Patreon Newsletter #6 (Patreon)

This is Matt, I've taken over the reigns of the Patreon Newsletter as our small, sympathising, tiny tooshed friend Dave Warneke has dropped the ball over the Christmas/New Years period. In his defense, it has been very hot her in Melbourne... but enough excuses, the newsletter is back AND BETTER THAN EVER.

Or at least AND THE SAME AS EVER... consistency is a virtue in the newsletter game.

I've just arrived back from a week of shows in Perth, Western Australia (around 3,000 km from Melbourne and the most isolated capital city in the world, as featured in this timeless Fear Factory film clip from www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-HEtZHJjc )

It was a super fun time and quite a few Do Go On listeners came along to the shows, which was a huge thrill for me. As expected, they made the best audience members too, getting my highly intelligent material...

While I was over there, I DJ'd the Silent Disco a couple of times. If you don't know what that is, it's a party where everyone is listening to music via special headphones which can be switched between different channels so you can choose which DJ you want to listen to. Depending on the channel they listened to the headphones would light up a different colour. 

That feels like a shithouse explanation, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

MATT’S TOP FIVE 

I thought I'd do my top 5 this week based on Silent Disco... My colour was blue, and here are the top 5 tracks that got the dance floor glowing blue:

5. Ace of Spades - Motorhead

4. Crazy in Love - Beyonce

3. Hey Ya - Outkast

2. Theme From New York, New York - Frank Sinatra

1. I'll Be There For You - The Rembrants

What a weird mix of tunes... anyway, it was  heaps of fun! 

TALK TO THE TOOSH, with DAVE WARNEKE

Guy’s I’m sorry to say I’ve got a fever… TENNIS FEVER!  

We just had the Australian Open here in Melbourne, and boy did I jump on the band wagon this year. I cancelled my plans just to stay home on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night to watch the Semi Finals and Finals on a projector. SO THEY WERE LIFE SIZED! Uncle Grant, if you’re somehow reading this - I’m sorry I said I had diarrhoea and couldn’t come to your birthday. But it was Serena and Venus Williams in the final. I know your lasagne is good, but SERENA AND VENUS! Surely you understand.    

I used to play tennis when I was in early high school and I sucked… Imagine my tiny, tiny hands trying to grip a racquet. I was a bad loser (and I lost a lot) and I even once smashed a racquet. Except, unlike professional players I only had the one racquet and had to keep playing with it.   

During my five-year career I did manage to “win” two trophies. One was essentially a participation award that one of the parents had made when we didn’t even make the finals. They just handed them out at an Italian family restaurant we visited after our final game. The other trophy is a figure of a man holding a tennis racquet, except the racquet has broken off so now it just looks like a man standing on a podium, like I won the award for “BEST MAN.” Both of them are still two of my prize possessions.   

I’m feeling rather smug because all tournament people had written off my two favourite players Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer… But I never gave up hope that they could come good again. And then when they made the final I said I would be happy for either to win as long as they went to five sets and it did. So I am happy. And smug. And now believe in The Secret. If you ask you shall receive. So I have asked the Universe for fish and chips for lunch. I also asked the owner of the fish and chip shop that I just rung, so I’m confident I will get it.   

Federer and Nadal have had such a great rivalry over the years, and I think that’s the key to their success. I contend that if I had had a rival, then I would be a tennis champion today. The only rival I have right now is my girlfriend who is my nachos rival. We both compete to get the cheesiest chips and my strategy is to stuff as many in my mouth as possible. GAME SET MATCH!   

I’m off to play totem tennis as a warm up for the French Open. 

THE TURN WITH JESS ‘BOP’ PERKINS 

Hi Gang!  I'm at work at the moment, very verrryyy bored. My friend Katie and I are sitting next to each other and just chatting, and she was telling me that she's going home to New Zealand this week to see her family. And she's excited because she and her sister are going to go see Panic! At The Disco, who she has loved since she was 12.  

She told me about the time she met them because her friend won 'Meet and Greet' tickets. OMG SO EXCITING RIGHT?  Well Katie got so excited that as soon as they got into the line, she started crying hysterically. To the point that a security guard told her she needed to stop because she was making him uncomfortable (weird thing to say to a kid).  

She was so overwhelmed and excited that she couldn't bring herself to actually speak to the band as they signed stuff and took photos with her. All she managed to say, through tears right at the very end of their meeting, was ".... this is better than my wedding!" (Which is a weird thing for a kid to say)  

Once I had stopped laughing at Katie, I admitted that I could sympathise with her level of fandom.  When I was 15 I was obsesssedddd with Tripod, a musical comedy group from Melbourne. I loved them so much. I used to send them emails from my High School email and they would reply and I would lose my mind. I had their albums, went to their shows, watched the TV series they were on, I had posters and t-shirts and pictures of them in my locker. (I guess it makes sense that I ended up being a comedian)  

Anyway, at all of their live shows, I was too terrified to speak to them. I would like up to buy merch with my money from working some crap after-school job, and I would be so excited. And then I'd get to the front of the line and go mute. I'd just stare at them, smile awkwardly if they looked at me and grab my merch and run. 

It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I managed to talk to them. And even then I was super weird and made one of them sign my forehead. MY FOREHEAD.  Recently one of the members of Tripod was in the audience at a gig I did and I still didn't have the courage to talk to him.  But hey, at least I didn't yell "THIS IS BETTER THAN MY WEDDING!"

LIVE SHOWS

We're so excited to be doing our first live shows at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival! If you can get down it'd be amazing to see you there. All $10+ subscibers get one free ticket (get in touch to reserve one) and everyone else we're running a 20% discount this week with the code #keenforpeen on check out. You can get season passes too!
www.trybooking.com/OJIV 

Well that's it for this week's newsletter, it'll be back again next week (assuming you want it to be!)

Cheers, and Jess will have a brand new episode out in less than two days!

Much Love,

Do Go On