Update (Patreon)

Hey guys, was planning to do the yard work today, but it rained, so after doing my other chores I decided to shed some light on the goings on. Things haven't really been going my way since July and while I'm not drowning it's been a struggle to try and stay afloat. I had to take some breaks, and thanks to some passes from patrons things were looking better, but my plans for august haven't even been able to be put into effect because of a lot of irl stuff going on

I'll only focus on this week since this has been the worst week i've had this year, my family wrecked my wensday, not even counting the stuff i've had to do days before and the previous week for them they added another day for me to "help" them, which basically means I'm doing everything for them and my writing is constantly being interupted. We had another fight and arguement that went on for way longer and only stopped because THEY were having a headache, and yet the emotiional hits i took are meaningless to them. Physically and emotionally i was wrecked feeling dead inside, I was spiraling pretty hard, broke my diet to eat my feelings, i know its not healthy but my mind was going to some way worse places so I did what I had to do to try and cope. Took two days to truly recover from that got a patreon reward done yesterday and had another fight with my family again today. Not even four days and despite me being open and honest with them it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. 

There promises of supporting me, understanding me, "they get it" seem more and more empty. I told them honestly I was having thoughts of self harm and their response was well you shouldn't think that way, like it was something I could control in the moment. Logically I'm aware its not good to think that way and it would be bad to hurt myself or worse, thankfully I do have medicine that helps the logic win out. It would just be nice to talk to my family and explain to them how I'm feeling without being insulted, ignored, or forgotten. Anyway I made it through a really bad day without any cuts or bruises so it is what it is. 

Sadly as I've been struggling lately it was pointed out to me that from my writing someone suggested I wasn't at 100% and while it was true it was very concerning it could be felt in my writing and over the last two weeks i've been finding really old mistakes. I'm not doing better the struggle is having an effect on my writing. I'm even making author mistakes of getting stuck on a story i'm not feeling the flow and end up wasting time trying to fight through it. There have been moments of even planning to work on a specific story causes a serious freeze for me, and i don't think i'd be doing this bad without the irl drama going on.  

I'm not gonna ask for any breaks I feel many of you are saints for last time, I believe things can turn around and I can pull forward and find some stable ground.