Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 95 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 95

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

“Wait, the Pharaoh I’m meeting is a man?”

I looked at A’Bel for confirmation as I sat and waited on the couch. Most of my entourage was getting dressed up for the meeting with the Pharaoh. Our meeting with one of the rulers of the Desert was sped up after we “returned” the schematics for their flying boats and informed our Anubis hostess of the Apophis willing to work with the Pharaohs. With our concerns about Miriam’s true intentions and advising caution, of course.

Apparently, while the planned celebration and official meeting was still set in stone, the importance of our discovery and actions warranted an audience with the closest Pharaoh.

That Pharaoh was apparently a dude who was hundreds of years old.

Which was neat, if it was true.

“The bloodline of the Pharaohs is strong and can carry over to men. They are unlike normal men, more like Kindred than humans. They were never human to begin with.” A’Bel provided me with the information that I wanted. A few of the servants dolling her up in sheets of silk and golden threads winced at her words. She smiled a vicious smile at them. “My dear summoner, you best be on your best behavior, unless you inspire the wrath of a being not swayed by your handsome features.”

I ignored the teasing and turned to Reiser.

“How do you deal with respectable male authority figures again? I forgot.” Between all the bullshit the Empire threw my way, and the fact there wasn’t a man amongst Roseanne’s Kindred who had both soft and hard power, I forgot how to deal with powerful men in authority. Kurama’s father had been more of a courtesan, even if his exploits got him a lot of favor, he didn’t exactly command armies. He didn’t have the ability to get me executed, either. “Are you supposed to act like a wimp, or are you actually supposed to have a spine?”

“…My lord, you represent Lady Roseanne, the Demon Lord. You must act in accordance to your station. Show the Pharaohs the same courtesy that Lady Roseanne would show in their place.” Reiser struggled to provide me with the advice I requested, but she did it for a good reason. She was making sure that I was listening and stared at me earnestly. It was a bit creepy, honestly. “Perhaps, it would be best to ask Lady Tanis or Lady Kurama instead of myself? They surely know more about this matter than I.”

“On the way there, maybe. I’m feeling pretty tired, so I just might take a nap instead, though.” I waved aside Reiser’s concerns. She immediately became very flustered and a light dusting of red stretched across her face. It was almost nostalgic to see her blush as she did. That wasn’t the case because I felt no affection whatsoever for the circumstances we'd first met in. It was hard to miss an endless, desperate battleground. “What do you think, A’Bel? Should I go out of my way to be polite and courteous?”

“My dear summoner, I’m unsure whether you even know the meaning behind those two words.”

“I thought our contract said that you couldn’t try to kill me?”

A’Bel chuckled a little at our exchange, while I decided to get off the lounging chair that I sat on. Servants were upon me immediately, but Kunoichi stepped in their way… to brush down the wrinkles on my outfit themselves. The exhibitionists wearing only gold dust on their bodies were more touchy-feely than the servants, but they did the job and disappeared after saving me from being touched by strangers. I mean, I still got groped, but I guess it was with Kindred I knew.

Huh.

Was I getting desensitized to lewdness?

Well… that’s terrifying… and Future!Hachiman’s problem, because I had other things to worry about.

“So… what can we offer as a gift to someone who has everything they could ever want?” Kurama oversaw handling diplomacy, so my question was born out of curiosity. I’d signed off on the ship’s cargo, my eyes ballooned a bit at the price tags, but Roseanne was footing the bill so I just pushed it into the back of my mind to be forgotten. However, even with my limited attention span and free time, I was able to discern that the Pharaohs were leagues ahead of Roseanne’s people in terms of valuable goods. “Any ideas, A’Bel?”

“If not for your strong resistance to trading in flesh, I would say they’d be selling the Pharaohs men. Even with a stable, strong population of men of their own, they would still prefer to have more.” A’Bel shooed away the attendants after they placed the last piece of jewelry upon her. The incredibly tall Demon looked incredibly… out of place clad only in pure white and bright, yellow gold. It clashed quite a bit with the slightly blue hue on her pale skin, even though her black hair suited it well. Oh, and the demonic eyes blazing with power and hellfire didn’t match with the style, either. “Hmmm, if I had to guess, I believe it would be a few of the more novel items you’ve produced. The new wardrobe for men and women you introduced in Ylstu is quite fashionable, despite your insistence, my dear summoner.”

“Style is for the rich. I wanted cheap, affordable clothes so no one had an excuse to be naked.” I grumbled at the shot at my fashion sense. “I can be fashionable. Hell, I look good in my usual clothes. It’s just more important to be practical.”

“If the Driders hadn’t decided you’d given them blank slates to pour their own skills into, Ylstu would be covered in drab clothing bereft of any elegance and appeal… which was your plan from the start, no?”

“Oi, reading my mind during snarking is unfair.”

“Heh, my apologies, my dear summoner.”

I grumbled and cast my gaze out my guest villa’s patio onto an immense desert filled with shifting sands and reddish, sand-blasted plateaus. It was hard to believe that a powerful, ancient Empire lived within it. It looked dead and desolate… not a world power on the brink of civil war, despite achieving something close to utopia.

We had some time to spare before we left, and I was starting to feel nervous, so I swallowed my concerns and refocused my energies. I turned to both Reiser and A’Bel.

“Alright, let’s make something happen before we leave.” I wracked my brain for knick-knacks and things that I could use to get into a Pharaoh’s good graces. Thankfully, I knew a few things that men liked, because I was a man myself. More importantly, I was a man from modern Japan… which went out of its way to make up a lot of contrived ways to distract its male population from terrible working conditions and social pressure. I had a few ideas as to some new experiences that a Pharaoh would like, but it’d take some magic and quite a few attempts to make even one of them happen. “We’re going to make a one-of-a-kind gift for the Pharaoh right now.”

I usually had a personal rule to not make things solely out of magic, since it’d be detrimental to Ylstu’s growth, but I figured that I could let that rule slide, since I was literally about to meet with a man who had everything he could ever want.

…

Kurama peered over my shoulder by placing her chin on it and pressing herself against my back.

“What’s this, Hachiman?” We were on one of the flying boats already and heading over the Pharaoh. The one we were given were larger than the ones we saw before. It was more luxurious too, with cushioned seats and a staff of twelve tending to my entire entourage and our Anubis hostess. It was an hour-long trip by air to our destination, which apparently made a full meal necessary. I abstained in favor of getting my little project done. “It looks quite interesting.”

“Something to pass the time that doesn’t involve sleeping, eating, or fucking.” I figured that the Pharaoh had a lot of administrative duties, but plenty of time for himself.  If I had a long life ahead of me, I’d want a few things to entertain myself. What better way to do that than recreation of an old, classic game? “These toys are designed to let two people play against one another with pieces and luck.”

Infantry, cavalry, and artillery pieces in set numbers to be used against one another on a surface. Each one moved a set amount every turn and could attack once that turn too. It was my best approximation of a turn-based strategy game. Some enchanted dice were linked to the pieces, with higher values letting their hits connect and lower values making them miss. With the hardware and software handled by Reiser and A’Bel, I was mostly focused on handling the balance.

And what better way to do that than playing it against someone else?

“Take a seat. We’ll play a small game.” I spoke and Kurama moved. I gathered a few blocks of infantry and divided it between us. She had five blocks and I had the same. “Make a formation or come up with a way to overpower my forces. We have the same units at our disposal, so everything that matters is tactics and fortune being on your side.”

“I see.” Kurama’s brow furrowed upon at her blocks. The infantry blocks were just wood blocks with two spears crossed over a shield. Their purpose was to counter cavalry, get murdered by artillery, and get bogged down by their own, fellow blocks without support. “Then, I will arrange my troops as thus, my husband.”

Kurama made a staggered fighting line with two of the right wing of her infantry a space ahead of the rest. If I assaulted with a straight line, two of her infantry blocs could fall on mine. The damage they could deal at that time, before the units started fighting one another, could lead to one of my units dying and giving her a brief numbers advantage. That brief advantage would tilt the battle in her favor, unless I had an answer for it.

Which was a jagged formation. Three in front with a space in between each with the other two behind those spaces.

Kurama frowned as she came to a realization.

“These blocks can attack from any side. That is… difficult to achieve in pitched battle my dear husband.”

“Not with a force disciplined and trained enough.” I countered her argument as she frowned at her own formation. If she mimicked my formation, then it would just be a battle of luck with two lines forming as all our units fell into one another. If she kept her slightly staggered formation, then one of her units could fall into a gap and be beset from three sides at once. “Besides, there are other things to complain about than that. These guys won’t route, they won’t lose strength even when their health is halved, and they’ll follow the orders you give without question. All of that’s more unbelievable, isn’t it?”

“…That is true…” Kurama took a moment, but nodded and sighed. She looked at her pieces again before shaking her head and swallowing her pride. “Then, unless I rearrange my formation, It is likely that I will lose. The odds are either with you or with neither of us.”

For a second, I thought about just letting it end with that. Kurama got the gist of my gift and had her curiosity sated. The pout on her face, as she revealed the fact she didn’t like losing, was kinda cute, too. Overall, I could’ve left things at that and let it all just fade away.

“So, will you concede the battle before you even fought, or are you going to try to win?” I didn’t expect to ask such a personal question off a silly game that I was having built. However, it was as fine a moment as any to ask Kurama the question, since she would be in command if something happened to me. “If a force equal to Ylstu approached from the horizon, in a better position and formation than you, would you just give up without a fight?”

“!!!” Kurama’s eyes widened and she took a sharp intake of breath. My words seemed to hit her harder than I intended as she trembled before me. She struggled to answer as she looked at the pieces between the two of us like evidence that condemned her to death. “N-no! Absolutely not! I would fight with all I had to the bitter end!”

Kurama’s eyes bore into mine, pleading with me to accept her words.

It took me a moment to recover from her explosive reaction. Most of the ship turned our way with how loud she spoke and more stares came upon us as Kurama trembled in place. Instead of a powerful Kindred who controlled Ylstu with me, the nine-tailed Kitsune looked incredibly weak and fragile before me.

Huh.

Apparently, with a single question, I can look like some sort of unforgiving, emotionless tyrant to the people I worked with.

It felt… kinda unpleasant… so I cleared up the situation with a shake of my head.

“Well, I don’t want you to do that. Retreating and conceding land is always preferable when a battle isn’t going your way. It’s better to fight another day than die and not win.” I made sure to speak loudly enough for everyone to hear. Kurama’s reputation was something I had a personal stake in maintaining. She did good work in Ylstu and I didn’t want anyone not doing what she told them to. “You chose the right move by conceding this fight, Kurama. I would’ve done the same. A battle avoided is a battle won.”

I spouted off a little Sun Tzu at the end there, which somehow got stuck in my head from somewhere back in my world… and I regretted it the moment it left my mouth.

Awe.

Respect.

Horniness.

All three of those things suddenly filled the gazes of just about every Kindred on the airship… and Reiser wasn’t spared from it either. I froze up beneath the stares of my entire entourage, the servants on the ship, and the Anubis, before I managed to clear my throat and take my pieces off the surface of the ship.

I did my best to ignore Kurama’s bright blush and heaving chest and motioned for her to take her pieces and begin coming up with a new formation.

Note to self: being a good, constructive, and well-learned to Kindred flips every student/teacher button in their fetish-filled brains.

I didn’t need to save the from bullies, save their social lives, or be their sole supporter in the entire school.

I just needed to treat them with respect, explain the concept thoroughly, and praise them for trying… and that absolutely, positively, and instantly put me in the danger zone.

Thankfully, since everyone knew that we were going to be meeting with one of the highest authorities of the land, they couldn’t do anything perverted to me.

Right?

They couldn’t, right?

Right!?