One Piece: Scotsman On Board - Chapter 1 (Patreon)

Wrestle the crocodile they said. The fine arse English birds were watching they said. If he wanted to shag them all, he had to prove he was the biggest bad arse of them all as well.

'That's the last time I ever down a bottle of bucky before going to the zoo with these chuckle fucks.' Yarden Odhar grimaced to himself as the massive beast snarled and whipped its body back and forth.

The fucking thing was utterly massive. Even after climbing into the enclosure while it was sleeping and catching it by surprise, the thing was easily overpowering him.

The only reason he hadn't gotten his stupid arse killed yet, was because he'd first wrapped his arms around the things windpipe and just wouldn't let go! If it weren't for the leverage he had, he would have been tossed away and munched up like a tasty wee morsel.

"Fuckin' calm down!" Yarden growled, layering kicks into the things side that honestly, it probably didn't even feel.

His eyes briefly flickered up to where his three mates were all hollering and cheering him on, alongside them, a trio of completely shaggable English wenches and one of said wenches boyfriend who was glaring down at him venomously.

'Fuckin' cuck!' Yarden snorted derisively. He was just pissed off becaus Yarden shagged his girlfriend rotten last night.

He had it coming. He knew the cunt long before he came down here, met him months ago at a wedding, Yarden being part of the grooms entourage, it was one of his cousins from Edinburgh getting married after all.

The cunt and his girlfriend had been invited up, because his family were acquainted or something. Either way, the complete arsehole had mocked him for 'wearing' a 'skirt'.

He had been wearing a kilt. His girlfriend, joined in on the joke and took a peek under his kilt for a laugh, and got a face full of his bollocks.

It wasn't so funny to them then.

And it definitely wasn't so funny for the prick when he walked in on his girlfriend gargling on Yarden's bollocks last night after he'd finished shagging her into the bed and making her squeal.

Yarden personally thought it was a grand old fun time

Laugh at and make a joke of his fucking Scottish heritage, will he? 'Well, we saw where that got him now? Didn't we?' Yarden snorted, almost forgetting where he was and what he was doing.

The mind tended to wander when drunk out of your rocker and hyped on adrenaline. Hell, why the fuck did they even come to the zoo in the first place?

Suddenly, lost in his thoughts as he was despite the utterly stupidly dangerous situation he was in, Yarden's eyes widened when he found himself losing his footing as the huge arse crocodile, unable to break from his grip, fucking flung itself to the side and rolled, its sheer weight and power dragging Yarden along.

That would have been the end of him probably.

If it didn't put a bit too much of that epic power into its body roll. Yarden grunted as he hit the ground and the reptiles sheer weight pressed down on him, his ribs feeling like they were creaking, but it as only for a moment as the roll continued over again and he found himself on his back, with the croc belly up on top of him.

Victory in sight! He shifted his grip around its neck, much easier with its throat exposed and threw his legs up, wrapping around its stomach and locking it into his grip with it, pinning it to his body.

And then, while it was stunned, he arched up his back and stretched out his body as far as it could go, putting it in as awkward a position as he could and he fucking squeezed and pulled.

It was a fucking heavy bastard, and its scale were rubbing and cutting his arms fucking raw, but, despite its weight and strength, it couldn't gain any leverage to do anything beyond shimmy and thrash in his grip.

But he refused to let go!

And finally, bit by bit, it lost strength as its oxygen supply was cut off completely and it fell unconscious on top of him.

Yarden lay there under the mighty reptilian beast, a stupid dumb laugh escaping his lips as he tried to catch his breath, his heart thundering a mile a minute in his chest.

He lay there under the crocodile for a good thirty seconds, before he managed to work up the energy to roll in off of him and stand up on shaky legs, "Fuckin' hell, I'm a stupid cunt," he shook his head, then glanced at the unconscious crocodile, "…Good fight mate." he only won because he got lucky there in the end.

Too bad he couldn't take this big boy home with him and keep it as a pet. He just didn't have the room.

Oh, and he'd probably get arrested if he tried that. Honestly, the only reason he even managed to climb in here without getting caught was because there was some nonsense pansy boy drama going on at another enclosure, something about a rhino shitting on someone or something.

It needed to be repeated, god he was a dumb fuck.

He heard cheers coming from the lads up above and put it out of mind. Breathing deeply, Yarden made his way over to the wall of the enclosure he climbed down and struggled his way back up.

"Mate, mate that was fuckin' crazy!" his mate laughed as he peaked up over the barrier.

"Aye, you're a fuckin' mad lad!" one of the others patted him on the shoulder. Course, he didn't help him over the barrier.

He didn't need that.

His eyes flickered over to the girls, eyeing him with pure admiration, clapping and whooping, 'Fuck the lads, I'm gonna shag all three of them the night!' Yarden crowed to himself as he planted his hands on the barrier and made to swing himself fully over.

He'd forgotten about someone though.

Just as he was about to come over, he felt an impact, like a hard punch under his armpit, and a gasp was forced from his throat.

There was a scream, "Derek!?" his knob polisher squealed, what was her name again?

"The fuck!?" he heard one of his mates shout.

"Yarden, mate!" another screamed in shock.

When he managed to whip his eyes to look, he found a thick black handle hanging from under his armpit, blood oozing out into his white sleeveless hoodie, staining it red.

…What the fuck? His head was beginning to feel light and he looked up, finding his attacker.

It was the pathetic cuck man. And he was pathetic, he was a grown fucking man of nineteen and a fifteen year old cucked him of his girlfriend and fucked her better than he ever did.

Derek stared down at him, shaking in spot, eyes wild and manic, lips pulled back into a snarl, "Y-you deserve this you arrogant little bastard!" he sputtered in a rage.

Yarden was still hyped up on adrenaline though, so he was only confused for a moment.

"Fuck yae!" he swung his head out and smashed it up into the cunts chin, knocking him off his feet with a squeal of pain, he heard something crunch under the mighty malky he gave him.

Rage suffused Yarden and he saw red, even as his consciousness began to darken, he stumbled over the barrier, ignoring his friends and pushing away from them, blocking out the screams of terror from the shaggable wenches.

With a snarl, he grabbed the knife under hanging out under his arm and ripped it out, blood splattering over the ground, and pain spasming through where he pulled it out.

Yarden ignored it and raised the knife high and threw himself down onto his attacker and plunged it into his chest, then tore it out, then did it again, and again, and again! "Who the fuck dae yae hink yae are ya wee fuckin pansy! I'll fuckin' kill you!" he stabbed him over and over, even as the cuck begged for mercy and tried to throw him off.

After the twelfth time, he felt the knife pierce something hard and he couldn't yank it out with how numb his arms were beginning to feel.

So he pushed himself to his feet and just started laying into the fucking arsehole with kick after kick, "Nae wonder she fuckin' wanted to bounce on ma cock! When am done here am gonnae shag yer maw as well! Gonna make her fuckin squeal like a dirty wee pig just like yer fuckin girlfriend and…."

As he exploded into a tirade of threats and ripping the pish out of his attacker, Yarden began to trail off bit by bit, before he was suddenly falling, his vision going completely dark and his body feeling oh so cold.
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Just as suddenly as the darkness took him, Yarden found himself opening his eyes again.

A bright blue sky met his gaze, not a hospital ceiling as one would expect after what he went through, never mind laying down on what felt like cold, hard ground and not a fluffy hospital bed.

And it felt like just a moment ago too.

"What the fuck?" Yarden sat up quickly, his hand going to under his arm and lifting up his hoodie. No pain, and no stab wound either, though his hoodie was still soaked through with his blood.

Well, dyed by it at least, because the blood had already went dry. What the fuck? Had he been unconscious for that long?

And where were his lads, and the shaggables? Not to mention that cunt whom he was sure he killed!

In a daze, Yarden pushed himself up and looked around. He was in…what looked like a clearing of a forest, with long, wild untamed grass, and huge, utterly massive trees that had to be hundreds of feet tall.

A gave a startled jump as the ground shook suddenly and he heard a massive roar that sounded like it just came straight out of Jurassic Park.

"…THE FUCK!?" he repeated, this time with a roar of confused anger, whirling around.

Then stopped and blinked stupidly in surprise. Because, laying about five feet away from him, completely unconscious was a familiar huge arse reptile, Fluffy as he mentally named the pet that could have been.

Also known as the crocodile he just choked the fuck out.

For a moment he just stared.

And then the crocodile glowed a deep, bright green and before his eyes suddenly began to shrink down and down and down.

It only lasted a few seconds before it was over, and he wasn't even given time to really think about it.

But in Fluffy's place, there was now…some weird ass looking green banana.

"Oh…I'm just having a spastic crazy trip in my head while dying, just a delusion then." he nodded to himself.

He was pretty coherent for being delusional and dying though mind you. "Guess I'm just built different." the Scottish teen shrugged to himself.

Hmm, nothing to it then. Should he try to make sense of what his subconscious was trying to tell him before he crapped out of life?

"A forest with what sounded like dinosaurs, pretty obvious." Yarden crossed his arms and nodded to himself. Basically, he was the king of the jungle, the biggest bad arse around, and even if he lived alongside the dinosaurs, he'd still thrive.

Fluffy being here was just obvious about him being significant as his last conquest. The cuck didn't count, he was a pansy cuck, not much accomplishment in killing him even when bleeding out.

And turning into a big green banana, was obviously symbolism because he was a Celtic Supporter, and had a big fat cock.

"Honestly, I should have studied to be a psychiatrist, I'd have gotten rich man." he nodded to himself, pleased with his deductions.

He was a fucking genius man.

Suddenly, there was a sound like massive foot steps coming from within the foliage of the forest and Yarden watched curiously as a massive, reptilian form pushed through the trees to reveal a gigantic t-rex.

Its eyes immediately locked on to him and it opened its mouth wide, a titanic ear shattering roar blocking out all other sounds.

"Man I've got an amazing imagination, maybe I should have tried being an author instead?" he wondered idly, not at all intimidated. He'd tried his hand at that once, on a whim like a year ago, wrote some smut and shit because some dude told him it would make him popular in the community thing for it.

Maybe he should have tried it out a bit more? Well, no point in regrets now.

The t-rex paused in its roar when he didn't even budge and gave him an almost confused look.

Which just clinched it really, because no way one would be intelligent enough for shit like this.

It shook its head, rather human-like in manner, before roaring again and dashing towards him, huge jaw opening wide as it lunged, trying to snap him up.

Calmly, Yarden made to hop back just a little bit and avoid it, he wanted a close look at this thing when it missed.

Only, instead of a hop, he found himself leaping a good five feet back with barely any effort and landing beside the green banana.

"Huh, neat." he blinked, before shrugging and picking up the banana as the t-rex pulled its back up to its full height and eyed him much more warily now.

He ignored the t-rex and eyed the green banana. Heh, he was basically holding the love he had for his favourite football team and his penis in his hand right now.

At least symbolically.

Obviously, what most would do, was bid goodbye to such precious things. But no, Yarden would embrace them even in death.

He turned around and walked away from the t-rex, ignoring it, peeling the green banana all the way, and showing off a soft inner banana of a lighter shade of green.

He lifted it to his mouth and he took a bit from it, and his eyes widened.

The most rancid taste he'd ever had the displeasure of assaulting his tongue raped his taste buds. It tasted like rotten mouldy shit from the depths of an American sewer, mixed with the sweat of a chonky fat Chinese guy, and the disgusting fishy lady jizz of a whore gangbanged hundreds of times until her pussy was just a pair of flabby meat curtains.

Ah, of course it would taste so horrible to him. He was basically eating a penis, symbolically at least, his own or not. And he was not gay, so of course, it would taste like utter shit to him.

As he swallowed though, he blinked as he felt a rushing sensation run through his entire body, sparking almost like electricity deep within him and his muscles throbbed with power!

And suddenly, he was growing, and growing, his skin being replaced by thick dark green scales, "…What the fuck?" Yarden blinked when he finished growing.

He was a good twenty feet in height now, and his face had extended into a snout-like jaw filled with razor sharp teeth, his torso and legs were huge, thick and muscular, encased with the same thick scales, and as he looked over his shoulder, he could see a massive crocodile tail, thicker than his human body was and easily twice as long.

"….This doesn't seem right." he mused, utterly bemused, confused and quite possibly bamboozled.

There was another monstrous roar from behind him and the ground trembled as the t-rex tried to take him from behind.

But he wasn't a chick, or gay. And honestly, it was kind of annoying now.

"Will you shut the fuck up!" Yarden growled, whirling around and lashing out and up with a massive scaled fist that caught the t-rex straight in the jaw.

Bone crunched under the blow, blood spurted from its mouth and there was an audible crack as its neck went snap under the blow and the huge beast collapsed to the ground, dead.