The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0156 (Patreon)

EDWARD: Anonymous asks: If you, Scarecrow, Joker, and Two-Face were all locked in a room with no weapons, and no observed ventilation system, what would you do?

Well, aren’t you a fan of the Oxford comma - kudos. But no ventilation? I imagine we would find a way out or die, choking on each other’s rancid carbon dioxide. Ugh - what a revolting thought. Now what kind of question are you asking, here? Is this your reality programming pitch where you televise escape rooms? I have that concept covered, thank you. Or is it perhaps a motion picture script? “Three Morons and a Genius”? I don’t see it catching on. (exhale) Alright. I can’t say that I relish the idea of being made victim to a ploy that I could have devised; however, since your question seems more sociological rather than diabolical in nature, let us explore possible outcomes. I do not have visual aid or a floor plan of this mythical room, so I am only able to hypothesise reactions to my situation rather than actually providing a way out. Personally, I would be formulating an exit, and weighing the possibility of knocking the rest of them out to preserve oxygen and eliminate all the chatter. Jonathan never shows much desire to live and has no fear of death, so I envisage him scratching formulas onto the walls so that his work may continue. Oh. Oh, wait - I see you said Scarecrow. If Jon lost his grip, then Scarecrow would simply kill us all and then suffocate. Crow sans Crane is not so bright, you see. It’s all that murderous rage - it makes him stupid. As for Joker (chuckle), it depends on his mood. He may try to break down the door to freedom using my head as a battering ram, or he may kill us all and live the rest of his remaining minutes in a log cabin constructed out of our corpses. Who can say? And Two-Face? Hm. Harvey and Harv agree on the idea of self-preservation, (footsteps, coin flipping) but I don’t think Punch and Judas could stop arguing long enough to agree on a plan, much like a bickering married couple would.

HARVEY: We don’t take kindly to slander, Nygma.

EDWARD: And what would you do about it, ambidexter? Sue me?

HARVEY: Maybe. We are the Mayor-Elect’s new District Attorney, so we’ll have to decide if you’re worth our time.

EDWARD: (snickers) Oswald plans to surround himself with a certain calibre of person, I see.

HARVEY: Was that a compliment or another insult?

EDWARD: You can both take that however you desire, Harvey. Now what did you want? Or have you simply come to waste my time? You could answer this question while you’re here (hands him a sheet of paper) make yourself useful.

HARVEY: We’d probably just shoot you.

EDWARD: No weapons, remember? Try again - use your other brain cell, this time.

HARVEY: (screws up the paper) Then we’d beat you to death just to shut you up. (tosses it at Edward’s head) Like we could right now. 

EDWARD: And there you have it, listeners - straight from the horse’s ass. I ask again - what do you want?

HARVEY: You’re lucky Cobblepot likes you, boy, or we’d make you bleed all the shades of green you’ve got.

EDWARD: Oh, spit it out! I haven’t got all day.

HARVEY: It’s about Lucenzo Valentino.

EDWARD: What of him? I smuggled Crane out of here especially to deal with that unsavoury individual.

HARVEY: Turns out Crane’s not much of a dealer. Valentino made pig chow out of a couple of cops… and got pretty damn close to taking Bullock’s head off. Crane went to the Valentino farm and hasn’t come back.

EDWARD: Dare I ask how you know this information?

HARVEY: Not my place to ask. Some of us know our place.

EDWARD: As well you should. I presume the fearless fear-monger has been captured by this Lucenzo for his unique ‘ability’?

HARVEY: Looks that way.

EDWARD: And what does Oswald expect ME to do about that, exactly?

HARVEY: Being incarcerated’s never stopped you before, unless you’re just chicken.

EDWARD: Oh fuck off with that, Harvey.

HARVEY: Cobblepot says you’re bright enough to figure this all out… spring loose…

EDWARD: What? Why me? Crane and I aren’t even friends!

HARVEY: Sure, that’s why you’ve got his bird in here.

EDWARD: Because she acts more like my friend than he does!

HARVEY: He saved your ungrateful green hide from Elliot, didn’t he?

EDWARD: Oh. pfff. That was for his own reasons, not for my sake.

HARVEY: No? Doubt those same reasons would have extended to saving someone like US.

EDWARD: Hmph.

HARVEY: Just swallow your pride, Nygma. Mind you don’t choke on it.

EDWARD: (sulky) What does Oswald care, anyway?

HARVEY: Cobblepot has his reasons. He also said you would find yours.

(silence; Edward is sulking)

HARVEY: Heh. We’ll leave you to it, then. Our regards to Crane. Bye bye, birdie.

(Ikky squawks, Harvey leaves)

EDWARD: Oh and of course this falls to me to clean up. Damn Harvey. Bloody Oswald. Wretched, hopeless, confounded useless Crane. (frustrated sigh) Should I sit here with this knowledge and do nothing? But then who knows what I would even be getting myself into? (pause, then starts to laugh) Turns out that old bullbeggar can’t detect his way out of a paper bag without my menagerie to help him. I, however, have no such shortcoming. I’d better show him how it’s done, Ikky. But not in these drab scrubs - we’ll stop off in Receiving and get one of my spare suits. Come here, dear. I’m busting out of this cage, and you’re coming with me. I do believe I’m going to need your expert assistance. (Ikky squawks) It is exciting, isn’t it? Looks like it’s time to get dastardly; let’s blow this pop stand. We’ll show him how you save someone’s bacon. (laughs on the way out, voice fades) Aw, shit. (door closes)