Editing is a hell of a drug - Which would you prefer? (Patreon)

Greetings to you, my dear patron.

I am an amateur writer, but I am sure you know that fully well. And I am trying to improve and identify my weaknesses and my bad habits as a writer. I have thrown myself under the proverbial bus countless times for my rampant over-use, misuse, and plain ignorance regarding commas which has a direct link to my overly wordy run-on sentence issues as well. But enough about me and more about why I humbly request your decisive clicks based on your innate desires from the written word.

 A fancy way of saying, which of these three passages do you prefer?

 The original was very quick to write, the Revised took a bit more time, and the double revised is taking quite a while to write. I have been using online editing software that gives advice and identifies common issues and some of them happen en masse.

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 I am torn between blindly accepting practical, effective advice from robots, and the idea that I don't need to make as many of those changes because my writing style is its own thing and making those changes takes away from it perhaps.

 A conundrum. Ultimately I am going to do what I want to do since that is what anyone is want to do and should do when doing needs done. And so should you. But I will say this, I like to think that feedback is very helpful and I want to get better at taking feedback so if you could spare a click I'd appreciate it.

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Original:
He was flicking through her Instagram while drinking down the last of his smoothie staring at the images of his new girlfriend.  Jessica was sexy, as one photo of her doing a squat, her toned, but thick ass and thighs clearly the focus of the picture, looking over her shoulder and winking at the camera.  The pic was covered with cake emoji and glittery text that said ‘TIME TO GET THICC FOR WINTER’.  It had almost 2,000 likes and he felt his cock starting to get hard.

 Standing up he moved over to the counter of the ‘Jumbo Juice’ smoothie and supplement bar looking at the clock and to Jessica.  The brown apron around her thin waist flared out around her big ass as she was leaning down to get more cups from a bottom shelf basically flashing him, the thin skin-tight black tights leaving next to nothing to the imagination as he stared at her perfect ass cheeks.

Revised:

He sucked down a cool fruity sip of his strawberry smoothie while flicking through the Instagram of his new girlfriend, staring at the images and letting the videos play again and again studying all the details. Jessica was sexy and fit and was into health foods like protein shakes and smoothies and worked out a lot and loved to document her progress. And he loved watching that progress. He scrolled to the next clip and looked over his shoulders and glanced around to see who was nearby since it was pretty racy then leaned back a little bit and took another sip of the Strawberry Splash giving the plastic cup a shake and checking how much he had left. Not a lot.

She was wearing light gray workout leggings with those vent areas that look like dark geometric shapes running down the side of each leg and places where skin touched skin outlining key areas for discerning viewers like him. He stared at that grey vent line following it up her ankles, across her thick and toned thighs, and then meeting another cropping of vent fabric that perfectly went around her big round butt cheek. Her ass, a work of art, was the real focus of the picture, and she was looking over her shoulder and winking at the camera. Her long straight chestnut brown hair was tied up in a ponytail, dark with moisture from her workout, and draped down the center of her glistening sports bra-covered back. The pic itself was decorated with cake emoji and glittery text that said ‘TIME TO GET THICC FOR WINTER’. It had almost 2,000 likes and he felt his cock starting to get hard until the sound of himself sucking for more smoothie that just wasn’t there broke his thirsty gaze.

After sorting out his junk, he stood up and surveyed the seating area of ‘Jumbo Juice’, the pseudo health food smoothie and snack place in town.  There were a few clusters of people wearing skimpy gym clothes and chatting it up and flexing and showing off their skin as pheromones scented the summer air dotted with nutty and herbal notes of fragrances from the drinks being served.  Each table among the groups was littered with a variety of different sizes of clear plastic cups filled with various colored liquids and looked like a scientist’s laboratory except only half-naked social media influencers were admitted to the lab. Sebastian strolled from one of the side tables near the small hallway along the side wall that went towards the back and the bathrooms heading towards the counter near the front where there was a waist-high swinging door that employees used to bring orders to customers. It also afforded the best angle at Jessica’s ass while she was ringing people up

DOUBLE Revised:

He was flicking through Instagram while sucking down a cool fruity sip of his strawberry smoothie. This was his new routine since he started dating his new girlfriend. And he stared at each image and let each video play again and again so he could study every juicy detail. The owner of the Instagram account he obsessed over was a sexy coed into keeping fit. She was also his girlfriend, Jessica! This chick was really into health foods like protein shakes and smoothies and loved documenting her progress at the gym via her gram. Progress that he loved to watch and like. He scrolled to the next clip and looked over his shoulders glancing around to see who was nearby since this next one seemed pretty racy. All clear. Then he leaned back a little bit and took another long draw from the Strawberry Splash giving the plastic cup a shake and checking how much he had left. Not a lot.   

Light gray workout leggings were dotted with stylized vent areas in geometric shapes and patterns. These patterns ran down the sides of each of her legs emphasizing how long they were. His eyes roamed along following it from her ankles, up across her thick and toned thighs, to where it intersected with another. That pattern followed some rounded contours where skin touched skin casting a shadow and outlining her curves. He liked these lines the best because they highlighted key areas for discerning viewers like him. This vent fabric traced a perfect line around her big round butt cheeks. Her ass, a work of art, was the real focus of the picture, and she was looking over her shoulder and winking at the camera. Her long straight chestnut brown hair was tied up in a ponytail, dark with moisture and sweat from her workout, and draped down the center of her glistening sports bra-covered back. The pic itself had cake emoji and glittery text all over it that said ‘TIME TO GET THICC FOR WINTER’. It had almost 2,000 likes and he felt his cock starting to get hard as he sucked hard. Cool strawberry smoothie flowed in and then sputtered out making a loud sound. This interruption broke his gaze from the phone and he blinked a few times rubbing his eyes.    

After sorting out his junk, he stood up surveying the seating area of ‘Jumbo Juice’, the pseudo health food smoothie and snack place in town.  There were a few clusters of people in the shop right now. Some were wearing skimpy gym clothes and chatting it up, flexing muscles, and showing off skin with seductive intent. Pheromones filled the summer air scented with nutty and herbal notes from the drinks being served. Each of the tables with young bodies gathered around it had a variety of plastic cups in different sizes that were filled with colored liquids. Each looked like a scientist’s laboratory that only half-naked social media influencers could gain access to. Sebastian headed from his table, one of the ones set against the wall of a hallway headed to the back of the building, towards the front counter. He leaned on the edge of it right beside a waist-high swinging door that employees used to bring orders to customers. It also afforded the best angle at Jessica’s ass while she was ringing people up. This was the main reason he liked that table, too.