The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0108 (Patreon)

EDWARD: Good evening, everyone! For those of you with the slightest powers of observation will've noticed that I had been AWOL for the entire month of February. You may ask why? Well, as they say on tumblr, let me explain to you a thing. February is a terrifying month in Gotham, and it has to do with the ever-delightful Hallmark holiday: Valentine's Day. You see, we have a lot of.. Well, how can I put it delicately - psychopaths. People who, when February 14th rolls around, begin thinking of the loves that could have been. This then changes to the love that SHOULD have been, and then, the loves that WILL BE again, no matter what. That's when I decide to hide under my bed until everything blows over; well, blows over or blows up, and personally I'd rather be oblivious to either outcome. Of course, hiding under a bed can get boring, so I thought I'd take the time to have a look at some of the riddles that were sent my way. I give the submitters a gold star for effort, but (laughs) oh, who am I kidding? These are terrible, simply terrible. 

Let's have a look at some of these. Xandersinclair53 asked: On this one street there is a purple one-storey house. Everything is purple on and in this house. The garden is purple, the bedrooms, the bathroom, and even the family's clothes in this house is purple. What colour are the stairs? Well, if everything else is purple, I imagine the stairs must be as we - ohhh. Ohh, wait a minute! Oho, oh! Oh, you sheer mastermind! It's a one-storey house! I get it. Well, that's just brilliant - I am forever humbled by your mastery of the riddle. There wouldn't BE any stairs! Unless there was a basement. But no - this is YOUR moment. Let's bask in your brilliance for a moment. Alright, that's enough - next.

Anonymous asked: I have a riddle for you that no one that I know has yet to solve: What can you never see with your eyes and rarely recognise with your brain? (sigh) You know there's a reason no one's solved this - because it's just awful. There are far too many variables with a question like this; if you can never see it with your eyes, then obviously you wouldn't recognise it. Or are you being clever, and implying that you physically can't see something on yourself, like the back of your head, because your eyes aren't removable? And obviously, you don't study the back of your head, unless you suffer from high-grade narcissism. Either way, this riddle is just far too open-ended. Let's move on to one that's just insulting.

Toxic-mai-panda asked: Can you answer MY riddle? A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was six minutes. A boy that was listening shouted, "That's nothing, I can stay under water for ten minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd award him $10,000. The boy did it and won the money. Can you figure out how? The water is in a FUCKING glass. Pardon my French, but come on. You're sending third-grade brain teasers to the Prince of Puzzles? Takes all kinds, I suppose. Moving on. 

Anonymous asked: A riddle - when does the Batman wax? Ohohoho, I know this one! Wait for it - when he's not Wayne-ing! (laughs) Because he's Bruce Wayne! Ohh, so when he's not - ah, I don't need to explain to you smart cookies! Next.

Bracketnarrator asked: hello, Riddler, you mentioned you have an incredible intellect... I wish to test this against Deep Thought's. What is the question to 42? Also, some other terrible question I don't care to repeat. Oh, bracket. You ask this like I haven't picked up a book in my life. The question is, how many roads must a man walk down? I mean, really? This is what I get sent? Oh, here's another gem.

Anonymous asked: I have a question for you, it's a yes or no question, is your next answer going to be no? No. Wait - yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. The parrot! (sigh) Next.

Anonymous asked: Here's one for you - as white as milk, but milk I'm not. As green as grass, but grass I'm not. As red as a rose, but rose I'm not. As black as ink, but ink I'm not. What am I? You're a blackberry. This is an old Irish riddle and sounds absurd, but blackberries do come in a variety of colours. Just google it. And yes, I mean the fruit, though I suppose both have several colour options. Well this has been exhausting. I'm going to take a nap now, and pray that Killer Croc has stopped leaving Valentine's Day cards on my toilet seat.