It's Official: Goodbye, California! (Patreon)

Hey!

I wrote, and rewrote, and rewrote… and rewrote… this letter, and I don’t really know why it’s been so hard, because the message is exciting (at least for me) and quite straight-forward (objectively): After 12½ years of living in California, I’m leaving. It’s actually happening. All CLS products will continue as-is (more on that in a second); I’m merely picking myself up and going 3,000 miles east, to the other side of these here United States.

I’m moving to Richmond, Virginia to be closer to my family, and will ultimately buy a house (with a spare bedroom studio, of course) and settle in. Though we Moriartys are Long Islanders (have I ever mentioned that?), much of the core of my family has actually relocated to the Richmond area over the last near-two decades. My sister Dana is down there with her husband and their three boys. My other sister Ali is down there with her daughter. My mom and step-dad live there, and her sister (my aunt), cult CLS figure Uncle Mike, and their daughter Jamie live in Richmond, too. The picture isn’t quite complete — dad’s still on the Island along with other extended family, and Dagan and his brood remain in the Philly ‘burbs — but being in Richmond allows me to centrally locate myself in regard to what’s most important. Everyone will be within reach, which I've long told myself doesn't really matter in the digital world, which of course is a lie.

The reality is, the last couple of years have been really hard mentally and emotionally. While I’m incredibly proud of what I (and all of us) have built with Colin’s Last Stand, and while the sky is the limit for our brand and our shows, I've steadily neglected my own well-being and happiness by constructing a sort of protective cocoon around myself. None of you out there would really know the difference, but the people in my life would, and have, and do. I've come to accept that the events of a few years ago have slowly seeped into my world, feeding my tendency toward isolation, fueling my worst instincts to keep as many people as possible at arm's length, expecting to be let down or tossed aside. I like quiet time. I like being alone. But I think I've stretched my situation to an unhealthy and unsustainable limit to fulfill some arbitrary sense of self-preservation, and I have to shake myself out of it. I've tightened my personal circle into something that more resembles a knot. I've built a brick wall around myself, and only let a few people in -- the Chris Ray Guns and the Erins and the Dustins and the like -- to help ensure that I never again have my life disrupted so severely by the random whims of a mob and their sympathizers.

Turns out that path is literally safe, but also an emotionless dead end. As I believe we've one life to live, I don't much care for the trade-off.

I’ve become the guy that doesn’t return texts, never, ever wants to go out, and just wants to be left alone. In the rare event I do make plans, I usually wish for the other person to cancel on me, and generally hope folks forget they ever wanted to hang out with me in the first place. Socially and emotionally, it's as if I've gone out of my way try and cease to exist to others who actually know me.

It's a Groundhog's Day-like existence of merely being, but not living, and I don’t want to be that way because of some festering wound. It’s not who I really am, and I feel like I’m wasting time and energy that I can’t get back. I’m 35. Time marches. I've neglected some of my closest friendships and connections because I simply can't break out of my funk, and that's my fault. More regrettably, I've evaded my own family because I knew (and know) that if I expose myself to their world enough, they will quickly realize that I'm not okay.

Remedying all of this starts with me “going home,” as it were, and reconnecting with the people who love me and care about me unconditionally. Because it’s my family that, through geography and old-fashioned avoidance, I’ve dodged the most. Like a dying cat, as I've morbidly joked with my mom, I prefer to go in the corner and suffer alone. I think I’ve been embarrassed to let my parents, my sisters, my brother, and my other family members know I’ve been struggling to touch base with the wider world, but no more. Once I've found personal balance and caught up with my clan, I can begin to make things right with the friendships I’ve neglected, though — knowing the people I’m thinking of — I suspect each one of them will understand.

In short: I have to reignite myself and let people back into my life, and injecting myself back into my family's orbit is a necessary step on that journey.

What does this mean for CLS, for Sacred Symbols, KnockBack, and all the rest? Well, for you (the listener, the viewer, the Patron, the fan), it doesn’t mean anything, because the shows will continue as-is. Each and every one of them. (Dagan’s even gonna get his own podcast in 2020, though we’ll talk about that another time.)

While Chris is a small young man, I can’t quite fit him in my pocket, so he’ll be staying in Southern California, and we’ll be recording Sacred Symbols and Sacred Symbols+ remotely. If you’re nervous about a drop in quality when that happens, don’t be! The proof’s in the pudding, after all. We secretly recorded Episode 69 and Episode 71 of Sacred Symbols remotely, as well as Episode X and Episode XI of Sacred Symbols+, and nary a person noticed. (And your kind feedback on Episode XIV of Sacred Symbols+, which was openly recorded remotely, put any lingering fears at ease. We’re good to go.) The Internet lets me know when literally anything is wrong, so I’m 100% confident Sacred Symbols and Sacred Symbols+ will continue to dominate for a long time to come.

And, hey, my super-close proximity to Dagan means that we can get together more easily and more often, hopefully expanding KnockBack in meaningful ways, like with Let’s Plays and Watch Alongs and the like. And since I’ll be surrounded by other family members, I suspect we’ll be able to do some funny stuff with them, too (like my sisters, who are long overdue for KnockBack appearances). In the meantime, you’ll continue to get Chris' Let’s Plays and Let’s Plays from me, Sophia will continue writing Side Quest, Dustin will continue to edit everything and make the machine run, and, really, nothing much changes from the outside looking in. The Patreon doesn’t change. The merch doesn’t change. The schedule doesn’t change.

And, yes: We’re still releasing a game on PS4 and Vita in early 2020.

It's taken me time to get to this point, but I'm glad I have. I need to clear my head, redouble my efforts, and refocus my energy. The end result of this move, I hope, is merely a happier, healthier, and more fiery Colin. (That's me!) And if not, well... at least I tried.

Thank you for reading, and for your support in this big life event! This is an inflection point for me, and I’m feeling really positive and really excited about it. I hope you are, too. (And, as always, thank you for letting me vent. I know I can always count on you for that.)

I appreciate your time, and look forward to continuing our voyage together!

Yours, -Colin