Resident Evil 7 - Blind Pierre Kicks My Ass (Patreon)

Oh my God end this fucking month for the love of Satan. I feel like that Green Day song about how much September fucking sucks, because September fucking sucked. I'm ready for spookies so let's just get to it. I declare it October now. Here's the continuation of a let's play series i started maybe a year ago or something, who knows. The point is it's Resident Evil and that's a spooky scary thing so i can finally post it. 

This one has some good goofs, some clever japes, a few well-timed quips, and at least 2 of my classic 4 references, Muppet Treasure Island and Crazy Taxi. 

This game has it's charms, the graphics are good and the hillbillies are scary i guess, if you're a city-slicker who ain't never seen any American trailer park before. To me it just looks like a regular thanksgiving. 

Despite these superficial "updates" to the formula however, i must say this simply ain't my cup o'tea. I got too bored and/or pissed off to continue right around the time it made me run back and forth past a ministry of silly-walking Gak-toids for an hour in a damp ugly basement that i suppose might also be scary had it not been literally my actual life for a good hundred years or so. I used to see scarier mold monsters in the furnace room daily and i even caught them playing my Sega on a few occasions. It's hard to get invested in a horror game that amounts to a less scary version of your actual life, but for me that's most horror games.

I'm an old, tired man. I have no place in this this modern world. I miss when Resident Evil games were... not this. Whatever the hell this is. Call me old-fashioned but Resident Evil needs to be first-person like Silent Hill needs to be a Pachinko machine. 

By the time i beat this game, if indeed i ever care to, Resident Evil 9 will be out and that's fine by me, hopefully by then tank controls and wallpaper backgrounds will be retro enough to make a comeback. Or they'll just keep remaking the old ones every few years. Fine. Anything but another one of these first-person hide-in-the-corner Amnesia knockoffs. If i was in a room with Hitler and the guy who invented these kind of games, and i had a gun with two bullets, i would shoot the guy who made these kind of games twice. 

Anyways, none of that matters, because this part is still early enough in the game that i was giving it a chance and not hating it. You can tell because i'm still laughing at my own jokes, and not yet yelling at my own swears. Trust me, that'll change quick once it sends me down to the butt-butter basement to get hugged by sloppy-slimes. 

One more thing, where the hell's the zombies? These guys are just... people. Resident Evil? More like... Resident People. Thank you. I'll see myself out.