RegressCo - Fudging the Numbers (Patreon)

When an IT engineer at RegressCo gets hold of his upcoming evaluation, he tries to find a way to adjust the standards by which he is assessed… with unintended consequences

RegressCo - Fudging the Numbers

Jack sighed as he sat down in his cubicle. Frustration was visible on his forehead this morning, wrinkling all the way down to the end of the hyenas muzzle. He’d been dealing with ridiculous queries all day, tickets from everywhere from Research and Development to Payroll. How they managed to break so many pieces of equipment and crash simple pieces of software was beyond him. RegressCo needed to get a better handle on enforcing some best practices, the entire IT department was at full capacity and the tantrums people threw about them were audible from three floors up.

This time, it was easy to see the cause. Some new intern in HR hadn’t been given a sippy cup and his laptop keys were now stuck firmly in place from the apple juice that had worked their way between them. Thankfully, it was an easy fix, a little careful application of heat and cotton buds and soon everything was clicking away like new.

“Now, let’s give you a test run” the hyena whispered to himself, pressing the on button.

Rather than the normal start-up screen, the laptop flickered for a second before showing a clear and organised desktop, spreadsheets and documents neatly placed in specific sections.

“What? Did this kid not log out or..”

It was then the hyena spotted something that made him stop before hitting the start menu. A document mixed in among others.

“Jack Crowley - Yearly Assessment - DRAFT COPY”

Great. He’d known that was coming up at some point. Still a few weeks away, but definitely in his near future. He’d been at RegressCo for just under a year, his three month probation had come and gone and he’d been officially inducted into a little clique of workers who were still with it enough to make it to the toilet six months in. This place was a minefield, he’d learned that just by reading the various manuals covered in crayons and big red warnings saying “DON’T DRINK THE MILK”. Once you’d stepped in the wrong place at the wrong time, that was it, your name went on the potty chart and your assessments went from formal and boring to a desperate attempt not to be distracted by the colours on your bosses tie.

He hovered over the icon, leaning back in his chair. If he read this, he’d probably be breaking a rule somewhere. Fireable? Maybe, he certainly wouldn’t look good on the next version if he was found out…

But no one would know right?

He opened up the document, skimming through its various sections. His face scowled, dropped, then contorted. None of the notes had been put into “corporate” speak yet, most were still in their raw forms.

“Compared to other staff members, standards of work completion have recently dropped... Sees some work as unnecessary... misses deadlines... incapable of working to the standards expected in the company”

This wasn’t good. It was really not good. Not a firing, but definitely a talk down. And company evaluations at RegressCo that involved a talk down had a tendency to result in demotion to “potty by the desk at all times”

“This is ridiculous…” he whispered to himself leaning back in his chair. He looked over the spreadsheets in the bottom corner, eyes wandering over their file names.

“Potty and Toilet Tracker - Q1”

“Employee Character Reference Contact Details”

“Timesheets - Break and Lunch Monitoring - Q1”

All neat, all clearly labelled. Wouldn’t expect less from a straight laced intern in HR with more time to do busy work than anything useful.

“Incapable of working to the standards expected in the company…” he tapped his legs, biting on his bottom lip “What standards are they talking about…?”

He clicked on the Potty Tracker. Sure enough, everyone in the company was listed there, each one with a status drop down menu. Each of those were known to employees anyway, but it was clear this was the one area Jack was, at least, in the clear.

He looked over the list of his colleagues in IT. His manager was listed under the third rung of the ladder:

“PAUL FRY - Bathroom privileges, pull-ups required”

A thought popped into Jack's mind. These were all a matter of public record in the company. If he lowered the visible standards of those assessing him…

*************************************************************************************************************

Paul Fry grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the colourful kids tables in the kitchen. The cheetah had got used to this, regression for him was - as he liked to put it - “childs play“. Sure it was annoying for a while, but more often than not he woke up one morning back in his double bed sprawled out with a ripped diaper down his ankles. Then it was just shower, bathroom and back to the grind before the next time he got this small. Five years of it tended to give you a sense of it as it was happening and he’d had enough experience to keep himself stocked up with supplies. Potty training was just another system he had to learn in his IT Consultant position, like any other, and now he just went through the motions each…

He stopped in his tracks as a warmth spread through his crotch. His eyes shot to his pants, the apple dropping from his hands in shock. His paws shot to his front, feeling the plastic of the pull-up underneath them expanding as his bladder emptied completely.

“I… what the?” he pulled at the front of his waistband, checking the damage. Sure enough, the designs had faded, he’d not even felt it coming. This wasn’t normal…

“Hey Paul! You ok there?” he looked round and up at his co-worker. Doing his best to shake off his shock he smiled weakly

“Heh… yeah just errr…”

“Having a bathroom break?” the cheetahs jaw dropped “Oh come on, it was obvious a mile away”

“I… I am not!” he clenched his fists and stamped his foot on the floor. Wait… that wasn’t…

“Ok geez… wait… you’re...”

The cheetah felt strange. Why couldn’t he unclench his fists? Why did he feel so wound up? He tried to focus on breathing, trying to relieve the sudden tightness. His tail had gone straight, his legs were bending…

“Oh… Oh no!”

His co-worker fanned his nose dramatically “I’ll err… I’ll go get the nurse Paul. Try not to sit down”

The cheetah felt tears coming to his eyes as he patted the back of his pants. But… he was potty training...

*************************************************************************************************************

Satisfied with a little adjustment to his managers training progress - the drop down box now helpfully stating “Incontinent - Diapers Required” - Jack started skimming through a couple of the other spreadsheets. It couldn’t hurt to make a few additional adjustments here and there to get him through this, it’s not like they’d be permanent. They’d probably just blame simple clerical error and leave it at that. He wasn’t even logged in, so these wouldn’t appear as his edits.

His mouse hovered over one particular spreadsheet, his mind finding another puzzle piece clicking into place.

“Employee Character Reference Contact Details”

A devious idea entered into Jack's mind. He looked through the list of staff members. There was his name, his mother listed as his emergency contact (being single wasn’t out of choice, so they were the best option) but he quickly found what he was looking for just below it...

*************************************************************************************************************

“Hey Richie! Need a hand with those boxes?”

Richard looked up and pressed the “Open” button on the elevator as the fox ran in next to him, his fennec ears perking up as he heard his friends gracious offer.

“Yeah, that would be great! Seriously, I have no idea why the head of HR needs all this stationary. Can’t he just, I dunno, not eat his crayons every week?”

The fox laughed “Oh come on, he probably just spills his bottle on everything and needs to replace it”

As the elevator doors closed, Richard leaned against the back of the wall, checking his phone for messages. Sure enough, his wife was checking in on him at work, as she always seemed to.

“Urgh…Janet”

“Hmmm? Trouble in the Forrester household?”

Richard shook his head “Nah, just getting the old “Are you sure you’re ok in work?” spiel. She cares a lot but man she can be…”

His phone went off again, another message from her had popped through this time with a picture.

“Come on kiddo, I know you’re there! You left your lunch at home silly!”

The picture made Richard raise an eyebrow. She’d taken a picture of a kids lunchbox, adorned with cartoons and primary colours. He’d never seen it before in his life.

“Oh wow, that's your lunchbox?”

“NO!” Richard snapped back at the fox, immediately feeling a blush of shame come to his face for responding that way.

“Hah, right, of course not.”

Richard growled a little under his breath as he started to respond

“Where did you get that from?! Great prank Janet, but I’ve got my lunch back in the office in my own tupperware”

The elevator stopped at another floor. Richard began apologising as those outside looked disappointed at the pile of boxes taking up all of the space.

“Sorry! I’m sure there’ll be another…”

He stopped for a second as the door closed. Stifled giggles were coming from all of the staff. The fox burst into laughter as soon as the elevator started up again.

“Richie you might want to take your pacifier out before you talk”

What?

“I don’t have..” he immediately felt his tongue smacking against a rubber teat. His eyes widened, looking down at the offending accessory that had found its way into his muzzle and pulling it free. It bounced off his chest as the clip that was attached to his shirt pocket caught it on the way down.

“What the heck…”

He felt his phone go off again. Grabbing at it he looked at the message that had just come in from Janet.

“Oh you silly bee, that’s not yours! You should know better than to lie to mommy! I bet you couldn’t even do it without having your pacifier in, you always do that just before you tell me a fib!”

Richards jaw dropped. Whatever was happening this was not how he’d expected this elevator ride to go, even as it reached its final stop. Whatever, he’d solve it once they’d unpacked everything, Janet acting strange was the least of his worries.

“Ah, Richie!” The jackalope had been waiting for his delivery just outside his office “Glad to see you again, loving the new pacifier, Janet get it for you?”
“I… errr…”

“Just teasing” he took a small craft knife out of his pocket “Let’s just check the first lot…” he opened the tape of the first box the fox handed down to him, pulling open the cardboard sides.

“Looks great! Oh, Richie!” He pulled out another box from inside the delivery, this one adorned with babyish designs “This is for you! Janet called me and asked to order this in. I have to say I think a lot of us are very jealous you have such a lovely mommy” he chuckled a little.

Richard could barely keep his jaw off the ground

“WI-FI BABY MONITOR - KEEP TRACK OF YOUR LITTLE ONE ANYWHERE!”

As his phone went off again he shoved the pacifier back in his mouth and ran back into the elevator...

*************************************************************************************************************

Jack couldn’t help but giggle to himself as he made the changes. Richie had always been funny to watch around his wife, a quick change to make her his “Mother by Regression” was far more fitting anyway. When they called for his character evaluation it would change the questions - “Does Richard need regular nap times”, “Does Richard prefer cloth or disposable diapers” - certainly lower his expected standards a little… and by extension the company average.

He glanced around again. He was on a roll at this point, in for a penny in for a pound on the whole thing.

“Timesheets - Break and Lunchtime Monitoring - Q1”

Well… one last little edit would do for now…

*************************************************************************************************************

Henry sighed as he leant back in his office chair. He had no idea where Jack had got to, the hyena must have been stuck in a side office working on equipment or something. The IT department was on a skeleton crew at the moment, Paul was at lunch and Jack was, well, not particularly useful at the best of times. He leaned forward, adjusting the booster seat under him a little. Being a field mouse came with a mixture of pros and cons in this place. He had all the accessibility items he could ever need for someone his size, but he did wish they weren’t all in primary colours.

He glanced at his watch. Paul should’ve been back from lunch by now, and was delaying his own.
“Guess I’ll go grab him, probably got stuck chatting to one of those cats down in accounting…”

He made his way out of the IT office and down the hall. There was a little bit of commotion going on, a few of the girls were giggling outside the kitchen. He caught the word “accident” as he came up to the doorway.

“What’s happening? Did I miss…”

“Oh Henry dear is it time for your feeding already?”

He looked to his right to see the head of catering, a large and motherly bear, walking towards the entrance, her apron stained from trying to persuade some of the regressed staff members to eat the veggies their caretakers had asked them to provide.

“Is Paul there, he’s…”

The mouse yipped as he was suddenly lifted off the ground the bear hoisting him on her arms

“Now now dear, don’t worry, your bottle is ready and waiting to go in the warmer as always”

Henry’s eyes widened as he looked up at his captor, squirming in her arms “Wa..wait! What are you doing?! I don’t need a feeding, I’m not regressed!”

The bear gave his tummy a rub with one of her large fingers, her fur sneaking between the buttons of his shirt, untucking it and causing the mouse to squirm around it.

“Ssshhh, I know you're not regressed silly, but that’s what’s on your lunchtime chart isn’t it! It’s alright, we’re always happy to oblige, no need to be embarrassed”

He went to open his mouth to complain again but before he could, the bear started to rub his tummy again. It was relaxing and calming, far more than he’d like to admit. He felt himself mewl a little as he heard the beeping of the warmer finishing up what he could only assume was about to be his next meal.

“Now Henry, don’t worry, Mama Bear is gonna let you finish this up and then you can have your nap ok?”

Nap?! He didn’t have naps at lunchtime he…

Before Henry could finish that thought the teat of the bottle was shoved unceremoniously into his mouth. He couldn’t help but swallow the warm milk that started to flow into his little maw, it’s taste washing over every part of his mouth.

“There we are! See, no problem at all. Your manager was in here a little while ago, the poor kitten had a bit of an accident. Guess something is going round in IT?”

Henry wasn’t really focussed on her voice. He just continued to nurse, desperate to get the experience over with so he could…

“Oh dear!”

Henry's eyes went wide. The warmth of the milk had flowed down into his stomach, but a different heat was now running down his suit pants.

“Goodness me, guess someone needed to make a bit of room huh? Not to worry, this bear’s seen much worse. But I don’t think you’ll be able to stay in those pants…”

The mouse tried to pop the bottle out of his mouth to get out some sort of explanation, but the paw of the bear was keeping it firmly in place.

“Now, where are those diapers…”

*************************************************************************************************************

Jack grinned from ear to ear. Adjustments to lunchtime rotas and meals took a little time to get ready, so by the time of his appraisal, he’d be the only one making himself his own lunch there. Henry would have to have bottles for a week or so before they made that correction, but it would be funny watching him try to explain it to a diapered Paul...

Satisfied with his adjustments the hyena saved the relevant documents. That was it for the day, no need to go completely overboard and bring too much suspicious behaviour to the attention of HR. They liked to track these things, and going too far could mean IT could get a permanent changing table in the office. He shuddered at the idea…

Still, he couldn’t help feeling like he needed to edit his own document just to be sure. It had been pretty harsh after all.

He had to be careful and remove something specific. Removing everything would be obvious. Scanning down the list of bullet points he saw one he could very easily get rid of

“He’s noted to be a clumsy member of staff. Motor control that of a child at times, recommend sippy cups and bibs at lunchtime as a precaution”

That was bull, but he knew that would be the sort of thing he’d find particularly annoying if any of that was acted on. He selected the entire line and deleted it before moving the mouse towards the close button

Except it didn’t get there. It span across the screen, slowly moving its way across the taskbar

“What the…”

It must have crashed, he thought. The next thing to do in this situation was to bring up the task manager and…

His fingers clenched into fists, preventing him from even doing that. Panic spread across his face as he felt his legs push him away from the desk and start to move of their own accord, pulling him to the ground in a crawl.

“What… what’s happening?!” he shouted out loud. The empty office didn’t respond, but his arm seemingly did. It slapped against his muzzle, feeling like he’d slept on it for days. His jaw opened as well, licking at the end of his fist and drooling round the back of it. Before he could try to regain control, his thumb had firmly lodged itself inside, his body seemingly desperate for the oral fixation.

The hyena felt tears come to his eyes as he fell onto his back. The image of Paul coming in to find him like this was too embarrassing to think about. If he could just get himself back to his feet he could…

“Hey do you have my laptop ready yet?”