ROGUES | S01E20: Call and Response (Patreon)

ROGUES | S01E20 : Call and Response

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Edward, your subordinates are here.]

EDWARD: (click) [Don’t get up; they can knock.]

OPHELIA: [Will you be nice?]

EDWARD: [Not today.]

OPHELIA: [Then I wish them good luck.]

EDWARD: [Are they coming?]

OPHELIA: [Yes. And they look confused.]

EDWARD: (to himself) Good.

(pause; knocking)

EDWARD: (clears his throat) Come in.

(door opens)

ECHO: What was the French girl saying?

EDWARD: None of your business. Close the door and take a seat.

(door closing)

ECHO: (giggle) Ooh, Boss Man not happy.

QUERY: (aside) Mm, that face is trouble.

(pause)

ECHO: How’s your trip?

EDWARD: Concluded. (pause) I’d like to tell you two a little story.

BOTH: (wary) What is it?

EDWARD: Stop me if you’ve heard this one. It’s called, “Rich, Powerful Man Pulled Over by Rural Flatfoot in Bumfuck, Nowhere.” Ring any bells?

BOTH: Uhh…

EDWARD: How about, “Why the Hell Are My Tags Expired?” Based on a true story.

ECHO: (small) Ah.

EDWARD: Or, my personal favourite: “The Fuck Do I Pay You For?”

ECHO: I forgot to renew the tags. I meant to, but, but then I -

EDWARD: How delightful for you that your well-salaried job is anything less than foremost in your mind. You’ll have to forgive me for being so selfish as to put myself first.

ECHO: That’s not what I…

EDWARD: Since you find taking care of my personal affairs so trivial -

ECHO: I swear, I just -

EDWARD: Interrupt me again, and we’re done. Got it?

ECHO: … Got it.

EDWARD: Good.

ECHO: I can do it right now -

EDWARD: I had Ophelia do it.

ECHO: Who?

EDWARD: The French girl. Thus rendering you obsolete.

ECHO: (gulp)

QUERY: Question, boss.

EDWARD: Yes. What.

QUERY: If she’s the one who fucked up, then why am I here?

ECHO: Gee, thanks a lot.

EDWARD: You: shut up. You: wait your turn.

QUERY: (soft) Aw, fuck.

EDWARD: You two - have become entirely too comfortable. Seems to me like we need a little refresher course on who the boss is, here. What, because I don’t have you endanger your lives every week, suddenly we’re friends? Suddenly you think you can walk all over me and I would let you? How’d it go - “oh, Boss Man won’t mind that I didn’t renew the tags. He’s too far up his own ass to notice, so I can waste his money and do what I want.”

ECHO: That’s not -

QUERY: (hiss) Shut up.

EDWARD: You are my employees. We are not friends. I put up with you two because you’ve always done what I told you. God knows I pay you well enough to do it. It started with you allowing Karlo free reign of my home without question, who then lay waste to it. I could have let that one pass, because apparently everyone was dumb enough to believe that Karlo was me despite the fact that he has the mental acuity of a lobotomised turkey. But this? This is something else. Edward Nygma does not get pulled over by a state trooper for a goddamn moving violation. That’s supposed to be my final blaze of glory? I say nay nay. I should not have to consider the ways I can get away with murder because I have a fugitive riding shotgun.

ECHO: How is Dr. Crane?

QUERY: (under her breath) Oh my God…

EDWARD: He’s not hiring, if that’s what you mean. Which brings me to my next point. You need to decide if it’s me you want to serve, or if you’d rather take your chances on the job market. (manipulative) Ultimately, what happens next is based entirely on your selection.

ECHO: I swear, I’m still 100% loyal to you.

QUERY: Same. No question.

EDWARD: The bottom line is: I pay for the best, and I expect the best. If you cannot perform, then you are useless to me. Your worth is the approximate cost of a want ad in the Gazette seeking your replacement. I will suffer no dead weight. So do you have a world-class explanation for your egregious oversight, Nina?

ECHO: … No. I f-forgot.

EDWARD: You figured you’d throw a wrench in my affairs. Maybe teach me a lesson? Or is it because you devote all your time twiddling at those little video games of yours, and I simply cannot compete.

ECHO: I -

EDWARD: Yes, that must be it, because you sure as hell didn’t ensure that you fulfilled your explicit, ongoing instructions. Yes?

ECHO: I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.

QUERY: (to ECHO) Why couldn’t you just do what you’re supposed to?

EDWARD: You realise you cannot go unpunished.

ECHO: Right, boss. Do I take a cut, or -

EDWARD: (chuckles) No, no, no. Nothing so drastic as that. I’m simply going to break your thumbs.

ECHO: What?

EDWARD: What better way to think about what you’ve done to your invaluable, indulgent, stupidly generous employer than to stare at the twisted remains of what once separated you from the animals?

QUERY: (trying for levity) There’s a heck of a reason for a vacation.

ECHO: (small laugh)

EDWARD: This is no vacation. This isn’t your usual fortnight-long stay together in Ibiza, no, no, no, no. Excusing the time it would take to have your bones reset - another indulgence, in my opinion - you’ll still be at my beck and call, as is your occupation.

ECHO: Oh, shit.

EDWARD: And, should you let me down again due to your self-imposed injury, I will impose stiffer penalties for those infractions. Gosh, I hope I’m more diligent than you’ve been. I’d hate to think I’d lapsed on paying your insurance premiums. On the bright side, the six weeks or so that it takes your bones to heal gives you a wealth of time in which to extrapolate how you can serve me better in the future. Right?

ECHO: Yes, boss.

EDWARD: How about you get a head start on that while I see what your colleague has to say for herself.

(pause)

EDWARD: Deidre.

QUERY: Yes, boss?

EDWARD: You tend to box clever, both figuratively and literally.

QUERY: I follow your lead.

EDWARD: Flattery is of no use here. You remember why I called you Query.

QUERY: Asked too many questions.

EDWARD: But not of Karlo; he didn’t know how to use my equipment, didn’t know which one of you was which, and couldn’t answer a simple riddle. Any explanation for your oversight?

QUERY: Learned not to question you.

EDWARD: Cute. You call that honesty, or guile?

QUERY: Honesty.

EDWARD: Do you have something honest to say now? Any lingering thoughts?

QUERY: My thoughts don’t matter.

EDWARD: So, consequently?

QUERY: Only what I do matters.

EDWARD: When do you act?

QUERY: When you say. Without hesitation. (pause) Sir.

EDWARD: I like a fast learner.

QUERY: Thank you, sir.

EDWARD: You will break her thumbs.

QUERY: Yes, sir. (turning) Gimme your hands.

ECHO: Come on, Q…

QUERY: You know he’s right.

EDWARD: Indeed. Actions - or rather, inactions, in this case - have consequences. It would be insulting to be spared a punishment that a man would automatically receive. Yes?

ECHO: Yes, sir. Of course.

EDWARD: I could simply place your hands in the drawers of my desk and slam them shut. That would be quicker; I mean, I am in no way compelled to have you broken by a professional. That Query will do the deed allows you a small mercy that you do not deserve.

(expectant pause)

ECHO: Thank you, sir.

EDWARD: You’re welcome.

ECHO: (exhale) I’m ready.

QUERY: Want something to bite on?

ECHO: No, I don’t need it.

EDWARD: (nodding) Good.

QUERY: Say when, sir.

(buzzer)

EDWARD: Ah ah - be still while I take this. (picks up) [What is it, Ophelia?]

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Edward, Mr. Cobblepot wants to see you.]

EDWARD: [He’s not in a meeting?]

OPHELIA: [Yes. But he says that you’re next.]

EDWARD: [Ah. The emperor orders it?]

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Now, or sooner.]

EDWARD: (annoyed sigh) [Alright. Thank you.]

(pause)

EDWARD: Tyrannus Ex Machina. Hold off.

QUERY: Yes, sir.

EDWARD: It appears that I am needed elsewhere, so you avoid the gallows. Do you know how fortunate you are?

ECHO: Yes, sir.

EDWARD: Get out of my sight, both of you.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

(door closing)

EDWARD: Now what does he want?

ELSEWHERE…

WAYLON is riding in JON’S truck, humming to the radio. It’s raining outside and he approaches a roadblock.

WAYLON: Oh now what’s this…?

OFFICER: Good evening, sir. Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle?

WAYLON: This some kind of DUI checkpoint? Cause I ain’t been drinkin’.

OFFICER: Just a routine inspection. It’s nothing to worry about.

WAYLON: Alright, then I’m gonna need to see a badge.

OFFICER: I’m sorry?

WAYLON: I know how these things work, officer. Let’s see a badge.

OFFICER: Is that how you want to do this, Mr. Jones?

WAYLON: ...now I don’t recall tellin’ you my name.

[gun cock]

OFFICER: Out of the car.

WAYLON: Here we go...

[Waylon exits car]

OFFICER2: On the ground, now!

WAYLON: Hey now, you don’t need to push like that. Hey! Alright, ENOUGH!

[Waylon fights back, but is tazed. He falls.]

WAYLON: Heheh… Y’ain’t gonna find him... in the truck. You’re… way off.

OFFICER2: That’s a negative. What do you want done with this one? ...Understood.

[gun cocking]

OFFICER: Nothing personal.

[the Tarzan yell can be heard]

[a man lands on the roof of Jon’s truck]

???: Gotham’s Shady Underbelly! Are the police on someone else’s payroll? Or is there more to this story than meets the eye? More at 11!

OFFICER: Who the fuck is this guy?

???: BUT FIRST! It’s time to get… JUICY!

OFFICER2: Take him down!

[Our hero smacks two guards out cold]

???: Tonight in Gotham, a group of six police officers were seen attacking a single green man.

[gunshot]

???: Ooh! Make that five officers. Is this racial profiling, or a justified act? Your comment!

OFFICER3: I.. uh..

???: WRONG! [punch] BA-DA-BA-DA-DA-DA! [CHEERS] That’s three down, with one player on timeout from a little friendly fire! It’s two against one in this BATTLE ROYALE ON THE STREETS OF GOTHAM CITY! BUT WHO WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS!?

OFFICER2: Who are you?

???: I’M THE YELLOW FELLOW WITH THE MELLOW BELLOW! HERE TO SAVE MY BELOVED CITY, WHILE LOOKING SSSSSSSSMOLDERING. Is that overdone? I CAN NEVER TELL! [takedown]

OOOOH! ONE LEFT. The pinnacle moment! YOU CAN BREATHE, YOU CAN BLINK, YOU CAN CRY, BUT YOU CAN’T OUTRUN THESE BUNS, HUN! HA HA HA!!!

[knocks the guard down]

OFFICER5: Please! Let me go!

???: Sure thing, spanky! Just… one more question. Earl Grey or Orange Pekoe?

OFFICER5: What?

???: BECAUSE HERE COMES THE TEABAG! [AIRHORN] [crack] Oops. Guess that’s why they call me THE NUTCRACKER. Here’s a band-aid, son. Should stop the oozing.

[Waylon grunts]

???: Oh my dear soul. It’s not easy being green, but HERE! It’s dangerous to go alone, take THIS!

WAYLON: Uh… thank ya?

???: May it bear you to better fortune than its former master! YODEL-AY-HEE-HOOOOOOOO!!! YEAHHA!

WAYLON: Now what the hell did I just see?