disability rant (Patreon)

As I write this, I just finished a cup of morning tea (rare treat these days, due to obvious reasons, coffee is my go to) and I'm waiting for a milk mixture to cool down just slightly so that it won't upset the yeast. I was rudely awoken by a text saying I can no longer use my data plan until I top up my credit, which I have done just two days ago - but it appears that my data plan doesn't care about regular phone credit, no, it requires a special way of charging I found out. With a bit of a vengeance, I figured out the steps. I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to make an easy enough seeming crumpet recipe from the 18th century. And out of frustration I have decided that these crumpets MUST be featured in a video to make up for my failure last night. 

If you follow me on both instagrams, you know it all. I spent the day preparing and setting up a video that is close to my heart, you know, the one I like to pretend I don't have. I felt my blood sugar dropping at about 11PM so I decided to have a quick lunch before filming early, which I was looking forward to. I only have about a 4 hour window at night to film a video and it's rare that I'm ready to film early enough to make one because no sleep and naps and such. Things took a turn for the worse after lunch. Instead of getting ready, I was headed towards a system shutdown. It happens sometimes. I didn't get a chance to process all the sensory input from the day so my nerves and brain just plain overloaded and I was a log for two hours. I tried my best to just be ok enough to film this video as I found out that yesterday was DID awareness day and the video was targeted at alters and fragments. By the time I got out of hair and makeup and made some food (for the roleplay), it was just a few minutes until 4AM, the point in time at which all my neighbors start getting ready for work and everyone is taking showers and it's frustratingly loud. On top of that, I looked like shit and didn't have time to fix everything about my look. So I cried. 

I don't particularly like to think of myself as disabled (because who does?!) but it's times like these when I just lose against my own body that give me the biggest reality check. I know where I'll end up when I push myself too hard - been there, done that. Everytime I try to barely do as much as a healthy person could easily manage, I hit a wall and there doesn't seem to be a way around it. And still it's hard for me to accept it because I just don't want this to be part of my identity. I know some of you deal with the same bullshit and the same stigma from people who think anyone who is capable of forming coherent sentences is a healthy individual and doesn't deserve to be on disability. In moments like these it just makes me bitter and resentful that in many ways I'm being held to the same standard as healthy people. Here I am, trying so hard at one of the very few things I can accomplish in spite of all my issues, in a world that doesn't care how hard I try. It's just a fact, the world only cares about output. Maybe there's a shadow reason for my competitiveness. Maybe I feel like I'll be left behind if I don't keep up with healthy people in my field. You guys keep telling me that my wellbeing is more important and I hear you. This just comes from an existential fear. The knowing that if not for a social security system and/or people who love me, I'd probably die. I'd likely die. The fear of being a burden to the ones I love. 

My psychiatrist says I have C-PTSD and that all the other disorders I have result from that. Because I'm not even close to understanding all that shit, sometimes what happens to me is pretty fucking unpredictable and makes me feel out of control of the only thing that should be in my control - myself. I got everything planned out and I'm happy to start my project... but oh wait, I didn't schedule in this panic attack, that system overload, those dissociative episodes, accidentally being triggered by the most random shit, my brain reminding me that we're still on edge about that flaky hoe that wants to do me harm because I fell in love with a guy and they didn't get that list of who in my system is available to date... You'd be frustrated, too, right? 

In my head I'm still trying to impress my impossible to please parents, like, look at me I'm doing all these things and being super successful and always happy happy happy! Just in hopes of someday getting approval from somebody for something... It's not happening, nope. My mother thinks I'm schizophrenic and my father is an ultra spiritual basket case. I'm done with them both. The last interaction I had with my father made me realize that there can never be a genuine human relationship and that doesn't bother me much because there hasn't been, ever. I need to feel like I actually have something valuable to share and I won't find that there. I don't even feel guilty for feeling relief. Relief that I'm finally done with my family. There's no looking back. No pressure or feeling that I owe anyone anything. It's a whole new spring, the last shards of ice on the ground slicing through old and worn cords before returning to the earth. 

//Ally