Rewriting Poolside Snacks - Reflection Exercise #1 (Patreon)

Hey there Patrons. I hope that you are having a good one!

 TL;DR - This is me ranting (At length...) about writing and comparing the original and new versions of 'Poolside snacks'. The only new smutty writing will be the teaser of the opening which you can scroll down to check right away.

 I am plugging away at rewriting 'Poolside Snacks' and decided that I wanted to make some comparisons and do a little reflection on the experience as a whole.  I do some rewriting while I go through the original draft and of course, I go through and do some light editing, but honestly, I pretty much post very raw drafts on the internet.  Does it show? When people say kind things about my writing I feel a bit like a fraud sometimes because while I do feel and agree the content is of a pretty decent quality at its heart, the delivery and finer points - the stuff that makes you a good writer (Perhaps?) is often shoddy. At least when I look at it after taking a step back.

 But regardless, there is always room for improvement in anything that we do if we want to spend the time and effort to do so.  Time is actually one of my most precious resources and one I find difficult to find more of... But I want to improve. I want the quality of my writing to improve and want to deliver more effective and intense experiences and images to readers.  

 I am working on building my confidence to the point where I start to publish some of this stuff.  I'd like to try that and see if I really do have what it takes, I think.  The fact that there are already kind and generous patrons like yourself, here, now, is mind-blowing to me. Seriously.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart and hope that my scribblings are worth your hard-earned money. Anyway I am getting too preachy and weepy, on with the fun stuff.

Revisions and Reflections: 'Poolside Snacks'

Basically my goal with the rewriting was to add more detail, make the scenes more clearer overall, and fine-tune the 'logic' of the story. I wanted to make sure the actions that characters were taking were easier to bring into your mind's eye, while still leaving room for you to paint in some of the details that fit your personal preferences.  By fine-tuning the 'logic', I meant to improve the flow of the story so a reader didn't stop partway through and ask questions about how something would be possible or balk at the incredulous suppositions made by the plot and things that took place within it.

 In the process, I added about 1,000 words!  And this is just a copy/paste snippet from the Start including the opening scene where Sebastian is getting through his day after eating the spiked bagels.

 General writing improvements

I have started using a few different programs and websites to work on revising and writing with more clarity and I think in general comma use, a personal weakness/proclivity of mine, has improved drastically.  I like run-on sentences and halfway through a sentence convince myself for some reason that if I throw in one more comma I can just keep going.  My writing often mimics my speech patterns in that way during earlier drafts and I have a tendency to just keep blabbing.

Another improvement is keeping to 3rd person exclusively.  I read a novel a few years back that bounced from various characters' heads and there would be plenty of first-person mixed in with 3rd person and I enjoyed it myself and had been trying to replicate it at the time.  I don't think I pulled it off as effectively as that author had and wanted to clean up the overall flow of the language as well.

 Flavor and Detail

 Detail and flavor-wise, I let loose a bit more and added more detail. Without a word count to be conscious of I could paint the picture more clearly of the quad and making the scene a bit more alive and instill a sense of the temperature of the season. On one hand, I'd like to describe everything in a scene painting an absolutely clear picture of the surroundings and external factors coming into play for each scene so the reader has those things in the back of their head while the action focuses on the main characters. On the other hand, of course the more attention and words dedicated to talking about the buff dudes playing frisbee or the girls laying on the lawn means less focus on the main characters which doesn't necessarily do any favors for people who self-insert in the MC or mostly only care about the main characters.  It is a difficult balance to find, but I often focus on MC over everything and always feel like I could add a bit more flavor to the surroundings which I was happy to do in this particular rewrite.

Enjoy the first bit of the rewrite and look forward to the finished version later this week!

 Hopefully, this little teaser is enjoyable and you can get a sense of what is going on in my head as I write these stories.  If you don't like peeking behind the veil then I will limit this kind of meta-talk and keep it to smut only.  Let me know in the comments if that is the case.

Original Version: (661 Words)
My girlfriend Mika had been kind enough to give me some bagels from her friend Analyn’s Mom’s shop.  I had never been there, but heard they were good and liked bagels. The bag was heavy so there must have been a couple in there as I sat down for lunch.  I opened the bag and realized that it was two bagels and they had a ton of cream cheese on them which had a sweet smell and streaks of blueish color amidst the creamy whiteness which was spread over the dense grainy bagels.  I ate them and felt really satisfied and went on with my day, only a couple classes left before I got to see Mika again.  It was Friday and we were going to have a pool party at Mika’s house.

 Of course things had been going great with Mika who was a sexy Japanese girl, and had a great body.  Her ass was excellent and she had nice average C-cup breasts too.  She always wore her long black hair in a bun.  But I also didn’t mind hanging around with her bubbly friend Analyn either.  Analyn was a cute Filipina girl, shorter and smaller than Mika in almost every way, but she was still fun to be around and made a part of me kept hoping for a chance to maybe get a threesome going since Mika would joke about when she saw me looking at Analyn sometimes.  I felt myself getting a boner just at the thought of it as my dick and balls continued getting warmer.  I slid my school bag around to hide it and headed to class.

 The hard on in my pants wouldn’t relent and I was starting to get worried.  It wasn’t a random boner anymore and was super hard, almost to the point of hurting as it pushed against my cargo shorts.  That and the heat as well was starting to make me sweat.  I managed to make it through my second to last class and ran to the bathroom and into a stall to see what was going on.  I whipped out my rock hard cock and it was throbbing as I grabbed it with my hand feeling the hotness of it.  I wasn’t small or anything and Mika often mentioned how much she loved my dick, but my dick was bigger and thicker than before as I started to stroke it without thinking.  Even though other boys were coming in and out and the bathroom, I just started to masturbate as quietly as I could mesmerized by my new dick.  It was at least seven or eight inches long, just enough to fit both my hands around its length and as I began to stroke it back and forth my testicles popped out of my fly and began to bounce back and forth.  Were they bigger and heavier too? I wondered to myself and grabbed one with one of my hands, still stroking my thick shaft as pleasure began to fill from the depths of my crotch.  My nutsack and balls were bigger too, and each nut was almost the size of an egg.  This was crazy.  I got lost in the fantasy that seemed to be actually happening to me and the warmth of my cock and balls, mixed with the thrill of fapping this new tool as my balls slapped around brought me to orgasm fairly quickly.

 I grunted and shot the first two ropes against the back wall before gaining control of the thing and shooting the next few bursts of cum into the bowl which hit the water with heavy splashes.  My mouth fell open as I looked at the mess I’d made on the back wall and surveyed the amount of cum in the toilet bowl.  That was the biggest orgasm in my life.  I wiped my brow of the sweat, and cleaned up as best I could before heading to my final class.

Revised Version: (1687 Words)
His girlfriend since a few months into the first year of university, Mika, had been kind enough to give him some bagels from her friend Analyn’s Mom’s coffee shop on campus. He had never been there but heard they were good and liked bagels. If only it weren’t on the opposite side of campus from where his classes were. He thought to himself while testing the unusual weight of the brown paper bag while setting his things out on the picnic bench. Nearby were some dudes playing frisbee and a few ladies sunbathing in the lovely summer weather. The bag was heavy and it took him by surprise so there must have been more than a couple in there. Upon opening the bag his eyebrows arched up seeing that there were only two bagels, but they each had a ton of cream cheese on them and a sweet smell wafted up from the sack tickling his nose. Peering in there were streaks of blueish color amidst the creamy whiteness of the cheese that was squished out of the sides of each sliced bagel making for two chunky sandwiches. He ate them while enjoying the light breeze and the smells of the freshly cut grass while taking more than a few casual glances at the bodies getting more and more tan. It was a satisfying meal and he smiled thinking about how much he cared for Mika, excited that only a few classes separated him from seeing her again. It was Friday and they were going to have a pool party at her house.

Things had been going great with her the last few months, he mused while collecting up his things and traipsing across the lawn toward the building where his next class was. He imagined her smiling at him with cute closed eyes like an emoji. She was Japanese and had long black hair which she always wore in a perfectly round bun. She had a nice slim body as many Japanese seem to have, but growing up outside of Japan meant she ate a lot of junky food as many young people are often want to do, but luckily for him, it went mostly to her ass and hips. An image of her dancing around and acting silly when they were together always made him smile. She often wore short skirts with tight leggings that showed off her curves. She knew how to tease him. Although she had kind of a pear-shaped body type, she wasn’t flat-chested by any means and had confidence in her looks. She would usually just wear hoodies, but in the warmer months pretty much wore halter tops and sleeveless shirts showing off some cleavage which drove him crazy. He was a lucky guy for sure.

On top of that, she was pretty much connected at the hip with her bestie, a bubbly Filipina girl named Analyn. He didn’t mind hanging out with her since she was cute too, but she could be more than a handful at times, especially when he was hoping for some ‘alone time’ with his Mika. Analyn was shorter and smaller than Mika in almost every way, which was impressive since Mike herself was about 5 feet tall herself. One thing that always had him wondering why she was there all the time was the jokes Mika would say whenever he looked at Analyn. ‘Oh so is today the day we have that three-way?’ while grabbing his face by the chin and aiming it firmly back at her. She is the best. He thought to himself, but part of him also hoped it was more than just a joke. The offhand thought became clearer and he saw Analyn getting closer to him so Mika began to rub her soft breasts up against him and put a hand on his crotch in competition with a playful sneer at her friend. Before he knew it he had a substantial hard-on bulging in his pants just as he snapped out of his fantasy upon approaching the door to the building where his class was. He felt his penis getting warmer, glanced around nervously, and then slid his bookbag around to the front in an attempt to hide it putting more pressure from his pants rubbing against the sensitive tip of his little friend causing him to walk a little strangely down the hallway as he tried to adjust it when he thought people weren’t looking in his direction.

When he was sitting down during his classes it wasn’t such a big deal, but normally when he calmed down or focused on his study a random erection like this would go away on its own. By the time second period was almost finished and the hard-on in his pants wouldn’t relent he started to get worried. It wasn’t a random boner anymore and was super hard, almost to the point of hurting with how hard it pushed against his cargo shorts. He had it covered with a light jacket because it tented out so obviously. That and the heat of the day was starting to make him sweat. After the bell rang and most of the class had got up and left, he played it cool with his jacket tied around his waist trying to conceal this priapismic rock-hard cock in his pants while heading towards the bathroom to see what the heck was going on. There were a few glances, but nothing stopped him on the way and he ducked into a stall and began to unzip his pants immediately.

He pulled his shorts and underwear straight down and his cock bounced down and up, throbbing visibly. Slowly and gently he reached his hand down to grab it and felt the heat emanating from it before he even touched it. It was hot, hotter than normal, and it was like putting your hand up to a mug of hot chocolate it was so hot. ‘Damn. Is this normal? What the heck is going on?’ He thought as concern began to creep into the back of his mind. Then he took another look and realized his dick was actually a bit bigger maybe. Or perhaps it was just the hardest erection he ever felt and that made it look bigger than usual. Mika always said how much she loved his dick, not too big, not too small, not too thick or too thin. Just right. He began to stroke it once his hand got used to the heat and instead of the semi-painful pressure he had to deal with during the morning, it quickly started to feel good, like, really good. The doors to other stalls opened and closed once and a while and there were people flushing urinals, washing hands, and chatting it up, but Sebastian was focused on this boiling hot dick in his hands. He kept quiet and tried to stroke it in silence getting turned on more by the new sensation and feeling of this thicker shaft and began to try and make each stroke longer and longer up and down the entire seven or eight inches of the shaft he now had room to play with.

It was just long enough to fit both of his hands around its length like he was gripping the handle of a baseball bat and he began to stroke it back and forth incidentally yanking his testicles from the inside of his boxers causing them to bounce back and forth. Were they bigger and heavier too? He wondered to himself and grabbed one of his hot balls while still stroking his thick shaft with the other as pleasure began to well forth from the depths of his crotch. ‘My nutsack and balls are definitely bigger too… Each nut is almost the size of an egg.’ He was thinking as he inspected his expanded assets. As the concerns and worries about his unstoppable erection fell away and the thrilling pleasure of jerking off this bigger thicker cock built up it was a fantasy come true. The weighty feeling of his heavy balls bouncing around and slapping against his thighs like hot stones was the final touch that brought him to orgasm with an involuntary grunt he couldn’t stifle.

The first two ropes of sperm shot with force against the back wall forcing him to clench his ass and thrust forward a little bit during each spasm before he could gain control of the thing and aim it into the toilet bowl. He held his cock in one hand and braced himself against the back wall for support when his hand finally got some purchase after slipping around on some freshly dispersed hot sticky spunk. He needed to brace himself because the orgasm felt so good and so he could angle his rock-hard dick downwards shooting the successive bursts of cum into the bowl which hit the water with heavy splashes. He was stuck in that position for a little while shooting the last few spurts of semen and breathing hard with his eyes closing as the orgasm subsided. When he finally opened his eyes his mouth fell open taking a toll of the mess he made on the back wall following the thick gelatinous drips down the wall and looking at the amount of cum in the toilet bowl swirling around like pearlescent jellies. That was the biggest orgasm in his life to date he reconciled while pulling out a bunch of toilet paper and wiping his hands off.

After a few minutes of cleanup, he finally got the stall looking semi-usable again and realized his boner was finally relaxed enough that it wouldn’t be sticking out obscenely like this morning. He rubbed an arm across his brow wicking away the sweat from that physical exertion he went through, grabbed his stuff, and left the stall. He washed his hands taking a look at himself in the mirror with a look matching the sentiment of ‘Is this for real right now?’ and glanced down at the bulge in his shorts before drying his hands and heading to his final class.