Firewatch Part 3: Boomer Simulator (Patreon)

Firewatch my butt. They should have been honest and just called it Boomer Simulator. But it got off easy by coming out in 2013 just a bit before people dunking on boomers all the time. Sweet merciful Mary in heaven i can't stand the boring, bumbling, bitch-ass boomer buttlord you play as in this pile. 

This chud's never-ending stream of cloud-yelling is worse than a hundred baby marios crying at once and i'm not kidding when i say it never stops. At points it's difficult to even do my own job of complaining because i can't get a word in between grandpa here complaining to his walkie talkie, while the chick you never see on the other end just takes it with the exasperated patience of a meek librarian.

I don't know how she doesn't just snap at any point in this game and tell the sad wet sock of a man on the other end to shut the fuck up because i had to scream it more than once to no avail. 

Let me just say having my only companion be a woman who i never get to see offends me on some deep level. She could have great tits and a sweet ass and I'd never know. Truly shameful. 

A better version of this game would be a dating sim where i stay in my tower and try to seduce her with my dialogue options over the radio before heading over to her tower at the end and having a Hunie Pop hump-fest. But that would never happen because the grumbling oldhead you play as in this game couldn't charm his way out of a wet paper bag. 

There's barely even any firewatching in this game. All you do is wander around aimlessly picking up beer cans and getting called an asshole by teenagers. In any other game that would be annoying but the main character here is so trash i'm actually on the teenagers side. He is an asshole, and he sucks, and i don't like him. 

This game is basically just Visage in the day time, with a protagonist even worse than the guy in Soma. It's scarier than both those games put together though, because the dreadful thought that we're all just one dementia-wife away from becoming the most boring man in the world is true horror.