I never did want kids. (Patreon)

I never did want kids.

The big ol' wedding & the white picket fence. The atomic family we're taught to idolize.

It's just never something I dreamt of when I was young. I was too preoccupied trying to get through each day, fighting a continuous battle against myself. If only someone had told me things get better, then maybe my views would be different.

What they did tell me, though, is that you'll want kids, eventually. I kept that in the back of my mind, and I waited... And waited... And waited. I've been waiting 29 years, and nothing has changed.

Sometimes I entertain the thought... Could I bring a child into this world? And then, just as quickly as this train of thought formulated, I'm overwhelmed with the idea of this human going through the same mental health struggles I did as a child. Waking up each day feeling as though they had been punched in the chest, riddled with fear and sick with anxiety.

Of course, I would want things to be different, but they say you take on the traits of your parents, right? The ignorance of my mother, the distance of my father. I just couldn't.

A mothers love is like no other, they say. You're robbing yourself of joy. Don't worry, you'll want kids one day.

I've been called selfish. I've been called immature. I've been called heartless. All because I choose not to have my own children. All because I choose not to pass generations' worth of severe mental health issues and trauma down my bloodline.

It's a joy I choose to never know.

My friends are beginning to have children around me, and I'm going to love the hell out of those little nuggets, but my own? I just don't see it in my future. And what the hell is wrong with that?