RotGM Ch 73 - If It Ain't Broke Don't Fix It (Patreon)

Unedited, but you guys know that by now.

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Things were a bit better after I got my second beer, and it served to further mellow me out.

I’m still processing things.

I don’t know how to feel about this situation and I’m not happy with the Goddess, and I may not ever be, but despite acting like a bratty, uppity bitch I can’t deny that she holds at least some measure of fondness towards me and feels truly bad about what happened.

It’s hard to be vindictive when I know she abandoned me in an attempt to not make my life any worse than it already was.

But that doesn’t just erase how bad my life was for all those years... even if I’m at long last exonerated from the guilt of disappointing my grandpa. I mean sure, I’ll always have a complex about it... but... it feels good to know that maybe we could have worked things out.

Luxy returns to her chair and we continue the discussion.

“You didn’t finish piecing the whole story together. Keep going.”

I nod my head and sigh. “Right. You made it so I’d inherit the Guild when it was time for Grandpa to pass on. I believe you wanted me to raise a group of heroes who would defeat the Demon Lord under my guidance and oversight... and as for the magical semen stuff...”

“You would have unlocked that much sooner if you got laid, just so ya know. I had to give you a kick in the right direction.” She puffs her meager chest out as if she’s proud of hooking me up with a barely legal Princess. Not that I’m any less complicit in the act.

“I see. That leads me directly into what I assume is the next piece of the puzzle.”

Luxy leans over the table as she hangs on my words, only stopping to look at my bottle of ambrosia now and then.

“You’re incredibly fucking lazy, aren’t you Luxy?”

Her eyes flare up in anger and she stands up to shout. “I THOUGHT WE WERE MAKING PROGRESS, ASSHOLE! I’M TRYING TO BE NICE AND SO SHOULD YOU!”

“...I didn’t mean it in a judgmental manner, for the first place. Our interactions thus far lead me to this conclusion. You’re out of practice with your miracles, which makes me think you’ve not been helping Karnalle out too much for some time.”

“T-That’s...”

“I’m assuming that this bet was brought on through your sister’s growing annoyance at your lazy, temperamental attitude and that she wants you to do your job.”

“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME TEMPERAMENTAL, WHY I OUGHTA-”

To get her to stop, I pour her the next glass of ambrosia. It seems to shut her up.

“Am I correct?”

Luxy becomes silent and she looks away in shame. “I’m not allowed to speak about most of the specifics of the bet or anything directly revealing regarding the enemy...”

“So that’s a yes.”

I slide her the ambrosia with all the skill of my years bartending and she catches it.

“It’s not a no. That’s the best I can say. But what does me being lazy have to do with anything?”

I adjust my glasses and give the Goddess a stern look. “We both know what it has to do with this. The Guild, the Semen... you weren’t just bored of the standard Hero of Light bullshit, were you?”

“...Um.” Luxy begins to nervously sweat as she downs her golden nectar.

“You were setting it up so that you wouldn’t have to try very hard. If it started to look like I’d not be able to defeat the Demon Lord through raising a Guild... you were just going to tell me to focus on raising a family instead.”

“GAH-”

“The berserker Princess of Karnalle... the supposed strongest Mage in the realm... the daughter of a virtuous, powerful Shield Maiden, one of the rarest classes... all that coupled with that one talk we had where you told me I could have whoever else I wanted and that I should focus on quantity instead of quality? My balls are fucking hero factories, aren’t they?”

“......................”

My head meets my palm and I just fucking sigh.

“Is it too late? Can you not just pick someone else and do the whole magic sword Hero of Light bullshit from scratch?”

Luxy finally brings herself able to look at me again and she groans. “No. I’m getting so active in your life again because things are fucking bad! Even if you settled it with the Demon Lord in your generation, things are kinda fucked already... and... loooot of foreign Gods from other realms have been trying to get me take you more seriously for a lot of years now.”

I tilt my head in confusion. “What would the Gods of other realms of care about what happened to Karnalle? We get a Hero-Demon Lord situation every few hundred years or so... which I assume is just your standard way of solving an argument with your sister.”

The Goddess of Light then gives me the most concerning answer she possibly could have. “Ahahaha wellllll... let’s... um... let’s just say the stakes are a little bit bigger than a hundred years of darkness for Karnalle if you lose.”

“Ahahaha wellllll MY ASS-” Despite my beer’s best attempts it’s not enough to quell my growing rage and I once more slam my fists into the table. “WHAT HAPPENS IF I LOSE?!”

Luxy coughs and whispers awkwardly, “Well um, we made the bet 33 years ago so... my memories not the BEST buuuut...” She changes her tune as soon as she sees the way I’m glaring at her. “HYA! OK, OK! IT WAS TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS FOR ALL OF THE REALMS!!”

Ten thousand years of darkness for all of the realms.

Ten thousand.

Years of darkness.

For all of the realms.

“What an amazing time to try new ideas, my dear Goddess. I’m very happy you felt the need to place all these hopes on a middle aged, pencil pushing Guild Master with a magic dick instead of going the traditional route. I mean, let’s face it. Your standard Hero’s journey IS very cliched. You’re right.”

She looks at me with incredible skepticism.

“Y... You’re not mad at me...?”

“Luxy, do you happen to know why the magic sword and the Hero tripe is a cliche?” I ask while taking the ambrosia off of the table and setting it and my beer to the ground.

“Um... no?”

“IT’S CLICHE BECAUSE IT FUCKING WORKS YOU BRAINLESS, BRATTY BITCH!!” I stand up and flip the entire fucking table over, watching as it breaks apart into magnificent particles of light after colliding into the railing. “YOU GIVE A HERO A SWORD AND HE DEFEATS EVIL WITH IT! HE JOURNEYS FROM HIS HOME AFTER A MAGICAL CALL-TO-ACTION, FINDS A GIRL, LEARNS FROM A MYSTERIOUS MENTOR WHO LATER DIES AND GIVES HIM THE LAST PUSH HE NEEDS TO DEFEAT THE DEMON LORD!! YOU DON’T JUST TAP A WASHED UP ALCOHOLIC ON THE SHOULDER AND TELL HIM TO START FUCKING LOTS OF BITCHES OR ELSE THERE’LL BE TEN FUCKING THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS OF FUCKING DARKNESS FOR FUCKING EVERY FUCK FUCK FUCKING REALM IN MOTHERFUCKING EXISTENCE!”

Luxy runs away in terror, shrieking as I unbuckle my belt and whip out my dick. “OH WAIT, NEVERMIND! I FOUND MY MAGIC FUCKING SWORD! THE REALMS ARE SAVED. GREAT. FUCKING. CALL!!”

“P-PUT THAT THINGY AWAY YOU MONGREL, I WAS FEELING LAZY AND YOU STARTED TOO LATE, ALRIGHT?! I SET SHIT UP SO THAT YOU’D STILL WIN EVEN IF YOU COULDN’T BEAT HIM WITH THE GUILD!! I THOUGHT YOU’D LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY AT EIGHT OR SOMETHING, LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN! IF YOU DID YOU’D BE A LOT MORE EVENLY MATCHED BY NOW!!”

“THAT’S NOT FUCKING NORMAL YOU OUT OF TOUCH PISS-BABY! THAT’S SO FUCKING OUT OF TOUCH THAT IT’S NO WONDER YOU’RE OUT OF PRACTICE WITH YOUR MIRACLES, HOW OFTEN DO YOU EVEN CHECK IN ON HUMANS THAT AREN’T ME?!”

“I-I HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!”

“BULLSHIT!”

“OK, LOOK. L-Listen... I’m not very attentive to the going ons of mortals these days, sure. But it’s not like I TOTALLY stopped. Every couple of decades one of those Lundreames rise to power and they fuck up Karnalle so bad that I have to use ALL my power just to make everything better again. ESPECIALLY when your kings decide to leave the comfort of your little flat earth and take up void ships to cross the black and spread their tyrannical bullshit to other realms. Fuck, dude. Do you have ANY idea how hard I had to grovel to the Gods of Merryburrow after that one king with the foot fetish?!”

“The very same Lundreames that you yourself created to protect and lead the people of Karnalle?”

“Look, nobody’s perfect-”

“YOU’RE A GODDESS!”

Lux Ultima meekly cowers before me and says, “OK! Ok. I-I get it... please just... put your pants on... I think we got the worst of it out of the way... everything else you could possibly ask me from here will PROBABLY have a more positive answer.”

“Ok, then here’s my next question. Do you believe I have any chance at defeating the Demon Lord anymore, or are you just suddenly supporting me because all those other Gods got pulled into your shitty little bet?”

“T... That’s...”

“I figured.”

I’m seething. I can hardly breathe from how fucking angry I am. I didn’t ask for this, I hate it, and now I don’t have any other choice.

Although the table is gone my chair and my drink remains, so I sit and sigh after a long, deep breath. My beer calms my nerves enough to think a bit more rationally and I gather my thoughts before speaking. The Goddess is content to give me all the time I need, thankfully.

“Let’s get one thing straight before I ask you anything else, Luxy.”

“Um... Ok?”

“You’re going to win your fucking bet, make no mistake.”

She stares at me slack jawed, unable to comprehend my words even as I say it in no uncertain terms.

“And you’re going to win it in MY generation. You don’t need a plan B, I’m not ready to pump a shitload of baby heroes into my girls. It may be a little late but I’m experiencing the springtime of my youth and as of yet have no desire to become a father. So that gives me no choice but to do it.”

“T-To do what...?” Luxy brings herself to ask.

“To show an out of touch, piss-covered Goddess not to underestimate humans like me.”

Her eyes sparkle and her cheeks blush, shaking her head in disbelief. “T-There’s no way... it’s WAY too late...!!”

“Based on how strong the Demon Lord is right now, how long until he conquers all the realms?”

“You know I can’t answer that...”

“Within fifteen years?”

“...”

“Within ten?”

“...”

“Five?”

“N-no, that’s... um...”

“Got it. That should be more than enough time if I set my mind to it.”

She laughs and stands back up, moving towards her chair. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. Now sit your ass down, I have a very important question. One that I should have asked a long, long time ago and maybe sought the answers for myself... but if I did, it’d have felt like I was chasing my destiny so I avoided it. Shocker.”

“Stop fucking around and just get to it already! You don’t need to explain the entire mental process behind every question you ask!” She says while sitting down.

“Very well. Being born in a guild, my ‘magic sword’... those? Those I can understand how they fit into your grand plan. But...”

Luxy opens her eyes wide and smiles brightly, almost like I just figured something out that she’s been waiting for for a very long time. “But?”

“How do my eyes factor into the grand plan? I fail to see how seeing very good and picking up minute details will help me take down the Demon Lord. As imcompetent as you are, there has to be a reason you chose to give me this specific blessing.”

The Goddess smirks and leans in. “...Maybe there’s hope for you yet. Have you ever played one of those Dwarven games with the weird dice and the spread sheets? Seems like your kinda thing.”

“No, don’t pretend like you don’t know that I never had any friends.”

“Oof. Well, yeah. Let’s just say that your blessing is only at level one, kid... and you’re pretty close to getting some cool new shit. You’ll be on your knees worshipping me after that, it’s EXACTLY what you’ve been praying for. Now give me some more fucking ambrosia, we need to hurry this shit along.”