The Riddler Speaks - Joker Time 04 (Patreon)

JOKER: (over loudspeaker) Ladies and Gentlemen of Gotham! Welcome to the show! It's Halloween night, and as promised - your beloved Edward Nygma's going up for the chop. Harley - if you please! 

(HARLEY hits a switch; circus music plays)

HARLEY: There ya go, puddin'!

(BUD and LOU growl)

JOKER: Thank you, my dear! Now run along with Bud and Lou and make sure no one gets inside. 

(HARLEY leads away BUD and LOU, still growling)

JOKER: Since we're all here having a good time, I figure we'll let Eddie answer a few more questions before we slash his ratings. Everybody say hello to Eddie! 

EDWARD: Get me off this thing and let me go, you sadistic, fucking clown! I'm going to tear your - 

(JOKER gags EDWARD)

JOKER: Oop! Looks like Eddie's not in a talking mood, so I guess I'll answer a few of these. Nightinggaleinflight asks: Killing the Riddler because of an askblog, Joker? (tutting) I expected more from a man with your reputation. I expected something, I don't know grander. I suppose you're right, Nightie - but what people seem to keep missing is that I'm just trying to be a better person! Casefile 18, my dear! And I quote: "if anything, the Joker is a poor man's Riddler. He's me, only less intelligent (hits EDWARD), less focused (hits EDWARD), less capable of structured reasoning (hits EDWARD), less likely to have a motive (hits EDWARD), and less interesting (hits EDWARD, who whimpers). Anyone can joke, but not everyone can riddle. Remember that." And I DID. I DID remember. And now, here we are! (laughs) I know people expect grander things from me, but I save those for the bat. Batsy will get me an Oscar; at best, Eddie will get me a daytime Emmy. So without further ado, let's get to the point! (laughs) Now, I'll let you have some last words, Eddie baby, if you can promise to be nice. Now. What would you like to say to our listeners at home?

EDWARD: (breathing heavily) Honestly? 

JOKER: But of course! 

EDWARD: (laboured breath) I never thought I'd say this... But I wish Batman was here. I'd have taken a turn at Arkham. Two, even, than have another five minutes with you... and your horrible jokes and insufferable laugh! My only hope now, is that you slip on your own coattails and through the miracle of physics, castrate yourself with your French chefs!

(JOKER laughs)

JOKER: Oh Eddie, you ARE a laugh! The bat will NOT be joining us tonight, I'm afraid - him and the Justice League are out playing Trick or Treat with the vast array of psychopaths I freed from Arkham in honour of Halloween. I'm afraid there just aren't any heroes left who would be willing to save your green eggs and ham. 

(Slow clap and laughter as someone enters)

???: Green eggs and ham... Very cute.

JOKER: Who's there? 

???: Think of me as - an old business partner. 

JOKER: It - can't be. Lex Luthor! As I live and breathe! What brings you to my humble commode? 

LEX: One billion dollars. I paid you ONE BILLION DOLLARS to kill Superman, and what do you do? You fake your own death and leave ME in the yoke!

JOKER: Oh, Lexie baby - what's a billion between friends? 

LEX: I waited. For seventeen years. Seventeen years of legal red tape. Seventeen years of Superman watching my every move, before I could get my payback.

JOKER: But how'd you get past Harley? This place was tighter than Superman's undies! 

LEX: I suppose you could say - Harley is at my Mercy.

(Whining as guns fire)

LEX: Oh - sounds like they just Old Yeller. 

(Repeat)

LEX: Sorry. Yellers. 

JOKER: If you want your money - it's gonna take a while. I gave it all away. To - orphans. With diseases. It was a very emotional experience.

LEX: Shut it, clown! Now YOU pay.

JOKER: I must admit I'm surprised. I never thought you'd let your hands get dirty. 

LEX: Oh, Joker. You of all people should know I never get my own hands dirty.

(Circus music dies away; hissing gas noise)

JONATHAN CRANE: Looks like I have a new test subject.

LEX: Mr. Nygma, I suggest you hold your breath.

(JOKER coughs on the fear toxin) 

JOKER: Oh please, Crane! Let the big kids play!

CRANE: You're gonna learn a harsh lesson today, Joker. A lesson... (voice deepens) IN FEAR.

(JOKER coughs)

JOKER: No! Get back! Get away from me! Get out of my head! 

(CRANE laughs)

CRANE: Breathe, Joker. Breathe in the terror. (laughs)

JOKER: No - no! (screams, laughs)

CRANE: Breathe easy; the gas has dissipated. 

LEX: Good old fashioned fear toxin. How long will he be out?

CRANE: Normal man's out for about a day, so I'd give him about... Six hours. 

(LEX presses his radio)

LEX: Mercy - I need the chopper in the air in five minutes. Joker is ours.

MERCY: (over radio) Aye sir. Five minutes.

EDWARD: Well, I'd hate to be a bother... But one of you PLEASE get me down from here. (They cut him down) I suppose I should be grateful. 

CRANE: You can be whatever you like, Mr. Nygma. You don't sign my checks. Speaking of? 

LEX: Right here. 

CRANE: A pleasure doin' business with you. I'll give you some advice for free, though - I'd be careful, handling that clown. Not even I'd want to know what would terrify a mind like his. 

(CRANE leaves)

LEX: Noted. 

EDWARD: You sure took your time getting here. 

LEX: I got stuck in traffic.

EDWARD: Mm-hmm. 

LEX: I said I'd get you out. You set the bait and he fell for it. It all worked out in the end. 

EDWARD: I think I'm bleeding internally. And I - can't see, out of my left eye. 

LEX: Best get that seen to. Now here's your hazard pay.

EDWARD: If you think money's going to make me feel any better, then you - wow. Right to the penny. 

LEX: I've been doing this a long time, Edward.

EDWARD: Well. Should you need my help in future, Lex, you know who to call. May I call you Lex?

LEX: Mr. Luthor's fine. Goodbye, Edward. And remember, I was never here. Guards! (snaps fingers)

GUARD: Yes, Mr. Luthor?

LEX: Get that clown on the chopper and get back to Metropolis! 

GUARD: Yes, Mr. Luthor!

(GUARDS take JOKER away)

EDWARD: My dear listeners. Thank you for your concerns for my well-being over the past month. Especially those who encouraged torture at the hands of my hilarious host. Happy Halloween, everyone. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled program as soon as the swelling goes down in my brain. Until then - goodnight. (sighs)