weekly - monthly grocery budget for a good portion of it. 

What’s your favourite Marilyn Manson song? Cupid carries a gun. Super catchy!

Thank you again for your wonderful questions and if you have another question I will have the February Q&A post up in the beginning of February. I hope I didn't miss anything but in case I did, feel free to resubmit your question. That being said, I hope you're hanging in there and taking care of yourself. The full moon is really fucking with all of us emotionally lately and we're all doing the best we can but we just gotta be extra kind of ourselves right now. Eat something and drink some water. Cheers!