#How2Lesnar Notes (Patreon)

Brock disrupts another match and suplexes everyone 

there’s this one guy with long blonde hair who he absolutely DESTROYS 

like they look like they hurt for real 

Blacklash 2002 Brock Lesnar vs Jeff Hardy

Promo: Paul Heyman is holding Lita’s pants hostage (they’re pink, of course) 

fuckin’ heel 

the music is like something from a student horror movie 

“what a sick human being” - Jim Ross 

he looks like Stretch Armstrong but with less hair 

“this is all Lita’s fault" - Paul Heyman 

whose hair is AWFUL by the way 

it’s in like a ponytail and he’s wearing a baseball cap and the ponytail is hanging out of the hole at the back 

it’s the match now 

the opponents are in trip pants, lol 

Brock Lesnar comes in and he’s TERRIFYING 

so pink and sweaty 

very much like an undercooked ham 

“if he gets some experience he’ll be incredibly dangerous for years to come”  

again proper slamming attacks, which look like they properly hurt 

Brock’s about to slam Jeff Hardy down and you see Jeff saying something to him 

probably “please don’t kill me Brock Lesnar" 

Summerslam 2002 Brock Lesnar vs The Rock for the WWE Championship

Brock’s first ever championship match 

Michael Cole has a goatee 

in the promo clip a little grinning Paul Heyman slides out from behind Brock Lesnar 

in Brock’s promo he has a little bath 

there’s loads of photographers around the ring which must be really annoying for the wrestlers 

the Rock’s got Brock in a sharp shooter 

I wonder if a wrestler’s ever been put in that position and just started doing pushups 

Brock gets hit in the peen by the rock 

now he’s cradling said peen in his hands protectively 

the Rock starts ripping shit up 

he slammed Paul Heyman’s head against the table! 

he throws Brock Lesnar REALLY HIGH 

and then he slams Paul Heyman through the Spanish announcer’s table 

“BROCK BOTTOM???" 

Lesnar wins! 

THEN HE DID A TERRIFYING FACE 

:-( :-( :-( 

Wrestlemania 20 2004 Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

this is Lesnar’s last match with WWE for nearly 10 years and he’s no longer with Heyman 

Steve Austin is the special guest referee (solely so there’s someone to cheer) 

this was when Steve was the general manager on Raw 

Brock Lesnar is doing his own promo!!!!! 

His voice does NOT match his giant body, but I guess it kind of does match his baby face 

Promo: Brock gets down on his knees and BEGS for Goldberg 

STEVE AUSTIN DRIVES IN ON AN ATV 

typical Austin 

just to say “if you wanna match with Goldberg…" 

Brock Lesnar stole Steve Austin’s ATV!!!!!! :-O 

“I’m so happy I get to talk about this match on a podcast” - Kefin 

Jim Ross called Steve Austin a stud! like my Granny might say!! “Ooh, that studmuffin” 

Goldberg comes out and he’s just spitting everywhere it’s really gross 

goatee? 

It looks like Steve Austin and Goldberg’s goatee’s are rubbing off on Brock Lesnar 

“you sold out” - chant 

it’s been many minutes since they’ve moved 

they’re just standing there 

they’re all chanting for Austin! and he did a little smile!! 

okay they’re grappling each other now 

slowly 

them not giving a shit like this just makes them both look bad, I don’t see the point 

they’re stopped grappling 

they’re grappling again 

those poor commentators 

ooh! a bump! 

“this match sucks” yes it does 

grappling again 

they’ve stopped grappling 

they’re looking at each other intensely 

they jumped against the ropes! 

more staring now 

now their faces are really smushed against each other noses all pressed up 

kiss! 

chant is cheering for hogan 

there’s a count out and stead and goldberg get really close like they might kiss 

i hope they’re all eating breath mints 

goldberg wins 

camera pans over the crowd, who are expressionless 

lesnar then gets up and swears at the crowd 

and then at steve austin 

fucking rude 

the crowd boo steve austin chugging his beer 

then steve and goldberg share some beers and then steve turns on him 

Extreme Rules April 2012 John Cena vs Brock Lesnar

The return of Lesnar after an 8 year absence 

“I don’t care about anybody but Brock Lesnar” I genuinely do believe that 

except I think maybe he cares about Paul Heyman 

would it be safe to say that Lesnar doesn’t really have any friends in WWE? 

John Cena has his chain - “that’s the closest you get to character development with John Cena" 

WITHIN ONE MINUTE JOHN CENA HAS A MASSIVE INJURY TO HIS HEAD IT’S TERRIFYING 

GOD 

IT’S BLEEDING SO MUCH 

this is horrible 

I feel genuinely faint hearing kefin explain him making him bleed 

I never thought I’d see John Cena bleed 

especially not like this 

I didn’t even think John Cena HAD blood 

maybe oil for his robot joints 

Brock then hits John Cena’s wound after the medics have cleaned it all up 

then he LICKS HIS BLOODIED HAND 

THAT IS *****SO***** UNHYGIENIC 

WOW 

there are no blood rules in place for a reason, not so that you can go licking it up you gross, gross monster 

Lesnar wraps Cena’s chain and ties it to Cena’s legs? 

and then clotheslines him 

Lesnar throws the ref into the ring with like one hand 

Lesnar f5s Cena and gets him in a pin but the ref is knocked out so there’s no one to count it 

another ref runs in but Cena kicks out at 3 

Lesnar attacks the new ref and brings up the steel steps 

at one point Lesnar runs to the ropes to attack Cena, who jumps out of the way and Brock falls over the TOP rope!! 

that’s a big fall for Lesnar 

Cena gets Lesnar into a pin and wins! 

Royal Rumble 2015 Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar vs John Cena for the WWE Championship

Seth immediately runs out of the ring <3 

Controversial opinion maybe: I like the fact he’s not in many matches? Like I don’t think his ~thing~ would work if he was on weekly, it’s part of what makes his appearance feel like such a huge deal