#How2Lesnar Notes (Patreon)
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Brock disrupts another match and suplexes everyone
there’s this one guy with long blonde hair who he absolutely DESTROYS
like they look like they hurt for real
Blacklash 2002 Brock Lesnar vs Jeff Hardy
Promo: Paul Heyman is holding Lita’s pants hostage (they’re pink, of course)
fuckin’ heel
the music is like something from a student horror movie
“what a sick human being” - Jim Ross
he looks like Stretch Armstrong but with less hair
“this is all Lita’s fault" - Paul Heyman
whose hair is AWFUL by the way
it’s in like a ponytail and he’s wearing a baseball cap and the ponytail is hanging out of the hole at the back
it’s the match now
the opponents are in trip pants, lol
Brock Lesnar comes in and he’s TERRIFYING
so pink and sweaty
very much like an undercooked ham
“if he gets some experience he’ll be incredibly dangerous for years to come”
again proper slamming attacks, which look like they properly hurt
Brock’s about to slam Jeff Hardy down and you see Jeff saying something to him
probably “please don’t kill me Brock Lesnar"
Summerslam 2002 Brock Lesnar vs The Rock for the WWE Championship
Brock’s first ever championship match
Michael Cole has a goatee
in the promo clip a little grinning Paul Heyman slides out from behind Brock Lesnar
in Brock’s promo he has a little bath
there’s loads of photographers around the ring which must be really annoying for the wrestlers
the Rock’s got Brock in a sharp shooter
I wonder if a wrestler’s ever been put in that position and just started doing pushups
Brock gets hit in the peen by the rock
now he’s cradling said peen in his hands protectively
the Rock starts ripping shit up
he slammed Paul Heyman’s head against the table!
he throws Brock Lesnar REALLY HIGH
and then he slams Paul Heyman through the Spanish announcer’s table
“BROCK BOTTOM???"
Lesnar wins!
THEN HE DID A TERRIFYING FACE
:-( :-( :-(
Wrestlemania 20 2004 Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg
this is Lesnar’s last match with WWE for nearly 10 years and he’s no longer with Heyman
Steve Austin is the special guest referee (solely so there’s someone to cheer)
this was when Steve was the general manager on Raw
Brock Lesnar is doing his own promo!!!!!
His voice does NOT match his giant body, but I guess it kind of does match his baby face
Promo: Brock gets down on his knees and BEGS for Goldberg
STEVE AUSTIN DRIVES IN ON AN ATV
typical Austin
just to say “if you wanna match with Goldberg…"
Brock Lesnar stole Steve Austin’s ATV!!!!!! :-O
“I’m so happy I get to talk about this match on a podcast” - Kefin
Jim Ross called Steve Austin a stud! like my Granny might say!! “Ooh, that studmuffin”
Goldberg comes out and he’s just spitting everywhere it’s really gross
goatee?
It looks like Steve Austin and Goldberg’s goatee’s are rubbing off on Brock Lesnar
“you sold out” - chant
it’s been many minutes since they’ve moved
they’re just standing there
they’re all chanting for Austin! and he did a little smile!!
okay they’re grappling each other now
slowly
them not giving a shit like this just makes them both look bad, I don’t see the point
they’re stopped grappling
they’re grappling again
those poor commentators
ooh! a bump!
“this match sucks” yes it does
grappling again
they’ve stopped grappling
they’re looking at each other intensely
they jumped against the ropes!
more staring now
now their faces are really smushed against each other noses all pressed up
kiss!
chant is cheering for hogan
there’s a count out and stead and goldberg get really close like they might kiss
i hope they’re all eating breath mints
goldberg wins
camera pans over the crowd, who are expressionless
lesnar then gets up and swears at the crowd
and then at steve austin
fucking rude
the crowd boo steve austin chugging his beer
then steve and goldberg share some beers and then steve turns on him
Extreme Rules April 2012 John Cena vs Brock Lesnar
The return of Lesnar after an 8 year absence
“I don’t care about anybody but Brock Lesnar” I genuinely do believe that
except I think maybe he cares about Paul Heyman
would it be safe to say that Lesnar doesn’t really have any friends in WWE?
John Cena has his chain - “that’s the closest you get to character development with John Cena"
WITHIN ONE MINUTE JOHN CENA HAS A MASSIVE INJURY TO HIS HEAD IT’S TERRIFYING
GOD
IT’S BLEEDING SO MUCH
this is horrible
I feel genuinely faint hearing kefin explain him making him bleed
I never thought I’d see John Cena bleed
especially not like this
I didn’t even think John Cena HAD blood
maybe oil for his robot joints
Brock then hits John Cena’s wound after the medics have cleaned it all up
then he LICKS HIS BLOODIED HAND
THAT IS *****SO***** UNHYGIENIC
WOW
there are no blood rules in place for a reason, not so that you can go licking it up you gross, gross monster
Lesnar wraps Cena’s chain and ties it to Cena’s legs?
and then clotheslines him
Lesnar throws the ref into the ring with like one hand
Lesnar f5s Cena and gets him in a pin but the ref is knocked out so there’s no one to count it
another ref runs in but Cena kicks out at 3
Lesnar attacks the new ref and brings up the steel steps
at one point Lesnar runs to the ropes to attack Cena, who jumps out of the way and Brock falls over the TOP rope!!
that’s a big fall for Lesnar
Cena gets Lesnar into a pin and wins!
Royal Rumble 2015 Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar vs John Cena for the WWE Championship
Seth immediately runs out of the ring <3
Controversial opinion maybe: I like the fact he’s not in many matches? Like I don’t think his ~thing~ would work if he was on weekly, it’s part of what makes his appearance feel like such a huge deal