Journals of a Murderous Fiend (Toko Fukawa/Genocide Syo TG) (Patreon)

Day 1:

I really have to do this huh? Writing my thoughts all down in a journal like I'm a teenage girl with her diary. This isn’t going to help the bullying. The doctors said it would help "gather my thoughts" or some shit but I'm still not buying it. Sounds too stupid to work.

They said I had to write my name and stuff down, in case they want to check all this later, so may as well get that out of the way. I'm Tom. Tom Fuller. I'm a high schooler. Got some nice friends. Few crushes. Pretty average really. I've never been good at summing myself up in words.

I like reading, I guess? Writing especially. Got some romance novel ideas and drafts on my hard drive. None of this 50 shades BDSM bullshit though. Actual functioning relationships! I'm sure people will love them, and should be pretty cathartic when I hit it big after all the bullying of “boy writing girl shit" stuff.

I didn't need to write any of that. But I'm stuck with this book because of the blackouts. They came and went a ton when I was younger, periods of unconsciousness at seemingly random moments. It went away for years, but now it’s back and recently they've not just been getting worse, but they're starting to last longer too. It doesn’t help that my body keeps feeling low on energy even when I've only just woken up.

It's hardly the best time for this to happen with exams and all. But this was all they could recommend. Seriously!? How useless can you be? They do have a point though. If I am out of it I can use this as a reference to make sure everything's fine.

I have some studying to do now, but I'm supposed to close this off with something interesting or some shit. Apparently there was this gruesome murder in my apartment building a few floors down. I didn’t know the guy too well, but it’s pretty fucked up. Even made the news or something, police think it could be a new serial killer. I hope not. I've got enough to deal with as is.

Day 2:

Not much happened today. School went fine. Got some brutal tests, not even any blackouts. That's always good.

Only thing I can think of saying is I found this weird mark on my thigh? It's a straight line. Probably just a bruise or something. Maybe these blackouts were just a phase?

Day 3:

Nope. Fuck me, had to jinx it. Woke up exhausted and super early. Wasn't even in bed. Must have passed out while studying, my desk was a fucking mess. Had to put away a ton of pencils, erasers, and scissors. Lot of scissors. Must have knocked them over or something. Knew it was a bad idea to buy a ton because they were on sale last summer…

But I was really out of it that morning. I swore my coat was hung up last night but it was thrown in the wash all clean now. Not sure why; it’s been really warm lately, and I haven’t worn it for weeks. I was still wearing my shoes as well. Guess it's a good thing I have somewhere to collect my thoughts after all.

After that the day just kinda dragged. Everything just made me more on edge and crowds were hardly the best way to combat that. It's times like this I envy my friends with their normal sleep secludes.

Nothing else happened at school at least, outside of running into that asshole Conner. You'd think after all these years he would find something better to do than make fun of some boy that wanted to write romance. Had another blackout for a few minutes in the library as well, so that sucked.

But there wasn't anything really strange until I got changed for bed. Sure there was work to do and all, but I was just too tired to do any. But that bruise I saw yesterday. There's another line going though it now! I'm certain there was only one when I checked yesterday, and it even says so in here! I guess I hit something else today then? I might have scratched myself on the door frame earlier…

My thighs seemed off as well, a bit more weighty, bouncy, I guess the bruises are making them swell a bit, should have calmed down by the morning.

Day 4:

Note to self. Stop fucking jinxing things! My thighs are even bigger now! They bulged out a ton and keep fucking brushing against my cock and I guess it feels nice. But that isn't how bruises work right?

I had the day off today, which gave me some time to catch up with the work I skipped last night. But something else happened that was a bit off when I opened my bag. There were these magazines in there, the ones the school library kept stocking up. One was some glossy girl chat magazine with some photo of a rich-looking prick on it, and the other was a newspaper, the front page reporting a murder that looked almost identical to the one in my apartment building the other day, only it took place a few blocks away.

Some scissors were also in there. But I think they just fell in when I left it open.

Oh now that I look at it, the newspaper is yesterday's edition, how did it get in my bag? Did I knock it in when I blacked out? No wait, I blacked out on the other end of the library. Maybe I should go back to the doctors. These blackouts are becoming a problem. I haven't exercised nearly as much as I used to, my muscles aren't in the best shape. But I don't want to blackout and slam into the pavement... maybe I'll take a risk tomorrow.

Blacked out a few times too, one time when I was on my phone, although I was probably out of it since it was on the desk when I recovered. Probably nothing.

Day 5:

What am I doing when I'm asleep? I woke up with my duvet barely covering me, my body laid in odd angles and generally just feeling really off. The curtains and even window were open, probably since I was in such a hurry to get to bed last night.

My body didn't seem to have rested at all, aching and tired like it still needed more sleep, so I decided to sleep in after shutting the window and curtains. That helped at least, finally giving me some energy to get through the day.

It only got worse after that though; when I woke up again my eyesight was just total garbage all of a sudden! Everything was blurry, and I could barely make out anything around me! Let alone read anything without squinting. Had to ring up the opticians and head down there to see what's up.

It was a shame that the hairdressers were shut today. I couldn't make it out very well, but my hair seemed super messy and I guess we reached the period when it starts getting darker because of the weather? I passed some police tape in the city centre too, near one of my favourite book stores. I found out later it was that serial killer again; I’m surprised the police haven't caught them yet.

But after I went down, they said I needed glasses now! Not only that, but based on the results, they said I should have gotten them ages ago! I tried to tell them that this had only started today but they said I had to be wrong. I guess if they were getting slowly bad I wouldn't notice or something, but it still isn't feeling right. Do eyes work like that?

I wish they could have gotten some less nerdy-looking ones though. They make my eyes look way too wide, even the colour looking off in those big frames. Oh well, at least I can see again. I'm writing this now after working for a bit. This seat feels more comfy, one of the few positives I can say happened today.

But man, if I thought my muscles were in shit shape yesterday, they're almost gone today! My arms look like they've barely worked out at all! I have PE tomorrow though, that should help build them back up.

Also guess I bruised myself again when I couldn't see right. There's another line going through that bruise on my thigh, and it's a little bigger again. Hope nobody comments on them, they seem really noticeable now.

No blackouts today though, at least they didn't make it worse.

Day 6:

I take it all back. Something really weird is happening and it's actually starting to freak me out. I guess I should go through it in order. I didn't wake up in bed, I woke up in the living room! On the floor! I know. I know I didn't sleep there. Why would I!? Who sleeps on the floor?

Then as soon as I got up and panicked, I blacked out again and was in my bed! What the hell? Am I sleepwalking or some shit? I should lock my door tonight just to make sure. So that was bad enough, but then I realised how behind I was on my romance stories work, which really didn't help.

My hair is still too long, if not longer than before, and it sort of looks purple in the light now. It's strange. The glasses are also making the rest of my face look way less imposing, almost smaller and softer, with a small black dot under my lip.

Like I said, I was out of it.

I also had less muscle too, pretty much none of it visible on my frame anymore, something I thought would be solved by PE today.

It went shit.

My stamina was crap. My endurance has gone through the shitter. And these stupid glasses just made everything even worse to deal with. They kept falling off and I could barely do anything and parts of me just felt too large while others were just too small and-

I don't know why I'm writing this all down. Point is, it sucked. And Conner was there the whole time to make me feel even more worthless. The prick. It was like my body was completely different, unsuitable for all this running. (That's a bit far, I'm slimmer and have less muscles but I can fix that eventually.)

Had a blackout when working out too, after seeing someone cut their thumb, I could never stand the sight of blood. The boys looked at me a bit weirdly when I recovered, and apparently I swore at Conner or something? Really odd.

That wasn't everything though, I went to the library before the end of the day to see if I could return those magazines without anyone noticing. I didn't since the librarian caught me, but then she said that she saw me put those magazines in my bag yesterday.

I didn't though. I really didn't! I don't get it! I might have blacked out again after that. Next thing I knew I was heading back home, with a new edition of the paper in my hand. I must have taken it without thinking again.

And speaking of deja wu, that serial killer got the headlines again, they finally got a name for her. A nickname sure, but it was good to actually have one. "Genocide Jack" might be a bit on the nose, but it works. Not that I care of course.

But now I'm finally home, writing this journal before I head to bed, with too long hair and too purple eyes and aching hips. I just hope things can go back to normal soon. One final weird thing to top this all off though, but there's another book in my bag from the library. Jekyll and Hyde of all things. Guess today wouldn't be complete without another random curveball. Really hoping I can have a normal tomorrow.

Day 7:

Today was worse. It was so much worse. I'm seriously thinking I'm going to have to call the doctors tomorrow and have another check-up. I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore. I didn't wake up in bed. Again. This time I was asleep on my chair of all things.

Everything was wrong. My glasses were already on with my normal going out clothes too, while my shoes were haphazardly thrown across the floor. At first I thought I'd gone drinking or something, getting so hungover I'd forgotten the whole night.

But I'm certain. I'm certain I went to sleep as normal. That I went to bed like every other night. It adds more evidence to sleepwalking theory at least. That's what I thought until I found a lump in my pocket, and found my fucking door key!

I have no idea how sleepwalking works, but there was no way that I was able to make my way out of the door and then open it! Am I feeling so tired every night since I’m going out of the apartment? How did I make my way back all the time?

Not only that, but my pants are way too tight now. My hips have stopped aching, but now it's a bitch to get anything on them! They feel too wide and my thighs are too big and my ass seems way more bouncy now and it's just weird! I have to be imagining it; it's probably since there's another bruise there; I should get those checked too.

I'm really on edge now. I'm scared. I can’t tell my friends, they would just think I'm crazy and say I look ugly and why should they believe an ugly person they hated all along!

Wow that all came out then. I really am reaching the end of my rope here.

I did some more work on romance brainstorming later, but guess who showed up? Conner. Said he hadn't forgotten me insulting him yesterday when I don’t even remember it. He tore into me, calling me an ugly pig. Saying that my hair looked awful, my glasses made me look nerdy and I'm not a “real man”  just because I like romance and very rudely accused me of trying to look like a girl.

I almost lost it, pulling something out of my bag and finding... scissors, which I pointed at him out of instinct. He just laughed and walked away but. Why did I instinctively move my hand towards the compartment filled with scissors? I'm not a violent person but at that moment, I just wanted to… hurt him. Did I knock those scissors in the other day and miss them though? No, I was pretty sure I cleared them all out until now.

Then how did they get in there?

He did have a point though. (Not the stuff he said about trans people of course, I hope someone punches him for those.) I am looking a bit more girly now that someone's pointed it out, the lack of muscle and the way my glasses make my face look more feminine really help.

Only one blackout today, when I was sitting in break, it didn't last long and didn't cause much trouble, finally. But it's clear those are the source of the problem. I need to book a doctor's appointment tomorrow and get these sorted once and for all. There should be a perfectly logical explanation for all of this, and then I can move on from these for good. Wishing myself luck I guess.

Oh and since I happened to mention it in my other entries, may as well mention that there was another Genocide Jack case last night, a bit further away than the others. Would be good if they could catch that maniac soon.

Day 8:

ohmygodohmygodwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckWHATTHEFUCK

What just happened. What just happened. What the actual fuck just happened.

I don't know what just happened. I must be in some kind of nightmare. I have to be. This isn't real. This isn't real. I-if I write it enough, maybe I'll be right.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck, it's real, it's real. How. How did this happen!?

I woke up. I woke up standing up. I woke up standing in an alleyway, covered with blood, with scissors in my hand and A FUCKING DEAD BODY STRUNG UP IN FRONT OF ME.

It was Conner. It was Conner's body, displayed just like the Genocide Jack cases, the "BLOODLUST" written next to it and everything. I was almost sick, the sudden blackout the only thing stopping me as next thing I knew I was in bed.

But how was I supposed to go back to sleep after that? I tried to convince myself that it wasn't real, but the news the next day confirmed it. Conner was the latest victim.

B-but what did this mean? Did I just find the body in my sleep? Did I bump into the killer in my sleep, get blood splattered and they left the scissors in my hands? I say that, but the scissors are mine. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. W-what if I'm-

No. No, I can't even think that. That didn't make sense. It doesn't work at all. I just need to nap and clear my head. I already called school off for today, and said I wasn't feeling well. Wasn't a total lie. Signing out, napping now. I really hope this is just a bad dream.

You weren't supposed to see that.

So forget what you saw. K?

Day 8: (after nap)

W-where... where did this writing come from? I woke up with the journal right in front of me and that message written in jagged, uneven handwriting. I couldn't have written it. There's no way I could have. It just doesn't add up. So where did this come from?

That wasn't the only strange thing I've found though; I didn't realise it until now, but my body is definitely changing. It's clearly just... different. My face really is smaller. I really am slimmer. My ass, thighs, and hips look more like a girl’s and my hair is longer and just…

What's happening to me?

I'm scared. I'm constantly on edge. I swear I can't even say a word without stammering a little. Even my cock is smaller! I'm sure of it! I'm not crazy! I have small breasts! What does that have to do with anything? I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHAT THE FUCK IS-

Fine. I'll take it from here.

First of all, I have no idea if you're oblivious or just plain stupid. Seriously!? Fucking bruises!? Glasses making your face look more girly!? The seat feels more comfy today!? Props for keeping me entertained though! This journal has been the funnest fucking thing to read all week! KYAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yes I just wrote my own laugh, you can shut it. I suppose I may as well explain some things now. I didn't have a name until the other day, when the papers started calling me Genocide Jack! So that's what I'm going to stick with. Nice to meet you. No, that doesn't work. Nice to be mutually aware of each other's existence seems much more fitting!

Here's the deal, you let me do my thing and I'll leave you alone to do... whatever you do. Ok? Ok. Guess that sorts everything. Ciao!

Day 9:

I can finally bring myself to write in this, after spending all of yesterday being goddamn terrified.

I blacked out midway through writing the last entry and now another has appeared. In the same handwriting. By a serial killer. A serial killer that I think is in my head. What am I going to-

You didn't get that the last time!? Oh my god! I literally told you! I fucking took that book from the library! What else did you think Jekyll and Hyde was implying?!

That was you!? Why did you get the magazines again!? Wait, this appeared when I blacked out again! What?! So I black out when-

When I come out to play~? Sure do moron! The blackouts are just when I want to have control of the body. Took me fucking years to get the hang of doing it at will. Takes a ton of mental energy too. But yeah the magazines were me. Wanted to have a look at how the papers were covering my nights out. Oh and the guy in the gossip magazine is cute.

Years? How long have you-

Since always! What, do you think a second personality forms overnight? I used to be able to switch back and forth when we were kids all the time. But I think the constant scolding made it so you put up mental barriers without realising. Bummer.

I remember. The teachers kept saying I used to have anger issues. Playing with scissors. Suddenly turning violent. Harassing other boys. But I never remembered doing that. I thought I just repressed the thoughts since I was a violent kid but… that was you?

Sure was! A girl had to have fun in that shitty school somehow.

Ugh all these blackouts are giving me a fucking headache... but I'm not a girl! I might look like one now, but I'm not! I'm a guy! You should be one too!

Nonono! I always knew I was a girl moron! You might be a boy sure, but I know my own fucking gender! These changes are fucking amazing! Now that I have half the control of our body, I guess my mind is sorta bleeding into our body somehow? Since I have more of a presence I assume it's just changing to better fit my preferences. About fucking time too!

Anyways, these constant blackouts are getting annoying for me as well. I'll stop for a bit and come back later. Unless you faint or sneeze. They trigger it by themselves. Now that I'm stronger, I can naturally take control as soon as that happens. Buh bye!

Day 10:

I can't cope with this! I really really can't. There's a cross in the scar on my thigh now. I know what they are. Killing marks. The body count of Jack. There's even another row now.

I have breasts now. My voice is totally girly and I look nothing like myself anymore; for all purposes, Tom is dead. I barely even feel like myself anymore. I used to be confident and sure of myself. But now I feel as meek as a mouse.

I'm a monster. I'm a disgusting monster. I don't deserve to even exist. I-I... I don't know what to do. Jack's influence has changed so much of me, only my cock is left to show I even used to be a guy. That will be gone by tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do? I can't stay in this school. I can't walk the same halls Conner did knowing that I-

Hold up. Hold up. Hold the fuck up! Are you kidding me!? That fucker had it coming! I almost took control of you myself to finish him off then and there! He was the worst! I mean, did you hear what he said? I don't usually share memories with you, but just hearing them made me want to end him! He made us, and who knows how many others, miserable. He wasn't a cute boy though, shame. I'll need to make sure the rest are from now on~.

No! Nononononono! You're not doing anymore killing! This stops now! I won-

You'll do what? No, seriously. What are you going to do? I've let you parade around here for ages doing what you want. But as soon as I finally get a turn you want to stop me!? Oh fuck off with that!

BUT I DON'T WANT TO KILL PEOPLE. I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T- I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK YOU

But that's the funny part! You do want to! I'm part of you! I'm all the anger. All the desires. All the bad little thoughts you put in that little box and hide away. But you can't hide it anymore. You can't sweep me under the rug anymore. So do me a solid. Quit whining and let me live my fucking life!

I don't want to do this anymore. B-but maybe I can- no. I'll just go to school tomorrow, maybe things will get better? I might be meek and on edge. But that's no reason to stop, I-I have friends! This will be fine.

Day 11:

Oh haha. Very funny other me. I have no idea where the fuck you got those chains and handcuffs from, but let me tell you, those were a bitch to get myself out of. Didn't stop my fun though! So try and have fun at school today! KYAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fuckfuckfuckfuck, i-it didn't fucking work, it didn't fucking work!

I made sure not to write about it so that bitch wouldn't know and it still didn't work! She got out. Nothing I set up did anything! I don't even need to look at my thigh again to know another mark is there.

This is a nightmare. An awful, neverending nightmare. School was awful. I'm a wreck, everyone knows it. Everyone hates me. I-I mean of course they do! I'm an ugly nerdy girl! Those guys must be looking at me with disgust. I get it! It's hard to believe something so unattractive exists, after all someone with something so twisted inside can never be seen as beautiful.

I jump at the smallest of sounds, I flinch at even the sight of anything sharp, all I can think about is her, or what she would do if she had them. My friends didn't even know it was me at first. Apparently I even look Japanese now. But I can sense the glares from them, they hate me too now, I don't know what I did but they hate me.

But that's fine! I don't need those muscle heads anyways! I never cared about them in the first place! That's right!

My cock isn't gone yet. But it's barely half its size. Might have to... well... do something with it before it goes.

Day 12:

No comments this time Jack? What, do you hate me now too? Do you not talk to girls!?

I didn't appreciate you taking control in what was meant to be private either! Or that fucking video on my phone! A fucking rickroll!? What are you, twelve!?

Oh shut it! Snarky doesn't suit you bitch! Being lewd doesn't either! What, was I supposed to let you leave me out of the fun?

Well, I hope you're not expecting anything else! I-it's gone now! This body is finally a-an awful ugly girl! You must be so happy.

Ecstatic! Anyways, have anything else to ask me girly? Or do you just enjoy talking to yourself?

You killed two people tonight. I saw it in the news. Y-you're not going to stop, are you?

Not even going to dignify that with an answer? I don't know what else I expected. But fine. I won't stop you. I really won't. On one condition. We move. We go far far far away from here. Japan or something. That way those stupid posers and me-hating family won't get dragged into this. No, what am I saying! I have to stop you! I can't let you-

Ohhhhhhhh Japan? I think that's where that beloved rich guy lives! And sooooooo many other cute boys! That's it! We're going! I always felt more like a Japanese girl at heart you know?

W-wait no you c-can-

Oh I can handle it! Don't worry! I'll even fake Tom Fuller's death for you! Then nobody can follow us! We're going to hit it big time!

N-NO WAIT I D-DIDN'T

Day 58:

I'm honestly surprised I still have this.

It's weird to be writing in English again after so long. That's a part of me I thought died when I woke up on a boat to Japan.

Jack had been busy. Fake passport, New ID, setting my place on fire with most of my belongings to fake my death. She barely kept anything I cared about. Wonder why she brought this. Maybe she enjoys rereading it? I don't know. We don't really… talk much anymore.

She's still here. I know she is. I keep up with the reports, just to remind myself. They call her Genocide Syo here instead of Jack though. They assume it's just a high school student that took inspiration from the American cases judging by the papers.

I'm finding it harder to shower and bathe lately at the sight of that fucking scar on my thigh. But I can control myself more now; she can't take control of me while I'm sleeping anymore. Probably since she used all the mental power she had to take control of me for so long before the move. But now she can only take over if I sneeze or pass out, and that's thankfully much less common. I hope that sticks. I really do.

Of course, it doesn't stop me from being paranoid. Settling into this new life. As Toko Fukawa. A Japanese high schooler writing romance novels. Nobody will ever get close enough to me to know anything more than that. I have to make sure of that. It helps that they all hate me. The ugly, disgusting girl. They should hate me. I don't deserve their kindness.

That girl was different though. That… Makoto's (I think that was his name) sister who meets him after class. She had a nice smile and if I was still a guy I would totally

No can't think like that, she would hate me too.

At least Jack somehow willed me into knowing Japanese as well, that's the one time she was helpful. Fuck, even writing in here is getting me emotional. I don't even want to remember Tom anymore, like it or not, I don't even call myself that anymore. I think I'm starting to get used to this.

I'm being dragged to some party by that Makoto's sister though, it will be nice to be near her at least. Just got to make sure Jack doesn't take control.

This will be my last entry. I'm not going to dwell on the past anymore; the least I can do is just try and move forward and keep fighting, doing all I can to s-stop her whenever I can.

But I promise I'll never let Genocide Jack take control for good.