Perfect Dark Zero (Patreon)

Remember last month when i played Perfect Dark? Yeah, that was awesome. Well here's the somewhat inferior sequel that came out on the X-Box 360. I think as a launch title. Wait let me look it up. Yes, i was correct, as is to be expected. My mind is a steel trap and i never forget what games came out when. Of all my superpowers, that's certainly one of them. 

There are many mysteries in the world, and at least 2 of them have to do with this game. They are: Why did Rare go to the 360, and why did they decide this one should start out with me crawling through vents as a weird battle-bot roomba? The first mystery probably has an answer somewhere but the second is surely an example of pure chaos with no rhyme or reason to be found. 

My memories of 2006 are telling me this game isn't actually bad. I had a lot of fun with my friends on the multiplayer back in the day. But the campaign seems not great, and the whole premise confuses me. 

For some reason they decided it should be a prequel. I don't know why. Maybe Joanna flies off to Poochy planet at the end of the first one, i never beat it. But they could have come up with something better than a prequel. Joanna isn't even that old in the first game, she's like in her early 20s. How do you go back any further and still have her as some kind of badass super spy. Surely that takes years of training.

Also, since i'm poking holes in it. Why is she dressed so early 2000s here? The whole series takes place in the future I thought. She just looks like any college chick at the time they made it. But talk about a nitpick, who gives a fuck. I miss 2000s college chick fashion, i say it's due for a comeback. Maybe this game was more prescient than i'm giving it credit for. 

If chicks start dressing like this again, Perfect Dark Zero called it. Maybe on those grounds it deserves a reevaluation like how everyone's been realizing lately the N64 Castlevanias were actually good, after being lied to by AVGN years ago. 

Ugh god who cares. Who cares about anything. Life is a meaningless shit show and a Godless farce. Oh crap i suddenly feel a wave of despair coming on. Oh the malaise, the terrible malaise. I'm sinking into myself. I'm being consumed by ennui and turning into a french philosopher with a long cigarette. My shirt is turning stripey and i'm surrounded by women with sexy haircuts. Oh wait, i guess that's not so bad.

Oh crap the malaise is leaving. No, i'm turning unfrench again. Wait, let me go back. Put the stripes back on my shirt and let me love make with the sexy haircut girls. God is real and he's forsaking me again. Anything but that. Damn you, stupid God. Don't send me back to my shitty modern american life. Noooooooo! 

Oh crap what the fuck just happened? Ah who gives a shit, here's Perfect Dark Zero.