ROGUES | S01E21: Cross Words (Patreon)

ROGUES | S01E21: Cross Words
(with special guest Heather Wetherald)

(door opens)

EDWARD: What is it, Oswald? I was - (pauses) you grew a moustache.

OSWALD: Indeed. Thoughts?

EDWARD: Looks good - very Clark Gable of you.

OSWALD: (pleased penguin noises)

EDWARD: What does she think?

OSWALD: It was her idea.

EDWARD: (chuckles) [Naturally.]

OSWALD: You were saying?

EDWARD: Ah. Right. You interrupted me, I was in a meeting.

OSWALD: Yes, so was I - with Dr. Crane. I just got back.

EDWARD: Huh. And?

OSWALD: I made my point abundantly clear. I reiterated how close to the edge the man is - that he is now, effectively, my dog. And he will come when I call.

EDWARD: I assume that this was achieved through… deeds, and not words alone.

OSWALD: I had to bring that overgrown man to my level.

EDWARD: You don’t say.

OSWALD: (chortles) It would require him climbing a damn steep social ladder to get to my level, but we do our best, eh?

EDWARD: …

OSWALD: I see you are unhappy. Do you have something to say?

EDWARD: …

OSWALD: Speechless! I’ll mark the calendar.

(EDWARD recovers)

EDWARD: How - how could you be so abominably stupid?

OSWALD: How dare you?

EDWARD: Crane needs shoring up, not tearing down!

OSWALD: Oh, a little human interaction and I see you are suddenly the expert.

EDWARD: For pity’s sake, are you dense?

OSWALD: Mind your tone, boy.

EDWARD: Give him half a chance and he’ll confess to Waller just to spite you - and he’d laugh all the way to a prison cell! You would risk obliterating all the time, money, and effort put into covering up this whole mess because, what, he wounded your pride?

(loaded pause)

OSWALD: Are you quite finished?

EDWARD: I may have more when I get my breath back.

OSWALD: And this is based on, what, my failing to previously consult you before dealing with one of my subordinates as I saw fit?

EDWARD: Yes. Yes it is.

OSWALD: You happen to be one of my subordinates. Sit.

EDWARD: I’m far too busy; I have things to do -

OSWALD: (interrupting) Sit. Before I have you sat.

EDWARD: Fine. (huffs; sits) What is it?

(pause)

OSWALD: You have the nerve to upbraid me for failing to consult you?

EDWARD: I feel my position is justified.

OSWALD: You have the sheer bloody nerve to do so, while you persist in keeping from me, your boss, the Mayor, the knowledge that Crane’s bloody bird has been alive this entire time!

(pause)

EDWARD: (soft) … How long?

OSWALD: That is the question indeed, Edward. How long?

EDWARD: The day after lockdown.

OSWALD: (hisses) Well, that’s disappointing.

EDWARD: I’m...  sorry.

OSWALD: Feh! Only sorry I found out.

EDWARD: A tiny detail.

OSWALD: Yet significant. How did you find out?

EDWARD: When I went to collect her. The bird wasn’t right.

OSWALD: What do you mean, right? Colour, breed?

EDWARD: Breed. It was a rook, not a crow. With one eye rather inexpertly removed.

OSWALD: The bird has my sympathies.

EDWARD: (dryly) Of course it does.

OSWALD: If it were so obvious, then how could the mistake be made?

EDWARD: For my part, I didn’t get a good enough look in that damnably dark office before Scarecrow tried to kill me.

OSWALD: And Crane?

EDWARD: That’s the part I still don’t quite understand - but my best guess is that Scarecrow wanted him to believe that it was Ichabod, so… swayed matters in favour of it.

OSWALD: So the dog turned against its master. Marvellous. What else?

EDWARD: During the lockdown, Tetch said something about castling.

OSWALD: Huh. A moment of lucidity?

EDWARD: Seemingly so.

OSWALD: So what, you went after him?

EDWARD: Yes. Amongst the usual insane drivel, I ascertained that he had helped Bolton swap birds.

OSWALD: But Crane’s bird was not on the premises?

EDWARD: There was a third party involved. Someone who took her from Tetch.

OSWALD: Who?

EDWARD: I don’t know yet, but now that I’m back, I can find out.

OSWALD: The billion dollar question is: why didn’t you come to me immediately?

EDWARD: You had enough to deal with.

OSWALD: Yes, that’s a small part of the truth. Where’s the rest?

EDWARD: I should have seen it coming. All the signs were there, and I did nothing.

OSWALD: You give yourself too much credit.

EDWARD: I have to fix it. It has to be me.

OSWALD: Must I remind you that I am the Mayor of Gotham City? Not only that, I am Oswald bloody Cobblepot! Do you think my reach so limited? Do you think there is anything I cannot find out?

EDWARD: The puzzle is mine to be solved.

OSWALD: Calm yourself.

EDWARD: (inhale) How long have you known about this?

OSWALD: Victor Sage came to me while you were gone; he happened to mention it, practically in passing. Like I should know what’s going on in my own department - what a strange notion.

EDWARD: Now the indignity of that, I honestly apologise for.

OSWALD: Good.

EDWARD: We understand each other, then?

OSWALD: Yes, but I’m not done with you yet - stay there while I make a call.

EDWARD: (sigh) Fine.

OSWALD: (presses the intercom) Ophelia.

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Yes, Mr. Cobblepot?]

OSWALD: What we spoke of earlier - what news?

OPHELIA: (intercom) [One moment, please.]

OSWALD: Of course.

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Is Mr. Nygma still there?]

EDWARD: (dryly) [I’m still/always here.]

OSWALD: (amused) Oh, that’s a good one.

OPHELIA: (intercom) [When they left, your subordinates were white as a sheet.]

EDWARD: (small laugh) [As it should be.]

OSWALD: All in a day’s work, eh?

EDWARD: Indeed.

OPHELIA: (intercom) [Mr. Cobblepot, pick up the telephone, please.]

OSWALD: (picks up the phone; scribbling) Excellent. Thank you, my dear. (hangs up the phone, folds the paper, places it in an envelope and stamps his seal over it)

OSWALD: Oh yes, there’s something else.

EDWARD: Goody. What more could there possibly be?

OSWALD: Some time before all this Coleridge business, presumably during the night, the camera in Jervis Tetch’s cell was covered with black spray paint.

EDWARD: Right…

OSWALD: Vine burns appeared around his wrists.

EDWARD: Huh.

OSWALD: And when the guards started lights up in the morning, they found him lying in his cell, flat on his back.

EDWARD: Worse for wear?

OSWALD: According to the notes, he was…  naked.

EDWARD: Oh.

OSWALD: Though covered with feathers, aided by a great deal of personal lubricant.

EDWARD: (covering his mouth) Mm.

OSWALD: And singing.

EDWARD: (amused) Any evidence?

OSWALD: Strangely enough, a shock baton was recovered from the scene. Were I a betting man, I would say it belonged to one of the bat’s brats.

EDWARD: (pause) Oh. (pause) Ohh. (snorts)

OSWALD: So one can assume he was tortured, in some fashion. I can’t help but notice that you seem to find this amusing.

EDWARD: What can I say, it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy. Might I ask what he was singing?

OSWALD: Something about a… (pauses, lifts piece of paper) stool pigeon.

EDWARD: Ha cha cha cha. And the cameras missed it?

OSWALD: Apparently so.

EDWARD: (under his breath) At least the official ones. (louder) And Tetch?

OSWALD: Despite bribes, entreaties, and promises of leniency, Tetch isn’t talking.

EDWARD: Sweet mercy. I take it you know who did it?

OSWALD: Any individual with two brain cells to bang together could see it - and with no record and no witnesses, they’ll get away with it, too.

EDWARD: Naughty little scofflaws. But then, aren’t we all.

OSWALD: Quite. You see, then, why I couldn’t let them go with you, before?

EDWARD: Oh, yes. You were right to do it.

OSWALD: How did you control them?

EDWARD: Control them? You think they listen to me? (laughs) Trying to control the Sirens is like trying to lasso a tropical storm; no one can. Best to take cover and watch.

OSWALD: Duly noted.

EDWARD: Some secret that turned out to be: that means they know, too.

OSWALD: You believe Tetch told them?

EDWARD: It would explain his being branded a stool pigeon.

OSWALD: True, true. You don’t think they knew beforehand?

EDWARD: Unlikely. I would guess that they got bored and went to mess with him. Since Jervis is so pathetic around the opposite sex, he’d have blurted it out sooner or later.

OSWALD: Makes sense.

EDWARD: (snickers) Must have thought it was his lucky day.

OSWALD: Depends on your perspective, I suppose. But enough about that: how is Dr. Crane adjusting to life without the bird?

EDWARD: Difficult to say, but he’s drinking more.

OSWALD: How was he when you found him?

EDWARD: Circling the drain. Another few days and he’d have been dead.

OSWALD: Apt timing, then. Here - this missive was intended for you. (slides the paper across) But don’t open it, yet.

EDWARD: What is it?

OSWALD: The location of Dr. Crane’s missing bird is in that envelope.

EDWARD: (good mood evaporating) … What?

OSWALD: (chuckles) Genuine surprise? I like that.

EDWARD: Why are you giving me this?

OSWALD: Because this information is in your hands.

EDWARD: You better not be saying what I think you are.

OSWALD: I am leaving the decision of whether or not to relay this information to Dr. Crane completely up to you. This decision is yours, alone.

EDWARD: Oh, good - a loaded envelope. This is the worst game of Clue I’ve ever been privy to.

OSWALD: Tell me - how did you foresee telling Dr. Crane that the bird was still alive?

EDWARD: A process of hypotheticals. I thought I could… maybe I could… and he would… to be honest, I’m not one hundred percent sure how it was supposed to go. I had no time to plan.

OSWALD: How unfortunate for you.

EDWARD: I’d initially hoped to have her with me when I dragged him back, but that didn’t come to pass.

OSWALD: Do you still plan to get her yourself, with the information I have given you?

EDWARD: Sounds like that is no longer possible.

OSWALD: (chuckles) Correct. The location is heavily guarded. [Naturally.]

EDWARD: I could -

OSWALD: No, you most certainly could not. Your position forbids it, and so do I.

EDWARD: Well, then… Waylon would want to help.

OSWALD: Indeed. But would you allow him to risk his life on this unknown quantity?

EDWARD: … No. No, I wouldn’t. Do you know who took her?

OSWALD: Not yet. But I will. Regardless, neither you, nor any person under your employ will go near the bird’s location. This office will not be seen to have anything further to do with this matter.

EDWARD: Oh, Lord.

OSWALD: Personally, I see no reason to tell Dr. Crane at all. It’s clear the presence of the bird reinstates Crane’s primary weakness.

EDWARD: He could learn from it.

OSWALD: Hm, possible. You believe that, when you say it?

EDWARD: Spero autem. [Still I hope.]

OSWALD: That’s what disappoints me, Edward; these frequent sparks of hope. I find it an odd quality in such an intelligent man; bordering on sentimentality.

EDWARD: It offsets my cynicism; keeps me from going mad and murdering everyone in sight.

OSWALD: I suppose we all need something.

EDWARD: (unhappy huff) Yeah.

OSWALD: I’m impressed that you managed to keep quiet, all this time.

EDWARD: Don’t patronise me.

OSWALD: Are you so sure I’m not flattering you?

EDWARD: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

OSWALD: (chuckles) Very good. Now what outcome were you hoping for?

EDWARD: That he could get her back without destroying himself or half the city in the process.

OSWALD: Which is another wonderful reason not to tell him that the bird is alive. He could adjust to life without her, grow more self-reliant as a result.

EDWARD: Without the anchor that kept his sanity in place.

OSWALD: Surely cutting his moorings would be advisable?

EDWARD: Only for the purpose of remaining adrift.

OSWALD: And the medication?

EDWARD: It works, up to a point; he does have to want to take it.

OSWALD: Such things can be arranged. However, one day, the bird will die.

EDWARD: But not yet.

OSWALD: There will be no more second chances. Should Crane fall off the wagon in such a fashion again, he will simply be put down like a rabid dog.

EDWARD: … Yes. Yes, of course.

OSWALD: What do you think he would do, if you told him now?

EDWARD: I’d count it as being in his good books if he simply tried to break my face.

OSWALD: How amusing.

EDWARD: (annoyed inhale; pause) You’re enjoying this.

OSWALD: (laughs)

EDWARD: This is my punishment, is it?

OSWALD: That’s up to you.

EDWARD: Enlighten me on your reasoning.

OSWALD: As a hopeful man, you could say that having the opportunity to personally solve your little puzzle is your prize.

EDWARD: Mmm.

OSWALD: As a cynical man, you could say that this is your richly deserved penance for keeping your Mayor in the dark, thus leaving him vulnerable to his enemies. That, and for having the sheer unmitigated gall to presume that you know how to do the job that he is far more qualified than you to do. It should be me who breaks your face.

EDWARD: And why don’t you?

OSWALD: Same reason I don’t smash the Ming vases in the lobby - it makes a frightful mess, and replacing one’s expensive belongings can be so inconvenient.

EDWARD: I may be temporarily beholden to you - but make no mistake. You don't own me.

OSWALD: In future, - you keep me in the loop… or I’ll have no hesitation in hanging you with it. Do we understand each other?

EDWARD: Perfectly. (pause) I won’t forget this.

OSWALD: Good for you. Now get out.

EDWARD: With pleasure.

(door closes)

ELSEWHERE…

BARBARA: (over radio) Heads up, you two.

JASON: Barbie? What’s up?

BARBARA: Bruce is coming in hot to your location.

DICK: Driving angry?

BARBARA: He is pissed.

JASON: Broken curfew pissed, or Joker strung the Commissioner up on a flagpole pissed?

BARBARA: Both.

JASON: Shit. What’d you do?

DICK: What’d you do?

BARBARA: Good luck, guys. Over and out.

DICK: Thanks.

(BATMOBILE screeches to a halt)

DICK: (aside) Oh shit… he found out.

JASON: Found out what?.

(BATMOBILE door opens and slams shut)

BATMAN: You two.

DICK: (in a rush) I have something to tell you. About - about why I’m here.

BATMAN: You’ve been tracking Victor Zsasz from Bludhaven - and you kept that from me.

DICK: No. No, I didn’t. I just didn’t tell you.

BATMAN: There’s no difference.

DICK: Of course there is - without malice, it’s completely different. Were you waiting for me to tell you?

BATMAN: Yes. You took a long time, which is disappointing.

DICK: I didn’t want - I was just trying to help.

BATMAN: By keeping me in the dark?

DICK: No, that’s not it.

BATMAN: That’s the result. I expected better from you.

JASON: You always do. It’s one of your things.

BATMAN: Take a walk, Jason.

JASON: Fine.

BATMAN: Wait. You. Did you know?

JASON: No, I didn’t.

BATMAN: …

JASON: I didn’t, alright? I swear on it, you paranoid delusional.

DICK: Jase -

JASON: No, Dick. You think you’re the only one allowed to have secrets, old man?

BATMAN: That’s my prerogative.

DICK: And not ours?

BATMAN: No.

DICK: That’s not fair.

JASON: Goddamn right it ain’t.

BATMAN: That’s always been a rule. You do what I say, when I say.

JASON: Maybe when we were kids; back when we were conscripted for the cause.

DICK: That’s not how it was -

JASON: You so sure about that? Grayson?

BRUCE: Watch your mouth.

JASON: How about you watch mine for me, old man - we think for ourselves. We’re not gadgets on your belt.

DICK: We only want you to trust us.

BRUCE: You have a funny way of showing it.

DICK: Well then you taught us more than you realise.

BRUCE: What did you say?

DICK: (sadly) You heard me. You’re just not admitting it because you’re angry.

JASON: My boy!

BATMAN: Enough! When you keep things from me, people get hurt. People die.

DICK: I didn’t want this. You’re making it into something it isn’t. Something ugly.

BATMAN: Oh no, you two are doing that all on your own.

DICK: Just - hear me out. Please?

BATMAN: …

DICK: I was trying to help.

BATMAN: (scoffs)

JASON: Let the man talk, for fuck’s sake.

BATMAN: That’s your last warning.

JASON: (scoffs)

DICK: You’ve been run off your feet trying to cover both Gotham and Metropolis since Kal’s been gone. But it’s too much for one person.

BATMAN: Did I ask for help?

DICK: No.

BATMAN: Did I ask for help!?

JASON: Do you ever?

BATMAN: ...

DICK: You could have asked us, Bruce. You should have. I mean, what else did you train us for?

BATMAN: To protect yourselves and this city against --

JASON: Oh bullshit - we’re your benchwarmers at best. You bring us out when a C-List breaks out and you need someone to slow pitch ‘em back to Arkham.

DICK: That might be exaggerating, Jase.

JASON: D-List then, fuck.

BATMAN: What’s your point?

DICK: We’re trying to help you, YOU, Bruce Wayne, but you won’t let us. We only want you to trust that we can do this on our own, but I don’t think you ever will.

BATMAN: You don’t get it. Super Ban or no, Gotham is mine.

JASON: That’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it?

BATMAN: What?

JASON: Big Boy Brucie just doesn’t want to share with the other kids.

BATMAN: Explain yourself. Now.

JASON: It’s all about you. It always is.

BATMAN: You know, you’re not so big that I can’t -

JASON: Can’t what? … Bend me over your knee? Give me a spanking? Kill me? Cause I’ve already played that game before, but you handled that situation like a champ! It was such a relief to wake up and find my murderer in the ground. Oh, wait a minute...

BATMAN: This isn’t the time for this.

JASON: Ohhhh, it never is, old man. Never is.

DICK: … Look. I’m sorry I took so long to tell you.

BATMAN: Good.

DICK: But that’s the only thing I’m sorry for. I’m not going to be made to feel guilty about doing the only job I know how to do. And do well, despite what you believe.

BATMAN: I didn’t say... that.

DICK: (sadly) You don’t have to, Bruce.

JASON: Subtext was real clear on that one.

BATMAN: Well then, since you two have this handled, you won’t need me around..

DICK: Bruce, come on.

BATMAN: No. You’re grown men now. Clearly there’s nothing else to learn from me. Victor Zsasz is your problem now, and everything that comes with it.

JASON: Oh, come ON...

BATMAN: You’re on your own, now. Go save the world.

DICK: Don’t do this -

JASON: Let him go, man. Let him have his pissy fit - we got work to do.

DICK: Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Best to let him cool off.

(SOUND OF GARBAGE CANS BEING KICKED OVER; CAT SCREECH)

DICK: … For awhile.