my standards are too damn high and I'm finally ready to admit it (Patreon)

I've been having serious sleep problems. Due to all of the appointments I keep having to center my life around at the moment, my body lost its wake-sleep cycle I've been training it to adhere to the past 4 years. With me having to either wake up early or stay up late to get moving preparations rolling, it's naturally trying to orient itself by the daylight hours while I'm desperately trying to get back to my regular nocturnal cycle, causing me to wake up early when I want to sleep in, get sleepy when I want to be working and be very tired a lot of the time. And while I'm struggling with basic functioning at the moment, I have had nearly unlimited opportunities for shadow work, self-reflection and... I guess you could call it behavioral therapy, except I'm the one doing it all. 

So if you've been following me here for a while (hi and thank you for sticking around!) you know I've been on the fence about specifically my perfectionism for a long time, knowing it's causing me meltdowns and general dissatisfaction with everything but holding on to it due to the fact that I've been giving my perfectionism in particular almost all the credit for the quality of work I've been able to produce and, make of that what you will, basing my self-worth on. What I've recently come to realize is that this mindset far transcends the threshold of my creative work! I'd like to invite you along on this little journey called "why am I like this" to gain insight on the psychology of a fellow human and maybe draw conclusions for yourself that help you understand your own experience better and enable you to better navigate this very confusing and overwhelming condition we live in. 

Why am I like this?

It's become rather impossible to deny that I seem to have an innate obsession with self-improvement. At first glance, the answer to that is simple - "You don't think you're good enough the way you are." And to that I say - tell me something I don't know. And while accurate, it's not exactly a helpful and constructive answer that provides a tangible basis for lasting change. "Have you tried, like, not feeling that way?" - You get what I'm saying? It's an emotional cause but just knowing that without understanding the history of where this belief came from is essentially worthless. I've tried working with it and it proved to be the equivalent of speaking positive affirmations over a trashed house. "Of course you are worthy and you are enough!" is not gonna make the house magically clean. It's still trashed no matter how much you try to acknowledge the core essence, the bare bones, the overall value of the house - Yes, all of those things are still there and maybe underneath all the trash it's the most stunning mansion and the loveliest place to live, but by trying to validate all that, you are essentially praising the potential of something, which your emotions and the sheer ineffectiveness of shallow self-love will tell you, is very different from the reality of the current state that you're living in. That's why trying to accept your own worth in every which way is not getting you very far is it. Doesn't matter that thousands of people think you're great, doesn't matter that you have an abundance of good traits and talents, doesn't matter how many people's lives you've changed for the better - inside your own head you're still living in filth and garbage and that's what's making you miserable. Your positive traits and talents aren't what's holding you back - it's the fact that you can't navigate your own house without tripping over junk and stepping in dirt and breathing dust and stale air. That's what makes it hard to create and progress and live life. That's what makes you tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. That's what you need to work on.

The history

The thing with history is that many vital aspects remain untold, painting a rather unclear picture of where exactly we went wrong. With a plethora of events and consequences having either been overlooked, misconstrued, denied or suppressed, we can very well find ourselves at a loss for how we ended up here, subsequently blurring any potential solutions and obstructing the way out. But we can draw conclusions from our behaviors and try to link them to established facts and that way, gradually recover memories. The answers, it is important to note, are always within - never without - and that, my dear, is the first obstacle we all have to overcome. To recognize the validity of your own inner truth is a practice in and of itself, as anyone who has been raised by a narcissist will be able to tell you. You can only be told you're wrong about yourself so many times before you stop looking for answers within yourself and start seeking them from other people. After all, people (and especially narcissists) will so confidently tell your their version of reality like it is the one and only truth and gospel and belittle, invalidate, dismiss and outright attack anything and anyone that disagrees with them. If you find yourself ignoring, dismissing and not trusting your own inner voice to the point where you may not even be able to hear (feel) it, I'm sad to say you have been a victim of this very dynamic. But understand that anything concerning your own psyche can only be resolved from within and no amount of chastising and criticism and advice can change what is inside you. 

Now, I am used to dealing with denied, suppressed and misconstrued information, as that has been my practice for the past years. And while that has been nothing short of liberating and I will never regret the freedom that all the knowledge I gained has brought me, I reached a limit that I didn't seem to be able to move past. So I had to turn the inner eye to the things I had overlooked. 

Despite the stereotypes that are widely spread regarding Aries traits, I never did see myself as a competitive person. In fact, I used to shun competitiveness, due to the defeat I felt as I never did seem to be able to win or succeed or excel. My desire to be loved for who I was (and not for my accomplishments) aswell as my trauma of blatant rejection by everyone around me had largely dampened my desire to try. Why try out if no one wants what I have to offer? Why shine when the people that matter aren't even looking? Why put myself on display when I'm so repulsive that all people want to do is poke fun at me and put me down? If that's all I'm going to get for the audacity of existing, well, then I'd rather hide and keep to myself and not take part in anything at all. I have reason to believe that this experience among others is what has caused me to become obsessed with becoming better. About as obsessed as my mother seemed to be with convincing me I'm lazy and selfish, in fact. And as you know, you can only be told these things so many times before you start believing them yourself... and lose awareness of your true motivations until they disappear into the mysterious void in the back of your mind. That's why I never did see how my innate competitiveness was playing out in ways that ended up harming me. 

A virtuous existence is something I always strived for. Of course I've had my fair share of trials - and fair share of errors. The virtue of helpfulness and generosity met an early enemy in the manipulative and exploitative nature of people. The virtue of justice drowned by the overwhelming indifference of many and hunger for power of some. But even with these challenges and problems I have no answers for, I've been obsessed with goodness and virtue ever since I can remember. The first time my mother told me that the healthiest part of the apple is the peel, I would only eat the peel because, well, healthy was good! And this whole spiel turned into a pattern that would ultimately lead to my downfall. 

For the next two decades, everytime I learned that something was good, I would run with the idea and make that my new standard of living. Eating vegetables is good? Eat almost only vegetables! Exercise is good? Exercise all day every day! Drinking water is good? Drink all the water! Need x amount of calories? Now we're counting calories, too. Being skinny is cool? Now we shall not consume calories! Reading is good? Books are now our life. Bubzbeauty is so pretty and she's so good at makeup! I have to look just as good. Transcending the ego makes you enlightened - my own ego is now the enemy and it shall perish! You create your own reality with your thoughts - I must never think a negative thought again! Being productive is good - I must be functional and work every waking second! Are you exhausted yet?! 

One person cannot do it all. And because all my life I've been held to such high standards, I learned that it was normal to expect these things of myself. Whether I was compensating for all the areas of my life where I felt helpless and that I couldn't overcome or desperately seeking the appreciation and validation I never received, I had worked myself to exhaustion trying to live the ideal life - and for what?

Somehow I felt that if I lived up to these standards, I would be valid. I would be respected and accepted and all these great things I never did get to experience and I could be proud of myself for the first time since kindergarten when the only standard was showing up and not setting the place on fire. And on the flipside of that strife for goodness and virtue, if I didn't live up to one of these standards I set for myself - I would fail. Every day I didn't eat 5 portions of vegetables I failed. Every day I didn't exercise I failed. Every day I consumed too many calories I failed. Every day I didn't look my best I failed. Every day I felt negative emotion I failed. Every day I didn't accomplish everything I set out and more, I failed. All these little aspirations, and there were many, many more than I have time to discuss, just stacked up on top of one another - and for the longest time I was wondering where all this pressure was coming from! I set all these standards for myself and made my worth dependent on living up to every single one - I set myself up to fail. I never realized what a dangerous game I was playing. I never realized it because this was my normal. I never learned to acknowledge my limitations because other people didn't want me to have them. I never learned to accommodate my needs because other people didn't want to have to accommodate them. But I still expect myself to accomplish this unsurpassable mountain of never-ending tasks all by myself with no help whatsoever and that is my standard for being barely acceptable. 

If you are wondering where this road leads, I can tell you that. Anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, hopelessness and diminished self-worth. This is your destination if your entire life revolves around how much of a failure you are. It creates crippling anxiety, crushing pressure and paralyzing overwhelm. It makes it so that you can't seem to manage so much as your basic needs and cry out in exasperation - "Why am I like this?!" 

Shame

If you struggle with high standards and perfectionism, you are avoiding feeling shame. Shame for all the expectations you didn't meet, shame for all the ways you didn't succeed, shame for not being the child your parents wanted, shame for being less than your peers, shame for having different values and the alienation and rejection that comes with it, shame for others outside of you being ashamed of something you are or do. Shame is one of the most fundamentally painful emotions a human can feel. I know, I was raised on shame. "Aren't you ashamed?!" is the control tactic my mother liked to use whenever I deviated from the image she wanted to paint of me. And being raised to be ashamed of everything that's true and genuine about you, let me tell you, wreaks havoc on the psyche. Maybe my case was particularly unfortunate due to the fact that I was so fundamentally different from everyone around me that I could never relate to anyone. How do you cope with being so wrong? With not being able to do things that seem to come easily to everyone else? You don't want it to be true! You want so badly to function like everyone says you should! You want to believe that if you just try hard enough, you can be good enough! And wow do you ever try. You try so hard at so many things and you become better than you've ever been... Only to find that all of your hard work and all of your accomplishments don't yield the desired result. Where's that pride and validation you were supposed to feel? It's like all your effort and hard work and ambition doesn't even matter. Someone out there does what you do 10x better than you ever could and they're younger and prettier and you feel like you're embarrassing yourself by trying. You're still not the best so you're still not good enough. Even though you pour everything you have into everything you do, you're still failing. Failure. Aren't you ashamed? You're a mess and everyone else has their shit together and look at you. What have you accomplished today? You think you work so hard - what do you have to show for yourself? Nothing? You are so god damn worthless and don't deserve anything that you have and don't you dare have any fun or relax until everything is perfect! 

If you struggle with high standards and perfectionism, you are avoiding what's already inside you. You're already feeling shame at your core and you are trying to push it away by compensating with limitless scrutiny and undying ambition to make yourself into something better than what you feel you are. What you were told you are. It creates tension inside you. You feel out of control. You don't want to admit to yourself how you really feel, but you have to. 

The way forward

It is important to note that admitting to these feelings is not admitting to failure. It's admitting to facts, to truth. It's admitting that this happened to you no matter how much you want it to not have happened to you. That things happened that hurt you very badly and that you never got over them. Allow me to out myself right now and say that I've failed every single expectation my parents set for me. Not only that, but I've failed almost every single expectation society set for me, too! You would not believe the blatant shaming I had to endure from random people who knew nothing about me (including a college psychology teacher who you'd think would know better!) for being unable to adhere to the widely accepted demands of adulthood. Before I got my diagnoses it was like a unanimous choir of "You don't look mentally ill. You're lazy and don't want to work." - and even after I was diagnosed and in treatment for my various issues people were so quick to accuse me of lying because people will only believe what they want and facts don't matter. 

Even if no one believes it, you have to recognize the truth and work with it if you are to ever create a life that doesn't make you wish you were dead. 

I've spent three years coming to terms with my limitations and it wasn't until I faced this deep rooted shame that I was able to break out of this self-perpetuating spiral of hypercriticism and self-neglect. Avoiding what I knew I always felt inside ended up being what was keeping me from making real progress and moving in the direction of healing. I am now transitioning from unhealthy coping mechanisms to genuine healing through accepting and working with every challenge I face, integrating and finding solutions for the things I struggle with every day that build me up instead of tear me down.

I realized that if I insisted on fighting a part of myself, we would all lose. 

My therapy plan is to deconstruct all these impossible standards I set for myself and thus free myself of the burden of having to be something I will never be. I am quite literally sorting myself out! You see, the thing I never really did was question my ideals, inspect them through the lens of realism and decide whether they are truly right for me. And if you had asked me just last week, my brain would have shut down at the mere idea of deciding what is right for me. I have to choose what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of?! But... But I am decidedly incapable of making the right choice! Something else my mother convinced me of. Narcissists get so freaked out when their child doesn't follow the path they set out for them every step of the way. And they get controlling and convince the child they can't trust themselves and the only person they can trust is the narcissist and that the emotional abuse is genuine love and concern and they should be grateful because no one else would do as much for their child as the narcissist has done for you. Likewise, I freaked out whenever I found myself in a position when I had to make a choice - any choice! "What do you want to do tonight?" I don't know! What do I want? What should I want? What answer would be least likely to cause conflict or disappointment? Someone tell me the right answer because my right answer doesn't count. My right answer is wrong, it always is! It never is wanted or convenient or considered or accommodated. What's the answer that would please everyone? - That, my friends, is the level of panic I used to feel (and am working to soothe) every single minute of my day. 

That... Is why I always felt (and am working on moving past) like I was failing.  

That... Is why I could never rest. 

It's why I never had an ounce of self-confidence - cause I've been told all my life that everything I'm good at and enjoy is worthless and everything that matters I failed at. 

Because if our lives revolve around the things we can't do, we all will grow depressed and tired. We all will lose motivation and stop taking care of ourselves. It's not a character flaw - it's psychology. 

The way forward is always kindness, never punishment. 

Thank you.