Harry Potter Critique Script (Patreon)

Hello. My name is Funk McLovin. I've decided to take a break from my other projects to work on something that I've been thinking about for a while. All of my ongoing stuff is still going to get finished, but I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while.

JK Rowling. We all know she's a shithead. She's the self-proclaimed TERF who's single handedly disproving that cancel culture is an effective mechanism. Even still, a lot of people still enjoy the Harry Potter books and media, and why not? They're a nostalgic piece of the Millennial collective consciousness. The author is dead, right?

Wrong.

Harry Potter is a fucked up book series. It was written by a woman who didn't think through the broader implications of her world and how that reflects on society and her own views. And you know what? It's fun taking that apart, vindictively. If you're not down with that vibe, I understand. If you are, then rub your hands together with gleeful joy, because Mama Funk has THE RECEIPTS.

1. Privilege

I'm going to begin with the least offensive of these issues, one that I think is less of a critique and more of a... Perspective. It surrounds the franchise's titular character, Harry Potter, and it can be summed up by a singular question:

Who IS Harry Potter?

Seriously. In the films and books, he's kind of just... A dude. A guy. In Book 1 he barely speaks. What's his favorite color? What foods does he like? The fella's a blank slate. Now- There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, JKR has probably done the age old trick of creating a generic character which the audience can project onto. A sort of blank slate which anyone can relate with. Or at least- What JKR THINKS is a blank slate.

Because what JKR thinks is a blank slate is kind of weird.

Harry Potter, objectively speaking, is a trust fund jock who went to private school then became a cop working for the same militant, segregationist institution that demonized him, personally, growing up.

Strip away the tragedy of childhood with the Dursleys, and Harry Potter's life begins to look not just charmed but downright lavish. Harry never wants for money, never wants for upward mobility. His friends come from similar means, Hermione from a family of Dentists, a profession that historically is high-income in Britain, and Ron from one of the oldest families in the wizarding world. Sure, the Weasleys SEEM poor, but they own acres of land, a large house, and have the means to raise a family and throw a lavish wedding during what is ostensibly war-time. Their father has a government job and Molly isn't portrayed needing to work.

In other words, JKR has a somewhat warped idea of the average life is like, one that trends towards privilege and wealth. This is why I've always been puzzled as to why people characterize Harry as a "nerd" or "outcast." He wasn't an outcast until the political elements of the last three books, and he's certainly not a nerd. His grades are rather shit. Is it the glasses? The kid got drafted into sports in Year 1 and there was a whole scene in the movies about how much cash his parents left him.

Again, not a critique. I just think it's funny. This next one, though...

2. Slaves

What the fuck is up with Fantasy stories and slavery? Seriously. It's like every fantasy writer simply has to cram in a species that just loves being enslaved. For Doctor Who and Game of Thrones it happens twice- For Doctor Who it's the Ood and the Tivolians, for Game of Thrones it's the Unsullied and Mereenean Slaves. For more examples, look up "Happiness in Slavery" on TV Tropes- Or don't! It's kind of miserable!

For JKR, though, the example, of course, is House Elves. House Elves are, in short, strange. The first one we meet is named Dobby, and he is positioned as an exception to the rule, a House Elf who wants to be free. At first, the idea seems clear- That maybe this is an underclass who is oppressed by the wizards, which would follow the theme of the 2nd book about prejudice- IE Mudbloods vs Purebloods. But it's not. Dobby IS the exception to what seems to otherwise be a hard-and-fast rule, and the other House Elves we meet in the books and movies, Kreacher and Winky, both adore being slaves and wearing sacks. Even Hogwarts's cooks are house elves, ones that are creeped out by Dobby's lust for freedom. 

Not only this, but Hermione, who sees the issue with, uh, slavery, makes a group called the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, which, as you might have guessed, spells SPEW. Like the british word for puke.

Now- Hermione is a smart person. Like, very smart. She's not an idiot savant either, she's portrayed in the books and films as being more interpersonally savvy than Harry and Ron combined, especially book 4. She's smart enough to realize her acronym sucks. So this is a case of the books making a joke at her expense. A joke. About her starting a liberation campaign. For slaves. Hm.

Now. I really hate to do this, viewer, because I respect your intelligence. But let me explain to you why slavery is bad. Slavery is bad because it is unjust to take away another person's free will or forcibly make someone do things they might not want to. It creates a power dynamic that is inherently unjust. Human beings are equal in terms of their right to pursue their own happiness, and slavery impinges on this.

Now, you might be saying, "Well the Elves LIKE it!" and you're right. In the story, they do. The House Elves who work for Hogwarts are implied to be treated very well. But they still get mistreated, like Dobby with the Malfoys, Sirius beating Kreacher, and Winky and Barty Crouch Sr's relationship. They're not treated well. And what happens to House Elves at Hogwarts who disobey? What about wild house elves? Are they just... All slaves? How did they get that way? Were they selectively bred for- Actually? Never mind. Thanks for making me think about that, JK!

Not to mention- In real life, there are no reasons to have like... Slavery happen. "But they like it" was an argument used against real people, real people who were the great-grandparents of people living now. Maybe don't do that?

I get it- There could be some interesting stories to tell about autonomy and what slavery IS and how it might look different with hypothetical different species. But Harry Potter isn't that story. Harry Potter is a story where people make fun of Hermione for wanting to free slaves. Because as it stands, JKR wrote words and arguments into her books, in earnest, that real human people wrote about other human people a century ago.

Ouch.

3. Azkaban

For casual readers of Harry Potter, Azkaban is a small plot point. It's just "wizard jail," and beyond that, there's very little rationalization. But like. Let's do think about it, just for a little bit.

First, what IS Azkaban? Well, it's a prison. It's where the wizard criminals go. It's introduced in Book 2 where Hagrid is sent under suspicion of being the Heir of Slytherin and in Book 3 it's expanded with lore about the Dementors and the fact that there's only been one escape in history to that point. You probably knew this.

Let's chase the implications down, here, though. First of all, Hagrid wasn't sent there for BEING a criminal. He was sent there when he was under SUSPICION. So Azkaban isn't just prison, it's also a holding cell for potential criminals, in Hagrid's case not even awaiting trial, just... A suspect. So, it's an ultra-high security prison where you can be taken without trial. Not great so far.

But the conditions in Azkaban are kind of... Incredibly fucked up. It's hard to overstate HOW fucked up they are. Dementors are the most conceptually upsetting creature in the Harry Potter universe. As Ron puts it in the film, even slight exposure to one made him feel like he would "never be cheerful again." Dementors make their home at Azkaban prison. They're not just THERE, they're like. The staff. They're the wardens. Did I mention they can also eat your soul? They can do that, and presumably do. In the context of Harry Potter, a soul is your eternal life, so Dementors don't just kill people, they SUPER-kill them.

Now, in real life, prison is kind of a hot topic. A lot of people have argued that the prison system we use today doesn't work- Due to things like recidivism, where people who have been imprisoned tend to just commit more crimes upon release, as well as indentured labor done by inmates. I won't get into it- But JKR poses a system that's way worse than the shitty one we have, affecting more people, and no one in the books once critiques this. Not even Hagrid or Sirius. They complain that they were framed, sure, but they offer no systemic critique of how Azkaban runs.

I'm not saying that JKR HAS to make a prison system that is good, in fact, Azkaban could have been an interesting commentary on how fucked up prison is as a concept or demonstrate problems with the ministry for magic. But she doesn't.

Especially in Books 2 and 3, this is posed as a system that is brutal but effective. Even Hermione, who, as I discussed, has a bleeding heart about this stuff, threatens Rita Skeeter that she'll out one of her crimes, being an unregistered shapeshifter, which will net her a stay at Azkaban.

I'm not going to opine about how JKR feels about prisons because I'm not a mind-reader, but her books and the characters in it seem to think Azkaban is a fair system. In fact, after the Dementors betray the ministry and join Voldemort, Azkaban isn't even abolished, it's just... Continued with people as the guards, instead. To be fair, this is an improvement, but like. It doesn't seem like that was a response to criticism from any characters.

So in sum, JKR made the most conceptually upsetting prison systems imaginable and expects us to think it's fair and just, or at the very least, brutal but effective.

=Conclusion

JK. Come here. Listen to me- I know you're watching this. Lean in close.

Why?

Why'd'ja do this? It's not hard to not write slavery into your books. It's not. Look- I'll demonstrate. I'm doing it right now! I'm not writing slavery into a book as we speak. So I have to ask. Why did you write this instead of something, ANNYTHING else? In book 2 Molly Weasly does all her chores with magic, so why did you make the central setting of your books, Hogwarts, participate in slavery? Why did you write in a torture prison? Why didn't you just... Write something other than these things? I mean, it's too late to change this, so I guess it's a moot point. But I just want to know.

This has been Funk McLovin. Like I said, next week it's back to my ongoing projects, so check those out. Special thanks to this month's patrons:

PieEight, Zipperozic, Zach Vincent, KaliedoscopeMediator, Luny Skywalker Tucker, and Jojro. With my Patreon money last month, I paid my electricity bill, so thanks, guys. This isn't a joke. Thanks. If you'd like to support me as well, head over to Patreon. I also have scripts for vids over there and some fun podcasts!

Bye. I love you.