⛥December Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

Greetings, fuckers. How have your holidays been? I hope they were good. Right now it's 11AM and I'm sitting down with a fresh cup of tea from a freshly cleaned kettle of freshly filtered water from a freshly cleaned filter... Fresh. You get the gist. I've been staying up and doing things around the house, though I just remembered while typing this that I meant to sit down and edit... Oops. Guess I'm doing this instead now. It doesn't even really matter which one gets done first as I'm still well within my deadline for the last video of the year and it's more than half done. I'll be fine just so long as I don't sleep... I lost that train of thought. It would be easier to focus if the neighbor's kid would kindly sit the fuck down for a second but whatever. We'll make it through the questions... eventually. The good thing about sleep deprivation is that it annihilates every fuck I ever had to give, allowing me to be as raw and uncensored as I can be when I'm not trying to pretend to be human. This is helpful for answering questions, but also for giving that little shitcunt up there a piece of my mind. Which will happen first? Place your bets.

If you could only have one meal and one drink for the rest of your life, what would it be? So cliche yet so difficult. For drink I know it's going to be water. Yes, flavored drinks are great. But when I'm thirsty, nothing else will do. There are so many foods that are so delicious that I wish I could eat them all the time, but from a nutritionally realistic perspective, I'm going to go with rice ball sandwiches (onigirazu). I'll explain why: Onigirazu is a savory food which means I'm less likely to get tired of it than, say, granola bars. It's a balanced and filling meal and at the same time it's so versatile that it would be easy to meet all my nutritional needs and ensure that I'm never starved for a specific vitamin or mineral. You can put anything in it. Beef? Yes. Beans? Yes. Lettuce? Yes. Raw veggies? Yes. Cooked veggies? Yes. Egg? Yes. Cheese? Yes. Heck, I could probably somehow manage to make a dessert version of it. So why don't I just say a sandwich? I don't like bread that much. Also, it hurts the roof of my mouth if I have it too often. Apparently I don't actually chew my food, just kinda smoosh it against the roof of my mouth until it's soft enough to swallow. I'm that non-confrontational, I don't even want to bite my food. Something along those lines. I wonder what Jung would say about this habit of mine? But rice sandwiches are probably the perfect food. And healthy, too!

What's the weirdest request you ever got, either for an ASMR video or otherwise? It's weird that this keeps coming up but someone keeps asking for stomach growling ASMR. I know there are niche triggers like that but I really don't see the appeal. 

Did you ever hear again from the guy asking you to marry him because he has "many sheep"?  No, like all legendary things, this was a one hit wonder.

What are you plans for the holidays? I didn't make plans this year. Just wanted to charge head first into work and see where we end up. Though, after the solstice, I decided I want to have a pizza party with a horror movie and make it a second Halloween. But then the sleep deprivation caught up with me and I slept 15 hours and was still tired all evening. And the next three days. And I'm still tired. I really need to get back into exercising. Every time I skip my workouts for a while, I get into this rut where I'm just always tired. Putting more energy into work has thrown me off balance again and I'm working out what I need to change to restore that balance while maintaining the work load. It's a process, it's fine.

Do you believe in New Years Resolutions? Do you have any? Hmmm... Yes... and no. I think the custom is great - setting an intention for another cycle around the sun and starting fresh. But too many people do it wrong, so they end up not sticking to their resolutions. I, myself, have a long history of failed resolutions and I finally figured out why and overcome the mistakes I made. By now, I do like to make resolutions - but I don't wait till January 1st. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing now. And if it's not, it's simply not that important to me. If it was, I'd be doing it. One of the most insightful books I've read stated that, people always achieve their top priority. If they don't, then there's always something that is more important (that they're usually unaware of). I could go on and on about this (I did put this up as a bonus video option) but I think that might be for another post. 

At this point I have to take a break because the exhaustion is catching up with me and causing me to overshare to no end, so the next answer has been half re-written and cropped out because I'm sure you'll get what I'm saying without having to deal with the complexity of my emotions and situation.

What do you think of people who like your work, your fans and the people that support you, what do you like about us what do you not? I hope you know how much some people appreciate you and the videos you make. Can't say, haven't met any but two of you. To be honest, I am still wrapping my mind around the idea that people could like what I do. Or... not. Most of the time I avoid thinking about it and just roll with it. But now that I think about it... You guys are over 200 of my biggest supporters and here I am not even assuming that you enjoy what I put out. Just like how my mother raised me, I guess. Most of the time I am consumed with the paralyzing fear of displeasing (any of) you. Some of it is just scars from how upset people were a few years ago when I decided to re-brand my channel into what it is now. The comments about how I used to be so "interesting" and "cute" (implying that's no longer the case) triggered the same painful, all-consuming feelings my mother inflicted upon me when I ... well, grew up. I've had a lot of time to reflect on this and I will admit that I'm really into picking my own brain and, for that matter, putting it back together. I know now, at least on an intellectual level, that I'm only projecting my issues onto all of you. And yet, so far, I haven't been able to get over it. It'll take time. Time to realize on a visceral level that everyone is not my mother and does not think the same of me. Because she kind of made it sound like everyone on Earth agrees with her and I'm the weird one and no one wants what I have to give, therefore she demanded I change to please her and when I didn't, she instantly jumped to withholding not only affection, but support. Therefore I kinda project that if I don't have your full approval for every single thing I do, you will do the same. This has been the hardest thing to deal with in my career so far. Because my mother was so impossibly scrutinizing and domineering, that's what I expect to get from the world. This all seems like a setup sometimes because for years I've battled my mother, the one out there and the one in my head, to be independent of her - only to pick a career where how successful I am depends on how much people like me. I feel very out of control when it comes to the latter. In fact, as far as I can remember, I never managed to win anyone's favor. The best I can do is be who I be and hope the world responds well. You all are showing me, clearly, that I have worth and what I have to give is indeed wanted - but I cannot take it for granted because of where I'm coming from. My path is pulling me towards finding worth in myself and in the future, I'm sure, this will be a non-issue. So I'm ... Glad, I think is the right word, that you like me and enjoy what I put out, but I have a hard time really letting it in. I feel kinda bad for it, but that's just for another emotional trap my mother set for me. I guess what I like the most about you guys is that you seem to be different in the same way I'm different. It surprises me every time you tell me you can relate to what I'm sharing. I've lacked this sense of kinship growing up - I had no one who understood me or cared to understand. This opens me up to sometimes acknowledging I might not be all alone in this world. I also really like it when you respect my boundaries and respect me as an artist. This ties back into the fear of displeasing and someday, thanks to your positive reinforcement, I will no longer feel guilty for doing what I want. I laugh about it every time because I feel like the odd one out as a YouTuber. Every other creator, it seems, wants to engage their audience, like "I want to hear from YOU guys! What kind of videos do YOU want to see from ME?" and meanwhile I'm over here like "You take what I give you or you can fuck right off!!!" - this is how I emotionally distance myself from demands and complaints so I can focus on what I'm passionate about (and retain a sense of identity). I think what I'm saying is I really appreciate that you let me do my thing. This is, in fact, the most loving and kind thing anyone can do for me. And you guys tell me you know how hard I work and how busy I am and every single time I feel deep relief... Because I'm constantly paranoid that I'm not enough despite giving my best at all times and I feel like people don't really realize the work load of a video creator. I think to many people it seems like such a cute hobby, like "Oh, you make videos on the internet, that's cute - wish I could get paid for talking to a camera for 20 minutes" ... When in reality it's more like a movie production, but you are the entire crew. What seems like a "fun pastime" is me doing the work of like 8 people full time. It really, truly, takes a load off my mind when you tell me that you get it and you're not mad that I don't post twice a week or whatever schedule kids are on these days. What else... I really like it when you post funny, witty comments. It makes my day. This particular thing gives me an odd sense of ... bonding in the most avoidant and non-committal way ever. Like we're on a solid old friend basis when I have never exchanged a word with most of you. I'm not sure it makes sense for me to feel this way, but I do. But then again, I suspect you feel the same way, because you asked me to tell you how I feel about you (all) in the most avoidant, non-committal way ever.
As for the negatives, there's only really one worth mentioning: Love-bombing. It makes me really uneasy and anxious when some of you seem too eager to talk to me and send too many messages. Very recently I've been through hell with someone like that and it seems to be still haunting me. I'm distant for a reason. It's not that I don't appreciate your positive feelings towards me, it's that I'm wary of the implications. The last time I let someone like that close to me, I ended up cyber-stalked to the end of the Earth. And now every time you push too hard to get close to me, my spidey-sense goes off and tells me I might be dealing with a BPD sufferer and to stay the fuck away. Because it's bound to end badly for me. Part of them may love me so damn much - but another part, whether they're in control of it or not, will end up detesting me equally for somehow hurting or betraying them by virtue of some arbitrary thing I said or didn't say, did or didn't do, and come after me for it. That's why my first instinct is always to ignore any and all love-bombing and just not respond to people who exhibit these signs. On one hand I feel bad because I can't know for sure if I'm being unfair to someone because I never give them a chance - but on the other hand I'm protecting myself from harassment, so what am I supposed to do? Bear in mind, this doesn't affect most of you - but on the occasional instance with some very few of you, it affects me a great deal.
I think this was most of what I think about my ... Fans, if you'd call yourself that? I despise the word for what it implies, but I can't seem to think of a better one. I mean, a "fan", from what I gather, describes someone who blindly and mindlessly adores and supports a person in the public eye. I like to think this does not apply to the overwhelming majority of my supporters. Or I'd hope you have good and sound reason for liking my videos and that they help you the way I intend. I just want you to know I appreciate your appreciation of me and my work. 

What upcoming videos do you have planned? So many. Right now I'm finishing up a classic sound-only hypnotherapist role play to give you a good start into the new Roman calendar year. Just about every idea I've ever mentioned, I still hold in my head. For how long it takes to create a good video, I doubt I'll ever run out. I consider myself rich that way. Some people are rich in the bank, others are rich in family and relationships... I am rich in ideas. There's at least three different Spa videos I'm thinking about making, at least two more Cyberpunk videos, at least three more Shiki videos, and dozens and dozens of other ideas from major productions to low-key chill ASMR. The way I plan these out in my head is, I don't. I pursue whichever one I feel most drawn to at any moment and part of the attraction implies that it's something I know how to realize with the tools and skills I have to create what I have in mind. For the more complex stories, I have to try a bit harder to learn all kinds of new stuff just to begin to get the ball rolling on them. I know I'll figure out eventually how to balance acquiring skills and putting out regular videos. I'll get there. 

Do you ever plan on continuing your Shiki series? Yes, and in fact, I've been trying for years. I just care so much about making it good and kept missing deadlines for some things like outdoor shoots that have to be done in the same season under similar weather so now I have to figure something else out. The Xmas video I put out was to be just a little taste of what's to come and to let you know I haven't given up on the story. I love it, I want to continue it. But like any respectable artist, I want it to be exceptional. 

How long have you been singing? Since I can remember. To the dismay of everyone around me, I've always loved engaging my vocal instrument. It's one of the few things that make me feel real. I consider myself fortunate that my partner enjoys my voice. My life would be very sad if I couldn't sing whenever I wanted. 

How close are you to your "make a living" goal? As of now, it tells me, 84% - though that number changes constantly. Patrons leave, edit their pledge, new patrons join, old ones come back, people's payments sometimes don't get processed because of some error and then Patreon randomly changes the percentage it nicks off my total income - only by one or two percent but it adds up. I am deliberately avoiding paying attention to that number because all it does is create anxiety around the monthly turnover when the internal system recalculates the number based on pledges that went through and, consequently, makes it jump around like a ballerina on crack. All I care about is making enough that my partner who works so hard for the both of us doesn't feel pressured to push himself even more just to be over the minimum income required for immigration stuff. I like the idea of shouldering half of this burden. This is the kind of equal relationship I dream of. But I suck at math so I let the math genius deal with the math and just focus on the creative process and hope for the best. 

With that I want to thank you all so very much for your support this entire year - everything I was able to do, you made it happen. Next year I'm excited to be working with the 3Dio Free Space Pro II we purchased back in September that I didn't get to try out yet because Detroit cops wouldn't let me in the freaking country. We are getting married in January when he visits and from there on out, one can only hope it won't take another 3 years to realize our dream of having a life together. You helped us more than you probably realize because you helped us pay for a law firm and I can feel a little more hopeful after years of waiting in vain now that professionals are overseeing the process. I hope all the good you have done for me and mine will return to you infinitely. Here's to hoping 2020 will bring the fruit of all our labor. Cheers

(I'm not actually drinking I just like to say that at the end of a talk ok bye)