Marilyn Manson Songs for ASMR (Patreon)

THAT FUCKING SINGING VIDEO. 

I've been trying to get this video made for just about all of last month. This is by far the most time and energy I've spent on any video ever, because as I attempted to sing all these songs over and over, I realized how much I truly suck at singing all these songs. Like any human being who is garbage at the thing they love the most, ya gurl needed some practice. Yes, I might be overcritical with my own performance, but I want to be a singer, so I have to be a lot better than this. 

Eventually, I managed to produce something I don't hate which is a near-miracle considering how much I hated attemps 1-3. I'm sure you can imagine how anxious I was the night I finished filming, because I didn't know how it turned out until I was able to look at/listen to the footage the next day (after it had loaded into my editing software, which takes forever thanks to 4k) and I would have hated to have wasted another full night that I could have used productively with everything I have going on at the moment. Everything that could possibly go wrong haunted my mind. Too many missed notes, confused autofocus, saliva clicking, still sounding terrible despite my best efforts... You name it, I have anxiety about it. 

If there's anything I learned in the painfully unproductive month of March, it's perseverance. It's the knowing that even though failures really get to me, I will get up and try again and give my all again another night. If this last session had gone into the trash again, I might have asked myself if it's worth pursuing this project or if I'll just never be good enough to make this video no matter how much I love the idea. But as an Aries, you can bet your sweet ass I will burn myself out before I will ever give up on something I want to accomplish. So let me tell you about why I wanted to make this video in the first place...

In the beginning, there was the novel idea sprung from the mind of an Aquarius Moon. The idea to make a sleep video out of something that the mainstream wouldn't necessarily describe as sleep inducing. "Marilyn Manson and ASMR? These things don't mix, do they?!" ... is what mainstream people would probably potentially say, if they're anything like what I think they are inside the little bubble of my designated scapegoat brain. But what can I say, I like surprises. I like novelty, the unexpected, mixing things that one might not think to mix, catching people off guard, making them think, making them aware, making them accept eccentricity... For that, I have been criticized and ostricized and labeled as "attention-seeking". But this is just who I am. Unusualness is what gives me life and there's nothing I can do to ever be content with conformism. If I can't do what makes me happy, I may aswell die. 

The fact of the matter is, I'm not the only person who finds Marilyn Manson's low raspy singing relaxing. I'm 99% sure there is at least one other person!! And besides just finding it fun to sing these songs, especially from the featured album Heaven Upside Down, I know that my naturally soothing (wish it wasn't but good for you, I guess) voice just mellows everything out - and I thought, if I could manage to learn to hit those low notes which are just outside of my natural vocal range, I could probably make alt rock into a soothing lullaby. Which I did. Somehow, I've just never had a happy voice. Ever since I was a child, it's always been sad, soft and mellow and I always loved sad songs. I have a really hard time hitting notes in happy songs. I remember my mother would frequently tell me to quit singing because my voice was making her sad, but I was having a blast so hey-ho. Probably the two main songs I was focusing on when I had the idea were Threats of Romance and Blood Honey because I could incorporate a very low relaxing vibrato there. In take 1... 

(Coulda-woulda thumbnail)

... I had planned to sing a total of 11 songs I assumed I could pull off. I quickly learned that that's not possible. Needless to say, I completely underestimated the time it would take me to sing said 11 songs, which would have taken the watch time well over an hour, and I realized that after an hour of singing (including failed attempts), the quality of my vocal performance started to decline rapidly simply due to overstraining my whole body as singing takes a lot of core control and air flow and leaves my whole body all tingly and exhausted. That's also the reason why I don't have the option to do re-takes of a singing video in the same night - so if it doesn't come out great, I've wasted a whole night which stressed me the fuck out. 

In attempt 2...

(I tried to recreate the pose because I liked how the first one came out, sue me for thinking it's cute lol)

...I downsized the songs to 8, but I still dealt with the same issues that made me scrap take 1. Getting exhausted, missing notes, and generally looking like I'm trying way too hard. At this point in the video creation process I'm getting frustrated, because it's looking like the thing I thought I was good at, I'm not actually good at. In fact (mostly because I was trying so damn hard), I downright suck at it. I've mentioned this before, but everything I do tends to come out exaggerated. Whether it's facial expressions, gestures, singing, any movement at all - I underestimate the impact/force I put out. I feel like I'm putting in a teensy bit of effort and then I watch myself and realize I'm actually way over the top.  This is what happened in take 2 and made it... not relaxing. Basically, I have to remind myself to be as boring as possible to appear barely normal. I wonder what that says about society... Anyway, in take 3... there is no thumbnail photo, just screenshots of a mental breakdown I had after I "couldn't get it up" ... or in this case down... I mean low enough. I mean my voice. I mean I tried to sing the low notes, but absolutely no fucking sound came out. So I cried as I do when things don't go my way.

I can finally delete the file lol make some space. Unless you want to see my meltdown, but I really don't see a reason to shove it down your throat, cause, like, I'm a crybaby. And I work really hard. And I fail anyway. And I don't like that. It makes me emotional. This is reality, sometimes. 

After all, I've spent a good 4 months just listening to the same album all day every day on repeat to try and memorize how the damn songs go, did makeup for every single take which I suck at (and detest) and takes forever, I sat down and gave my all for 3 nights with nothing to show for myself, I have so much on my plate that I'm baseline stressed out and there I am, wasting my time on videos that don't work out for anything in the world and I know full well that I'm the problem and I can't seem to improve enough to accomplish something I was really looking forward to doing and my neighbors are noisy assholes and random weather sirens and yeah, I have good and sound reason to be crying. 

But...

Good things happen when you don't give up. 

I think switching to black candles for this video was a lucky charm because finally, my appearance was alright and my voice was on point and the candle light against black is the exact same color as my hair which makes me love the accidental ombre. 

Don't get me wrong, there are still flaws fucking everywhere in this video - but the good outweighs the bad for a change and I like how it came out in general. 

My main focus was, indeed, on giving a good vocal performance and I think for the most part, minus some missed notes and the kind of bleh sounding verse of Killing Strangers (John Wick fans comment PENCIL!), I managed to create a good lullaby version of some of my favorite Manson songs. But I didn't want to just be singing like all my previous singing videos. After all, I'm all about the roleplays - So I came up with a fun one-nighter roleplay scenario. There are no intro scenes this time because the setting just didn't invite for intro scenes. I worked some tapping, sticky finger and smoke triggers into the first 8 minutes of the video where it should become apparent that I'm assuming the role of the hottest roommate you can ever dream of having. I mean, what a glow-up, right?! My mouth is slowly healing, too, even though you can still tell that my lips are dry and slightly crackly. It's getting better since it's no longer fucking freezing in the German Tundra. 

My saliva production hasn't changed, but in contrast to the close-up videos I've done before, it's less noticeable due to the distance from the microphone. The distance to the microphone and occasional leaning in for ear-to-ear panning-whispers also meant that there were pretty dramatic volume differences between the singing, speaking and whispering. I did my best to "equalize" them by hand as seamlessly as possible so there aren't any harsh jumps that could jolt you awake. What else do I want to tell you... I'm trying to share as much as possible for those of you who love to read. 

What was your favorite trigger in this video? Mine was the slow panning-whispering of "Sssssssaturnaaaaalllllliiiiiaaaaaaaa" - I've taught myself to soften out my S-sounds because the recording quality with the Zoom H6 is very crisp and can make S's sound very harsh. If only avoiding saliva clicks was that easy... 

Or hitting notes while also listening to the music, for that matter. Anyone who has listened to the album will notice that the timing of my singing doesn't go along with the speed of the music. This is intentional. I did that in take 1 which was shit, decided in take 2 I should have music in one ear because I had the hardest time finding key notes but hearing the, let's face it, not-sleep-inducing beats made me get into it a little more than what was called for and ruined the relaxation factor. We shall never again speak of take 3, but by take 4 I was confident enough in my voice to be able to perform the 6.5 songs I had decided were the only ones worth keeping, with a low 'n' slow voice and lots of room for vibrato. Ah, vibrato. My favorite part about singing Manson songs (and singing anything at all). Vibrato has always come easy to me, unlike the raspiness I'm still working on which may or may not suit me (you tell me) but I adore so am going to pursue. 

On an unrelated note, I'm liking how I'm slowly growing into myself. By that I mean I'm becoming what I want to be - which this video showcases in a few different ways. The look, the confidence as a result of my weight loss, the low raspy voice, the increasingly more goth aesthetic, expressing my personality and sense of humor in my videos (anyone else find the awkward silence in the beginning hilarious? no? just me?) as opposed to falling back into the "basic ASMR girl" tone of speaking and acting. That term is in quotes because I'm not sure how I would define a "basic ASMR girl" but from watching ASMR for several years now, I kinda just picked up the way all the artists I watch talk and act. I can't help it as it happens automatically - but I just naturally start to copy the stuff I hear/see the most. I make a conscious effort not to but because of my first experiences with ASMR, this "image" of how an ASMR video "should" look and sound has stuck with me and I find that particulary in Spa Roleplays, I just kinda execute them on autopilot. Spa ASMR comprises about half of all the ASMR I ever watch still, and I always find myself coming back to my old favorites. ...Anywho, my videos start to look more like who I am inside which makes me happy. All my life I've struggled with the cards I've been dealt - what talents nature has given me because they are kind of irrelevant to who I want to be. I want to be a singer but my voice makes people fall asleep or fucking depressed - depends. I want to be taken seriously but I'm an adorable little bean that people aren't inclined to respect for some weird subconscious reason. Inside I'm a spunky, sassy, confident, energetic, fun-loving witch - but I've been given the genetics of a "sweet little angel" and I'm sick and tired of people trying to tell me who I am based on how I appear to them. When I express myself, they say I'm trying too hard or just want attention. When I hide who I am, I can't get through a single day without wanting to punch everyone in the guts. Soooooooo, pick your favorite? Lol. I've been making spunky sassy (hilarious - come on, every Aries thinks that of themselves) witch work for me and breaking free from the chains of societal expectation and the glow-up you're seeing is a result of that. 

This is only the beginning. [Esc] reality will glow up just like I am. I didn't think it was possible to bridge the gap between how I look and who I really am because I assumed I was doomed to living with what nature gave me, but now I know that nature didn't just give me a cute face and mellow voice - it also gave me attitude. And just because my parents were embarrassed about me having a personality doesn't mean I don't get to strut through life, rocking being myself. Burnt hair, black lipstick and all. And if I can be who I want, so can you. 

That was my random motivational speech. Wow, Aquarius Moon and Sagittarius Ascendant are a dangerous philosophical combo. I'm not even sure how we got here. 

I hope you enjoy the video. 

Timestamps on the YouTube video page as always.