RotGM Chapter 72 - I Knew it Was Bullshit (Patreon)

UPDATE- I added 4 new sentences to the end of the chapter that change the tone of the ending immensely.

Unedited but he is starting to edit stuff again slowly. 67 was edited earlier and he should be getting back to normal soon.

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Did I take things a bit too far? Yes, absolutely. Am I going to apologize for it? No.

One change of fresh panties and some good old fashioned crying later, Luxy returns only this time without the whole extravagant platform, dove, and shroud shenanigans. She simply went to go freshen up a bit and teleported back as soon as she was done.

The skies are once more bright and sunny, so she seems to be much more in control of her mood once again. I’m going to avoid pushing my luck even though I know for sure she won’t hurt me.

She looks at me with a haggard expression, like someone sucked all the life out of her. Even the golden aura shimmering around her body has dulled a bit.

She snaps her fingers and a table of light appears alongside two very, very different chairs. One is plush, stupidly tall and luxuriant to the point of absurdity, and the other is made of rickety wooden planks.

A part of me wants to just sit in her chair before she can even say a word in protest, but I don’t want to push my luck.

“You’re not gonna drink any of it, right?” Luxy asks in a distant and dismissive tone.

“No. It’s all yours.”

“Mmm. What do you want, then? Feel free to ask for anything.”

“Anything?”

She holds her tongue and glares at me. “Don’t forget who you’re speaking to! I could create any liquid you could ever possibly desire!”

“Indeed, you seem to be quite skilled when it comes to-”

Luxy’s face goes red and tears begin to form once more as she slams her little fists on the table shouting, “DON’T YOU DARE SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

Smirking, I take my seat at the chair that looks like it would fit right at home in the Guild.

“Do you like it? I thought if you felt more at home it’d get you to calm yourself and behave.” Luxy takes her seat as well which of course, has her looking down at me from about five feet off the table.

“The chair’s nice, sure, but it’s just missing that overwhelming stench of failure that the Guild seems to have.”

The Goddess leans down and crosses her legs. “Your words, not mine. You’ve pis... You’ve made me very, VERY angry but I still intend to treat you as my honored guest, so... drink?”

I’ll throw her an easy one.

“Give me my grandpa’s favorite drink.”

She looks at me puzzled for a moment and then raises an eyebrow before snapping her fingers once more. A mug materializes on the table made out of transparent, solid light and it fills itself quickly with a fragrant and dark beer. A single taste reveals it to be a Dry Dwarven Stout, and a particularly good one at that... No, no. Scratch that. it’s the best damn beer I’ve ever tasted. I have to give her credit when credit is due.

“You might have guessed I’m refraining from reading your mind, but your attempt to gauge how much I know about you and your family was  childish at best and infantile at worst.”

“Well you would know more about being infantile than I would, wouldn’t you Luxy?”

Luxy takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Taking another swallow of his favorite beer, I can’t help but think about Grandpa. Or rather...

“He’s not in your heavenly city over there, is he?”

It takes everything she has to even just try to hold back her laughter and still she fails, snorting so loudly and unladylike that she sounds more like a squealing pig than she does a melodious Goddess. “Oh, FUCK no. He’s with my elder sister.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“He really was a complete and utter bastard, you know?”

I smile warmly and sip more from the wondrous beer. “He sure was...” Vivid childhood memories of the imperfect man who raised fill my head and I let out a weary, nostalgic sigh.

Luxy awkwardly clasps her hands together to grab my attention. “Soooooo... yeaaaaahhhhh. I didn’t want to meet you face to face, like ever, but like... Here we aaaare...”

...

“Here is the offering I initially made, it’s still yours.” I present the little shot glass full of ambrosia to her and she looks at me in such a profoundly disgusted way.

“If that were any smaller I’d presume it were meant for an ant. Give me the bottle, Mortal, or you’ll leave my Realm without a single answer.”

“Oh, you’ll get the bottle.”

“Finally, you’re starting to understand the position you’re in I suppose? It took you awhile, but-”

“You get a single shot of ambrosia for every couple of questions you answer. That’s how this is going to work, understood? Play your cards right and you’ll have all of it... bit by bit.”

Her face sours and she looks away. “That’s not good enough, how do I even know you won’t run out of questions?”

The list I prepared well in advance is taken out of my pocket and it crinkles as I unfold it. “Oh, I think we’ll manage.”

She sighs. “Very well. Give me the initial offering.”

I raise the cup and she snaps her fingers. Silly old me was presuming she would teleport it into her hand and she’d drink it like a regular person, but no. A dove appears from nowhere and snatches it out of my hand- but not before shitting on the table in front of me, naturally.

It then flies the drink over to its mistress and... uh. The Goddess opens her mouth and the Dove somehow pours it down her hatch from above. Is she truly so fucking lazy that she can’t even be asked to drink normally? Or did she not want to even touch the glass I’d offered her? I’ve long heard that the nobility were out of touch but... clearly they have nothing on Gods.

At least after drinking it her typically bitchy face contorts with joy, making her look passably cute for just the shortest of moments until she ruins it with a bratty smile.

The dove flies back to my side of the table carrying the shot glass in its beak and shitting once more after dropping it off. This has to be intentional. It seems I may have to deal with entirely petty revenge from her until she forgives or forgets. I’ll bet on the latter.

“Very good. You have my thanks, and my permission to ask anything that comes to mind. I must preface this by saying due to the nature of your... situation, there are a great many things that I legitimately cannot answer.”

“Says who?”

“Ancient laws established by Gods in times so incomprehensible to the mortal mind that even just beginning to describe them would-”

“Yeah, yeah.” I wave my hand dismissively. “I get it. Seems like you really can’t blab about some things so I’ll try and keep that in mind and be more... respectful.”

“See that you do.” Luxy narrows her eyes with discontempt, perhaps even a bit of scorn for me. Grandpa isn’t the only complete and utter bastard in the family, so I can hardly say it isn’t warranted. From what little he always told me of my father, too, it sounds like he’s also one as well assuming that Grandpa was being truthful in his bitterness.

“Mmm, let’s see here...” I mockingly look through the list and point it out. “Ah yes, the first question. It says, ‘Fuck you.’”

Taking a deep breath as she continues to barely contain her anger, Luxy says, “That is not a question, and we will be moving forward when you’re ready to take this more seriously... shithead.”

“Right. Of course.” Scrolling down on the list to the next question, “About that... actually, the second question also says ‘Fuck you.’”

“SURELY YOU JEST! I CAN’T- AWAH?!” The Goddess of Light leans over her massive, towering chair in a rage only to lose balance and fall over face-first onto the table below. I feel no sympathy. This is what she gets for insisting on an implausibly tall chair out of spite.

As she lifts her head off the table of light and magics away the dove shit on her cheek, I point the piece of paper towards her and reveal that I really did write ‘Fuck you.’ on the first two lines.

When I first sat down to think of everything I wanted to ask her it was hard not to let a little bit of my anger boil to the surface. I’d meant to scribble them out, but I saw an opportunity here and felt like taking it.

“Very funny.” Luxy snaps her fingers and the outrageously tall chair of hers shrinks and becomes roughly level with my own.

“My apologies, I’m ready to begin in earnest now if you are.” With a warm smile I begin to pour her a new shot glass and present it to her. “Here. Another free one.”

“...” She looks at me suspiciously before reaching out with her own hand and drinking the ambrosia with no assistance from any of her doves. “Thank you.”

I think this beer mellowed me out a good deal, I’m not as angry as I was a bit ago and I do feel a little bad about how I treated her... but everything I felt isn’t a lie.

Unless something really, really changes between us then there will always be a little bit of resentment in my heart towards this Goddess and if she’s not quite as dumb as she’s shown herself to be so far she’ll understand that.

Luxy downs the nectar of the gods and smiles widely once again, handing me the cup after her tiny shot is finished and then scooting off the table to sit down on her comfy chair. “Let’s do this shit, Mortal.”

“My real first question is no surprise. Why am I so special?”

“Because everyone loves you and you’re perfect in everything that you do.” She rolls her eyes. “Really? That’s what you’re leading with?”

I groan loudly and clench my fist. “Just fucking tell me the general gist of everything then, ok? No bullshit. Say what you can and I don’t care how fucking long it takes, I’m not going anywhere until it all makes sense.”

Luxy sighs but nods her head. “That’ll work for me. If I were to sum it up... I had a falling out with my sister and she challenged me to a bet. You’re the bonafide Hero of Light, kiddo and you’re gonna beat the Demon Lord. But hey, you already know that much.”

“...So it’s really true. How did Grandpa... no, how did my dad know?”

“Because I sent a divine message to your dumbass dad explaining that his next kid was gonna be super special and that you would be the one to defeat the oncoming Demon Lord. Told him he should send you back to live with your grandpa.”

“Excuse me, did you just say his NEXT kid, or-”

“SILENCE! I am speaking. See, I’ve done the whole Hero of Light shit before. It’s boring. Same old, same old. Oh, Hero! Go forth and venture out with this magical sword and defeat the DEEEEEMON LOOOOOORD!” She makes a noose gesture around her neck and sticks her tongue out. “Gag me. I figured we’d try something a liiiiittle different this time around.”

“What do you mean?” I rub my temples from stress as I process this.

“PUH-lease. You’re stupidly smart. I made sure you were. Why don’t YOU tell ME what’s going on here, hmm? I know you’ve figured it out already and you’re just asking me for confirmation.” She gestures for me to pour her another glass of ambrosia, and I don’t deny it to her. As much as it truly pains me to admit it, this Goddess... she knows me better th-

“Than you know yourself? Yes. Yes, I do. And no, I DIDN’T read your mind just now.” Luxy smirks triumphantly and just for a split second I remember that fearful light that made me tremble before her. I need to remind myself that even if she pissed herself in fear, she’s still a Goddess and I must tread carefully. Even if I am the lynchpin of her plans that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make my life a living hell out of spite I suppose...

“Very well. My guess is this. You didn’t feel like being super actively involved this time so you set things up so that I’d get the job things in a different way.”

“Yessss?” She needily slurps her ambrosia down like a child.

“You picked out the perfect opportunity and had me born to the son of the only Guild Master with a privately owned Guild. Thus, if something ever happened to him I would inherit theOH MY FUCKING GODS DID YOU KILL MY FUCKING GRANDPA BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO BE A HERO?! I KNEW IT!! I KNEW DEATH FROM DISAPPOINTMENT WAS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! YOU... YOU... YOU DIVINE BAG OF SPARKLING, SHIMMERING CUNTS!!” Everything clicks into place and I frankly lose my shit, standing up off the table so hard my glasses fall off and I barely manage to catch and put them back on before they hurt.

Luxy instantly becomes defensive and a bit of the fear I instilled in her before rears its ugly head and she erects a bubble of light around herself to keep herself from me coming over there and smacking her again. “CALM YOURSELF, MORTAL! IT’S NOT HOW IT LOOKS LIKE!!”

“HOW THE FUCK IS IT NOT HOW IT LOOKS LIKE?!”

“I-I-IT WAS AN ACCIDENT OK! I WAS TRYING TO HELP!!”

...

“EXPLAIN, OR SO HELP ME. AMBROSIA. CLOUD.”

“WAAAAAAIT!!” She frantically waves her arms around. “So like, I have a problem, OK? I’m not fucking good at the whole ‘performing miracles’ shit anymore!”

“YEAH WELL THAT’S A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT IF I’VE EVER HEARD ONE, BITCH-”

“I MEAN IT! That’s... that’s how this whole bet started in the first place. Look, I was watching that conversation when he revealed the truth to you. I watched you a lot more back then. You were a cute, gloomy kid, ok? Shame about how you ended up but-”

“THE POINT, WOMAN. GET TO IT.”

“R-RIGHT! So, um. I was like, aw c’mon gramps, don’t be such a bitch. So I reached down into his heart and used my magic to whisper not to be disappointed and... uh... it echoed and the message kinda got distorted until it was basically just the word disappointed over and over again. One thing led to another, and...”

I sigh and slump down onto the table. “It sure fucking did...” I’m not angry anymore, rather I don’t have the emotional energy to be.

“Look, I had a fight with my sis about resurrecting him but she won out in the end. Lot of other Gods agreed with her, saying that it’d be good for you. Your older role model dying at a young age? That’s like Hero of Light 101!”

“...Is this why my eyes hurt me whenever I try to use them?”

“Um... yeah, kinda. But like I learned how to fix them with the whole destined girls bullshit but we’ll get into that later.”

There are tears in my eyes, so I wipe them off and down the rest of my... Grandpa’s beer. “Nikita was right. Gods fucking suck.”

“I’ll let you have that one, but... it wasn’t ALL bad after that, was it?”

“I was all alone...”

“You had Opalina and, uh... there was also that one guy in the Guild you were close to, right? And hey, I know it doesn’t really count for a whole lot, but... you did have me. I know I’m kinda a shitty patron deity and I kinda fucked off for a long time but... better late than never? I didn’t wanna make things worse so I stopped trying to help until I got a better hold on my miracles again. I was really, REALLY out of practice, kid. It’s better now, but still not the best. Hell, you saw it yourself. I couldn’t even fucking make a convincing illusion to conceal my true form from you.”

“I... alright.” I take a deep breath and shake my head. “Alright. If we’re going to continue this conversation. I’m gonna need another beer.” I say from my hiding place between my arms.

Suddenly a petite hand clasps my back, rubbing it sensually and with great care. That warm light hits me again and I feel everything wash away... the negativity... the pain... the sorrow... the depression... but even more so than that, I can sense that this is genuine.

My cynicism tends to always win out and I’d be the first to tell you that this Goddess was using her powers to make me easier to deal with but, no... she regrets everything that’s happened. I raise my head and see that in her other hand, the small Goddess of Light is holding another dry Dwarven stout for me ready and waiting. “Way ahead of you, kid.”

I can barely hear her words, my head is ringing despite her magical light doing its best to comfort me...

Still.

As bad as all this is...

At least I know now after 22 years of suffering that it... it wasn’t my fault...