my weird neighbors (Patreon)

This post is mostly for your entertainment. People are weird. Let's have a nice cozy chat about just how weird they can be - I'm curious to hear your stories, too! 

As you probably know, I live in an apartment complex. That means, while I like to think I live by myself in my own bubble, in reality I'm sandwiched between a bunch of people - and that means, I'm intimately acquainted with their unique quirks. 

Let's just start with the worst.

The elephant ... I don't know and don't care to know the name of this twatwaffle. I just call him elephant because when he walks, the walls shake. I know when he gets out of bed by the BOOM BOOM BOOM all across my ceiling. He's not even that fat, he just can't walk like a normal person - and that's the least annoying thing about him. The fact that he smokes 24/7 and is generally an ignorant and entitled asshole, which often but not always goes together, is way higher up on the annoying scale. He refuses to bitch at me in German just because I have a Russian name, that kind of ignorant and entitled. I often fantasize about a demon coming up behind him and pushing his fat ass over the railing so I could watch him bleed out from the head in the old Polish lady's garden. And then I'd say to him "If only you had quit smoking, you could have lived" - credit roll with dark dramatic music

The crazy cat guy ... An elderly man who collects and harasses cats. It's not as terrible as it sounds, he's just really weird and he really likes cats. Sometimes he picks up strays or someone else's cats and just decides they're his cats now, gives them names, keeps them in his apartment for a little while, feeds them etc... He's not very attuned to the cats though and makes them uncomfortable, holds them too long or picks them up when they try to get away, which makes me not like him very much. He doesn't abuse them but he kinda selfishly keeps them around for company. Besides his apparent loneliness, he's equally as cringey as he is friendly. He works the night shift at McDonald's so I run into him sometimes, either because I really needed an apple pie or really needed a workout. I avoid him when I can. He doesn't really bother me personally other than having his TV on really loud at 3 in the morning when I'm trying to film a video. Oh and he often hangs out with the (much younger) guy who snuck his number in my mailbox - who is a chain smoker so fuck him. Why can't they ever have coffee at his place?!

The old Polish lady ... Ok she doesn't really do anything except be a regular two faced European bitch. She's really really old and has the same habit of trying to make pets of random cats, including giving them names, and she likes to gossip - a lot. We overheard her talking to another neighbor about who I'm fucking while I was still with my ex. It's ok, she doesn't have much longer. 

The old German lady ... A rather quiet, inconspicuous character indeed. Prides herself in being a correct, responsible citizen - and complains when others skip hallway duty. Obvious martyr complex. The one really weird thing about her is every morning at around 4AM, sometimes a little earlier, sometimes later, usually falls randomly into my filming session anyway - she has a sneezing fit like nothing you have ever heard. She will sneeze for minutes at a time and it catches me off guard and it's annoying to have to freeze for minutes at a time so I can resume a video with a seamless cut. I don't know, maybe she has allergies. She used to smoke all the time, too, now she doens't. She does this instead now. lol

Lastly, the crack monkey family ... You heard me complain a lot, and justifiably so. They just keep popping out one stupid baby after another when they clearly shouldn't have children. Their oldest kid is a piece of trash and they just don't care. The screaming has decreased a lot, thankfully, but not too long ago it would just scream at the top of it's little filthy lungs all day long and they just did nothing. Picture trying to fall asleep and waking up to that every single day and welcome to my life! And as if screaming isn't obnoxious enough, it also kicks walls when they put the little cuntcake in the crib that happens to be adjacent to the wall right above my head. Just fucking make it stop body slamming everything all the time you ignorant fucks. And maybe put your damn critters to sleep at an appropriate time for children. I'm not asking the impossible, just don't play with them at midnight ffs. In what messed up country is it normal to let little kids be up that long?! There are other kids here and you don't even notice they exist cause they're quiet and in bed by 8. Those are the ones I like. Not them stupid crack monkeys. I feel like someone needs to talk to these people about birth control. 

If anyone needs to not reproduce ever though, it's crackhoe. Not gonna go into detail now but damn she's like the worst person ever. And, appropriately, best friends with my failure of an ex ever since we broke up. We call her jellyfish cause she has no backbone - my ex, not the crackhoe. I'd gladly tell you some horror stories about that cuntcake if you so requested, but I'm not gonna force it down your throat. I might throw in a rant in a video here and there but that's about it. 

I'm just happy to be outta here in the foreseeable future. 

Your turn! Tell me about some really weird experiences you've had with people in your close proximity. 

//Ally