the first death. (Patreon)

{public post} 

hello loves. 

ash experienced his first real death. 

chewie, named after the mighty and noble chewbacca, was a beautiful bunny belonging to our friends down the road who ash got to know and play with as we came out of lockdown here. 

ash has been quiet, strange, moody, and angry all day. we sit with it. we picked different flowers from the yard and ash helped me decorate a stone for her grave. we have spent a lot of time today talking about death and what a funeral is and what happens when somebody dies, and how you need to care for your friends who are really, really sad, and how we don’t make jokes about death or the dead, because it’s mean. 

for the first time in my motherhood, i admitted to my child that i was sad and needed some time to myself. i left ash in bed and went out into the yard and looked north at the sunset and felt my body shaking and giving way a little. i’m at an interesting breaking point right now, feeling so many painful things at once, but also so aware of the growth happening at the cellular level. 

i didn’t used to be aware of the lotuses blooming from the shit in real-time, but nowadays, even in grief and anger and frustration, i can sense it. the growing. the shift. the changing. 

the strength that comes out of loss and pain and grief. it’s a skill in itself and i’m so grateful to have such beautiful human beings around me, gently guiding me, holding me, knowing me. 

my friends and far-flung community have never felt so precious. 

the gratitude is the antidote to the hurt. i love you all. 

everything changes. may you all be well, and may you have ease of days. the change comes from the pain. 

🎡

x

afp