easter rambles (Patreon)

One of my favorite photos from spring. 

Truth be told, I had to scroll an absurd amount, thinking "When even was my last BTS post?" ... It was a few months ago, it turns out. I've been busy doing my thing and creating stuff - nonetheless, I finally managed to title this post with the correct number. 

This morning, I wish I could share with you what I'm experiencing. Picture this... It's dead silent in the house and any distant traffic noises are muffled by a blanket of birdsong. Whatever sunlight may have peaked through as you hesitantly opened your eyes to take in the dark room is now hiding behind clouds so thick you could probably cut them with a knife. You feel the breeze through the wide open windows, the refreshing cool air caressing your face while the rest of you is wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. Nature smells like love and ecstasy - April is barely coming to an end but the unique cocktail of scents seduces your senses as though May is already here. Everything is a vibrant green and it smells like it might rain... 

Everytime I find myself in a setting like this, I want to make an ASMR video of it. I have a burning desire to share what I'm feeling and seeing, albeit through the lens of my own forest-dwelling, high-on-nature, highly sensitive perspective. My mind can't help but pick apart the elements that make up this medley of ecstatic sensations and look for ways to recreate it as close as possible with the tools I have at my fingertips. This is how I get inspired to create, this is where my imagination revels... This is the birth place of new video ideas. It may be difficult or even impossible to capture exactly what I'm sensing as camera and audio equipment are painfully non-discriminative, or maybe we can call it ultra-spiritual, taking in the good and the bad without judgement. How human of me to want to isolate the good only! Even if it is to give others the same peace of heart I'm feeling and share an exquisitely rejuvenating experience with troubled minds in need of rest - that responsibility is on me for the camera does not judge. 

It's a perfect morning (afternoon) to enjoy coffee with my new favorite sugar-free coffee flavoring...

... One of the best purchases I made this spring for sure. I highly recommend the Better Stevia flavor drops - so far I've only sampled English Toffee and French Vanilla as they were two of the few flavors available on eBay, imported from the UK because importing anything from the US costs thrice as much as the product price in custom duties, so thank you, UK, for not leaving the EU quite yet. Yes, I had to google "Is the UK still in the EU" - and it automatically filled it in after "Is the UK s...", suggesting the popularity of this search. This is confusing for everyone. What the shit are you even up to, UK? Let me just stockpile all your Better Stevia before you change your mind... 

What can I say - sometimes I enjoy the strong, bitter taste of coffee... and sometimes I just want everything to taste like caramel. Both these flavors are very good and rich and are a wonderful alternative to sugar syrups. If you end up checking these out, be careful with the dosage - one drop will give you a hint of flavor, two drops are just enough to savor the flavor for me and three drops will make it very sweet if you have a sweet tooth. More than three at your own risk. Willy Wonka would probably take four. 

Anywho, before this turns into a rambly post, I just wanted to update you on the near future and what I'm working on. 

Today, with the weather so fine, will likely be spent writing eloquent posts such as this, doing some stuff here on Patreon like answering the Q&A post for the Super tier and preparing the Ultra tier livechat. I'll set out to at least answer some of your messages, apologies if I don't quite make it back to everyone today as there's quite a lot of them. Slight embarrassment thinking about how long it's been since I checked them. I'm also trying to brainstorm and structure two videos I have planned - one of which is the self-care video for the Mega tier which is a little more work than I anticipated as I am discovering more layers to this self-care thing than I originally thought. But I want to give you all a complete-as-possible overview to make you aware of things you may not have considered before that you can use in your own life. The other video will be an ASMR video which also contains useful, practical advice - it's been requested quite some time ago and I never ended up doing it but recently the drive to put together budgeting tips in a cozy, tingly ASMR roleplay has taken control over me and I'm following the white rabbit through the desire to properly feed people. I already filmed one attempt but in practicality, I realized I was all over the place with what I was saying and no one would be able to follow while also falling the fuck asleep. That's why I want it to have a clear structure so your brain can wrap around it in a relaxed Delta wave state. I will probably also link a public post to the video so you can overview the whole thing once you're awake again. As someone who much prefers the action-part to the planning/structuring-part, I'm finding it a bit challenging to engage my brain and pin it down on either one video. (ADHD problems...) But as long as I get somewhere with both, I'm a happy creator. 

These are just the projects closest to the future as I'm still working on other ideas including the revival of Shiki for which I'm bringing back the gorgeous red hair you all miss so much. I'll shush for now because I can ramble on and on about video ideas, and who knows when I'll actually be able to turn them into reality! Creating stuff with this much care is a process. 

As the breeze wraps around my head and the smell of rain intensifies, bringing with it a drop in temperature somewhat ambivalent in that my skin can't decide if it's refreshing or to cool... I look down at the dead flowers by my window, a small grave of a bouquet of tulips that my aunties brought me for my birthday. Yes, I had a birthday recently (thank you to everyone who remembered!) so I took some time off to just play the Sims 3 and be left alone. At first I was surprised as to why I didn't receive any annoying texts or calls from family, then later realized they all still use my old number. And I made sure it stays that way. It was a lovely day full of fun chats with my favorite person and chocolate scoopy easter eggs. And of course, the obligatory full moon ritual. The gentle splatter of cold rain drops on the foliage makes for such sweet background music to the memories of my magic. But my birthday wasn't the one I was looking forward to this year...

Jack has a birthday coming up soon and, most importantly, I'll get to see him again this year! He's visiting from May 8th to June 5th. I couldn't be happier and more excited to get to spend a whole month with him, seeing as how long it's been! We've been put on hold for no valid reason with the visa application and a new visit would have been due soon anyway to be put on the paperwork. Hence, I've been busy cleaning the apartment with the goals of at least getting it up to sanitary standards. I just want it to be clean enough that Gordon Ramsay wouldn't yell at me. That's good enough - just no yelling. I want to give Jack the best time ever and properly celebrate his birthday month. So I'll probably employ his assistance for some ASMR videos in May! Even though showing off my hot boyfriend in videos would probably be the death of my channel. I joke about it, but the amount of people who subscribe to [Esc] reality purely to entertain a fantasy that they might ever have a chance with me is ridiculous. Bold move, I'm sure you'll never see a sub count drop down below 100k this fast. I'm cool with it. I struggle to comprehend why a creator being in a relationship with someone should be a big deal. I'm a very real person with a very real personal life and viewers who are upset seeing that piss me off so much that I actually take pleasure in posting couple photos just to make them see themselves out of my domain. Is it really so audacious of me to want to be seen and treated as a person, rather than a virtual character-of-sorts whose sole purpose in life is supposed to be to fuel the romantic pretend-games of lonely internet users? Because I promise you, with every breath I take I will demand that people take me as I am. I've had way more than my fair share of being someone's play thing, projection-collector, occasional conditional-love-beneficiary and cute living breathing accessory in childhood. So you understand, I refuse to take any more of this form of abuse. 

As I shut the windows to banish my neighbor's relentless cancer cloud of cigarette smoke from flooding into my home, I visualize shutting out people who attach themselves to me and my work for toxic reasons. 

Because I am the Queen of my domain and Jack is my King whose arrival I am impatiently awaiting. I might try to vlog some during his stay just because I enjoy capturing very special moments for us to watch back later. If you're interested, I will consider sharing them with you. Would you like to see some exclusive Jack&Ally vlogs in the near future?  

I will leave you with this question as my mind is getting tired from processing too many thoughts. I need some hydration and probably some food soon. Now that I'm all out of reduced-price chocolate easter eggs, I have no choice but to find some nutritionally valid fare to munch on. And easter may be over, but I can't leave you without some easter eggs. 

In the literal sense of the word. If you can get your hands on this brand of chocolate, you will know what life is all about. 

I work in bursts, so please bear with any spam that might follow in the next days. Spam may or may not include easter eggs. 

I hope you're all doing well!