Apologies everyone. And an explanation. (Patreon)

Hello everyone,

Before I get onto my main topic, first I wish to apologise for my distressing behaviour in the past week. A status update, a journal and a Patreon news post - all with the same message was clearly worrying - a sign of distress, or a desperate plea, I'm not sure. I can't really explain the reason in a single sentence, so allow me to tell more here

What happened a few days ago, I was dealing with some correspondence, and one brought up some very reasonable concerns about my lacking in responding, on time, or even at all. As I tried to handle this reasonably, about two thirds of the way throughout writing the note, I... cracked.

For well over the past year - or years, really, since I dedicated myself to MostlyFunStuff Arts as a business, I thought back of how... neglectful I had been the entire time, socially, to put a point on it. I wasn't in contact with friends as much as I used to - in fact, there are some I still haven't seen in more than a year. A note or email would come by now and then, just asking how I was doing. Foolishly, I would put it off, seeing how simple it was to just reply - but as my bad habit of getting distracted or procrastinating happened again, I... didn't.

I didn't even reason with myself or my friends - I've thought back to those I've know for... well over six or more years, and my clearly neglectful social behaviour over the past year or two. After several months of keeping distracted through my work (I can't even remember how many paid works I've done lately), hindsight kicked in. I thought of how awful a person I was, spending most of the time working by myself, keeping limited contact with those I care for.

It's something that has happened multiple times in my life; where I enter a new circle of friends and then I just... vanish, when all is said and done. Thinking back, I feel I sabotaged myself and left, due to one single thought, the very one that I posted in those updates a few days ago.

"I'm not worth your time. I'm a failure."

The failure can be in multiple ways, and not just socially, as described above. If you have followed me closely, you may be aware of my increased efforts to support my family... at least the family I have left after my Dad died 4 years ago. Just recently, I did what I could to help my brother in a recent emergency, and while he (and my mother) are grateful for whatever effort I did, I still feel I failed. Very counter-intuitive, I know.

I think back to the promises I made, the things that actually came of it, the stories I sorta tried to weave through individual drawings. And you can see I fell short in some ways, as I repeatedly apologise in journal (or status) after journal, promising I would do better. In my current state of mind, I don't even know I am doing better. Depression really clouds my judgement in that sense.

I think back to how my business is going. And how horribly counter-productive I learned that being candid like this can be; it feels ridiculous, doesn't it? To pour out your thoughts and emotions like this is bad for business. It makes me furious, and it creates an environment of coldness and cruelty. I feel I don't have a space to speak to others about this - again, because I have not connected to my friends, see above, again. Heck, even now I write this particular part with a sense of dread. There's always one ass-cave out there...

Even as I work and talk throughout the nights (mainly because I feel comfortable working in a quiet night), it never feels like it's enough, at least for me.

The sense of failure, impending or constant, permeated through me in that one single moment as I started falling into that self-loathing spiral. I failed you as a creator (on dA and Patreon), I failed socially as a friend, I failed as a son. I failed as a functioning adult. Heck, I feel I'm failing now to convince all of you - given the... artificial sense of manufactured emotion (of which I am guilty of, you saw how most of my posts were a confident, if slightly insecure facade... until I crack, which you saw earlier). Erm, what I mean is, I keep getting the sense you would think I'm faking this. As much as my fans and friends keep telling me otherwise, that thought still stands. All because of my... very highly negative attitude, but that's a whole other can of worms.

That's... all I can think of today, but for now, I just wanted to let you all know, I'm doing relatively fine, and have been taking measures to help myself in the past days (more rest, steering away from less important stresses, and so on). I mean, shoot, I've been neglectful of my own health lately, so there's one other factor.

Thanks to all of you for reaching out in the past days, I know I haven't answered them all, but please be assured I've seen them.

I cannot make any promises, but if I do get back to my work as I tend to do, maybe something will inspire me, I dunno. Please be well everyone. And I'll see you next time.

~MFS