Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: Taking In a Flustered, Troubled Tomboy (Patreon)

Me: I’m gonna write the slime girl!

Brain: May I interest you in a new 2000 word script instead?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS???

Well, anyway. No preamble for the script this time! You’ll see why! Beware if you'd rather listen to this when it goes live, for here thar be spoilers! Yarr.

ETA: new thumbnail, because I'm fickle

Taking In a Flustered, Troubled Tomboy!

Setting: Interior, a convenience store, night

[Electronic door bell; the Speaker enters]

Um. Hey. Sorry to bust in on you like this. I know you’re about to close. But, um. Do you mind if I lay low in here for a few minutes? This weird guy is following me.

…

Thanks. I really appreciate it. I really don't want to inconvenience you, so I'll stay out of your way. Just, hang out behind the tallest shelf you've got until I'm sure I've lost him. (sigh) He’s been dogging me for blocks; you’d think he was my loyal pet or something.

(Awkward laughter) Yeah, I guess it is pretty funny; trying not to inconvenience the convenience store clerk. I'm so sorry about this, I just needed to duck in somewhere safe to catch my breath. I don't think he knows I'm here. I hope.

...

Oh! No, you don't have to call the cops. Ugh, I feel so stupid. I mean what’re they gonna do, send a squad car 'cause some girl is freaked out about the creepy dude who followed her two miles on foot? Yeah, right. Your tax dollars at work!

[The bell on the convenience store door jingles; a man sticks his head in]

(she inhales sharply in fear)

THE GUY: Hey, you see a pretty girl come this way? Tight jeans. Blonde. Real like, mesmerizing green eyes. About so high?

(Listener replies no)

(skeptical) You sure?

(cajoling) C'mon, man. There's fifty bucks in it for you if you saw her.

No? (sigh) Alright.

(beat)

Hey, I know you’re about to close and everything but since I’m here: you got any gummy worms? You know, those sour ones?

…

Damn.

Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair. Thanks anyway, man. Have a good night.

[The Guy exits; Bell on the front door jingles]

[Clerk locks the door]

(She exhales)

Oh my gosh, thank you. Just, thank you. For that, for lying about the gummy worms, for locking the door, for everything. Ugh. I feel sick.

Do you mind if I sit on your floor for a second? I'm not feeling so hot. The adrenaline dump, you know.

[THUD, she faints]

[TIME SKIP]

[Interior, convenience store back room]

(She groggily begins to wake up)

Oh damn it, did I seriously faint in a Stop ‘n Save?

[Fabric shift]

Ugh, and you had to carry me to the back room. Dude, really?

This is the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Well, okay, it makes the top ten. I am so, so sorry. This is NOT what you needed at closing time! I'll leave.

(She gets dizzy)

I'll...leave as soon as the room stops spinning. Pinky promise.

...

Um. Yeah, it is a little more than the adrenaline dump. I...kinda didn't eat today? Or yesterday? And I might be a little anemic? Just a tad. Y’know, it’s the end of the month, money’s getting tight, living paycheck to paycheck. You get it, right?

[Liquid pouring]

Oh. Coffee? Thank you. Oh, man; it smells so good. And it's the last of the pot at the end of the day! That's my favorite part. I know I’m weird, it kinda tastes like an ashtray after being on the burner all day. But it’s so much more...flavorful. I love to drain something until it's nothing but dregs; the dregs are the best part! Coffee, tea, whatever.

...

Yeah, I work graveyard too. I have had many a pot of end-of-day coffee. I’m a waitress at the all-night diner over on Clark street. Y’know, the big red one with the neon? Hence being out at this hour. My car quit on me this week, so I've been hoofing it. I had a ride, or rather, I was supposed to have a ride. But it didn't show.

…

Rideshare? Yeah, right. On my wages? Couple bucks an hour plus tips? C'mon. What am I, a Rockefeller? Nah, I'll take my chances on the streets. At least if I get murdered, I won't have to worry about rent. Not so if I start taking Ubers all willy-nilly.

So, um. How--um--how long was I out?

...

An hour?! Are you serious? I mean--well, I guess that’s better than keeping you stuck here until daybreak or something. But. Ow… Did I hit my head?

…

I landed on a crate of chips? Wait, this thing? I crashed into a wooden crate of chips? Cheese and crackers, I’m lucky I didn’t impale myself or something.

You really should have just tossed me out into the back into the alley with the rest of the trash! I didn't want to keep you after hours. I just wanted to pop in until I could lose Igor back there.

...

No. No! I can't let you offer to take me home. I've been too much of a bother as it is. You don't even know me! It's okay. Unless he's been out there waiting to see if I come out, I'm sure he's gone by now. I'll make it home safe.

...

No, oh, come on--don't insist. I’m broke, dude, I can't even pay you for gas!

...

Dinner? I can repay you by letting you feed me? What is this, a romcom? I mean, I guess it’s better than a horror movie. But... (sigh) Okay. Okay, I'll let you take me home. If you’re going my way anyway.

Um--I know this is kind of an odd request, but...do you mind if I lie down in the backseat on the way? I'm really beat.

...

Oh, man. Thanks. You're a real treat.

[TIME SKIP]

[Exterior, city, night; the Listener’s car pulls up to her apartment building]

Welp, this is me. Uh, my apartment building, I mean.

...

Oh? You live down the street? Really? Wow. Small world, huh?

No, you don't have to walk me to the door. It's very chivalrous of you, but it's not necessary, I promise. I can make it ten feet.

...

(sigh) Okay, fine. But don't expect a goodnight kiss at my doorstep. I'm not that kind of girl.

[She walks to the building and punches in her door security code; multiple failures]

What--

(sigh)

No.

No, no, no! (upset) Come on. I was supposed to have until Thursday!

(She thumps her head against the door, defeated)

My landlady changed the door code. I'm--I'm gonna scream.

(Slightly embarassed) I—I'm a little behind on rent. A whole daybehind on rent. But I’m supposed to have a five day grace period! Fuck. (Another thump!) Fuck. I’m never gonna find another place like this one! Man!

Ugh, if my car wasn't in the shop, I could sleep there. Perfect. Typical. Great. One thing after another. When it rains it pours, right?

[Thunder in the distance]

You have GOT to be kidding me!

Welp, there goes my plan to wedge myself into the doorway and sleep here tonight. Beg my landlady’s forgiveness in the morning. Not that it’d work; my place is rent controlled. She’s basically wanted me out for like, a hundred years. Damn it.

…

Huh? What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'm kind of having an existential crisis. Or...maybe a nervous breakdown? Just a little one? What did you say?

...

Come with you? Are you for real? But—look, I mean, don't get me wrong, it's nice to hear that you live alone with a spare room, especially in this economy, but you can't just take weird girls home! What if I'm an axe murderer or...or something worse?

...

(giggle) Yeah, okay, you're right. Not much room to hide an axe in this outfit.

(Relenting) Oh. Alright, I guess if you're hellbent on being my knight in shining armor, I have to play along. I am a damsel in distress, much to my ~delight~. But I'll pay you back--with interest! You will definitely get what you deserve for being so nice to me. I promise.

…

Oh no, don't worry, I don’t care about the accommodations. Anything will be fine. I am definitely not too good to sleep on a couch or a floor or in a box. Anything you’ve got, I’ll take it. Second my head hits the pillow, I’m out cold until tomorrow night.

...

Really? We can walk to your place? Are you sure it’s fine to leave your car here? Okay. Sure, I guess another couple blocks won't hurt. (yawn) You do intend to get me there by dawn, right? This Swing Shift Cinderella turns into a pumpkin at sunrise.

Thank you for this, again, I really appreciate it.

[Time Skip]

[Interior; Listener’s apartment building]

(Impressed) Wow, your building is so much nicer than mine. You've actually got art on the walls! My building--well, my ex-building, I guess?--has all these mirrored panels in the hallways. I don't know why, maybe they got a bulk discount? Mirrors are cheaper than art or wallpaper...or something? Whatever. Anyway, so when I'm coming home at night, and I'm like, exhausted out of my mind, all I can see are endless empty hallways reflected in on themselves. It's freaky.

[Elevator Ding]

Oh, hey, the elevator even works! Nice.

[Elevator moving up]

Hm? Dinner? You're already thinking about dinner? Well, so am I honestly. Granted, I'm kinda starving.

I promise not to raid your fridge, by the way. I can get by on a little something to drink or whatever. I’d say I eat like a bird, but I once read they eat like twice their body weight every day. I think I eat more like, um, I dunno. A bed bug, maybe? Very little at a time? Y’know, I’m mostly snacky.

...

Where would I like to go? Uhh. Um. I dunno. Whatever’s cheapest. I don’t want you to break the bank on my account!

...

(Trying to let Listener down easy) Oh, I don't really like Italian. I know it's like, sacrilegious, but I don't really like the flavors. Tomato, olive oil, garlic. Just not my scene, you know.

Um. I like Asian food? I'm not picky, either. Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indian?

…

Oh yeah! Sushi sound great! I know some people think it's weird to eat something raw, but...I'm into it! What's your favorite kind? Do you like sashimi or rolls better?

...

Ha, I like that too! My favorite is eel, though. I know, I know, they're kind of endangered, the population isn’t really replenishing the way they’re supposed to, and I shouldn't. But they're soooo good. And I have zero willpower. And besides, it's not like I indulge often. Can't afford to.

[Elevator ding; doors open]

Sixth floor, stationary, leather goods, knights in shining armor who work at convenience stores... (giggle)

[Walking down the hallway; they stop in front of listener's doorway; listener starts putting their key in the lock]

Hey, um. I know, I've been kind of trying to play this off and not meltdown because my night has been going to shit and everything...but..

Are you really sure this is okay? For a total stranger like me to come into your place and like, be here and...everything?

…

Really?

Aw. You're...you're just so nice. I fainted in your store, and I napped in your car, and had a tiny nervous breakdown outside my apartment building, which is a huge, huge red flag. Like, I am nothing but red flags! I’m exactly the kind of girl your mother warned you about.

I mean, I've been nothing but trouble and now you're inviting me into your home? You really are too sweet.

(flirty, shy) I, um, I can't wait for that dinner. And...not just ‘cause I’m hungry.

[Door opens; footsteps; door closes]

(Sigh, surveying the room)

Ah. Nice place. Not too big, not too small. Comfortable.

[Another door opens]

Oh! Is this—my room? I guess? For the night? Wow. It’s really nice. There’s a bed and everything! I promise, you could really just stick me in a drawer and I’d be fine. I wouldn’t notice. I sleep like the dead, anyway.

Um...you wanna sit and chat, a minute? Before I turn in?

...

No, no, we can both sit on the bed. It won’t be awkward. I mean, you already carried my carcass across a convenience store tonight, right? I think we can both handle sitting side by side on a bed.

[Door closes]

(flatly) Oh. You have a mirror on the back of the door. Well. What a shame. That puts a slight damper on the evening, doesn't it? Here I hoped I'd get to take my time. Ease you into things.

[Fangs extending SFX]

Oh, you’re quick on the uptake. Eventually.

Yeah, yeah, lack of reflection, sprouting fangs. Comes with the whole vampire package. Kind of you to notice. And, ah, to invite me in. Very considerate.

Damsel in distress; gets ‘em every time! Honestly, I thought I was laying it on a little thick. I was almost rooting for you to figure it out. I mean, I dropped enough hints. You should have tripped over at least one or two. I’ll have to reward Renfield with some gummy worms. His acting was (chef’s kiss) perfection.

[Footsteps as she approaches the listener]

Oh, now don’t be like that. Come on, I told you you’d get what you deserve for bringing a girl like me home. No take backs, my knight in shining armor. Besides, you did promise me dinner...

[Vampire-y noises; thud]