hello from tired-ass road-mom. + amanda stern, & philly/st paul podcast victims. (Patreon)

(patron-only)

hi there, dear comrades, dear patrons, dear ones....

i'm sorry, not sorry...the last weekend of tour - which was the first weekend of tour - was like a fever dream of planes and dressing rooms and mirrors and stages and piano innards and crying human beings. we almost had no merchandise in toronto. we had no merchandise in montreal. if you were in montreal, you know how we fixed that. i went to a used books store and bought books and re-sold them. i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. i don't belong here. i love you. it all worked. it always works. everything alway breaks and everything always works. i have a billion photos and links and stories that i am compiling for you for the Althing that will come out on sunday. right now i am collapsed in a post-tour pile, wondering how i am ever going to do this show 5 nights in a row with trains and flights every day. i fucked up. i just don't know. i let it get away. i'm going to do it, but i don't know how i'm going to do it.

it was a schedule, i'll tell ya. three hour show. flights every day. all the feelings. all the emotions. all the feelings again and again. why am i doing this? i am doing this. i am glad i am doing this. i am so glad. why am i doing this? 

i am trying to catch up, i am trying to keep up, it is hard.

i want to tell you all about the show, the trails, what i've learned...i don't have it in me yet. 

give me a second. in time.

i've wanted to write this general catch-up blog all week. i know you forgive.

montreal: i owe you ALL an email about the merch discount promise, and i'm working on it. it is coming. i want it to work and be perfect.

everything takes longer than you think. everything.

i was having this chat with amanda stern today (see why below). we spend our lives under-and-over-and-mis-estimating things. time things. lying to ourselves about time. lying to others about time. thinking time we think we think is true. we were like WHEN WILL BE ALL EVER FUCKING LEARN WE ARE IN OUR FORTIES.

this week: it has been all i can do to re-unite with my child and deal with the "emergency" emails and get sleep and buy groceries. 

it's gonna be like this, i think, all spring. it's fine. i signed up.

..........

i wanted to share this with you today, because i DID it today, and it wasn't what i was expecting it to be, and it healed my soul. i posted this to instagram and facebook as well:

how i’d like to spend every morning: with writer/memoirist Amanda Stern, playing piano songs about how complicated abortion feels (i performed “in my mind” and “voicemail for jill” from There Will Be No Intermission) and talking about How We Write About Truth to a group of up-and-coming artists & truth-tellers in high school who have gathered together for student-run literary festival (it’s called LitCon).

we did some writing & thought exercises and had some deep chats about how scary it is the write and share the truth of our experiences, and how we walk through the fire of judgment from there when we speak up with our art.

THANK YOU FOR HOSTING US, woodstock day school...we all left feeling a little bit braver and a little bit more sure about what it means to be an artist and to help people on the hard journey from the heart to the words and back.

......

some background.

i met the organizer of the Thing, LitCon at Woodstock Day School, at the woodstock women's march.

she came up to me and said: i go to high school here. will you come talk to us about writing? i told her if i was in town. i'd do it. i was in town. i did it..

but i didn't expect what happened to happen.

first of all, i had NOTHING planned. neil was supposed to come with me, then couldn't because he had to be in new york city. amanda stern, a writer friend of mine, was staying at my place because this weekend is also the woodstock book festival and she's on a panel there sunday. so i texted her late last night and was like

"wanna go talk to some high school kids about writing? there might be like 5 people".

she was down. we got up at 8:30 and drove over.

here are some photos:

me and amanda stern:

me and starlie, the high school student who helped organize LitCon:

and here is me, o na borrowed keyboard, in the library of a high school, playing "voicemail for jill".

if you know the song, you'll know why this felt....

....emotional.

then amanda and i talked for a long time about what it FEELS like to share your feelings through writing. how brutal the path is, but how good it feels when someone nods at you in mutual recognition and says: what you sang/wrote made me feel less alone."

that's been happening to me every day since this record came out.

i've never felt it more.

i've never felt so.....useful.

it's hard to explain.

i tried to explain it to these kids.

and somehow, trying to explain it to these kids felt more authentic than trying to explain it to the 67 newspapers and magazines that have been asking me over the past few weeks.

because they WANT to know. because they're all about to DO IT.

.............

one of the best thing that happened was one young woman telling us that she felt so much shame and guilt about her flaws. but after hearing us, she wanted to share them, to art them, to write them, to own them and frame them. i wanted to cover her with tears.

this is it, you all.

the work. 

the war of art.

another one of the best things was a young woman asking about JUDGEMENT. she was like: i want to make art, but i am so frightened of peoples judgement.

and i was like

i could bullshit you and tell you to not be afraid. that nobody will judge you.

but they will. they will judge you SO HARD. DO IT ANYWAY. do it anyway. do it in the face of judgment, do it in the face of critics. IF NOBODY ELSE WILL FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU, I FUCKING WILL.

amanda stern said: judgmnet is what people do when you expose their own fears.

yes.

....................

do it anyway.

...................

do it anyway.

get better at it, be afraid, deal with judgment, and DO IT ANYWAY.

....................

amanda's new memoir, little panic, is an incredibly good read, i'm about halfway through it.

if you grew up with any kind of anxiety disorder, or your kid has one YOU NEED TO READ IT.

it makes it all so real. the way it FEELS to be inside an anxious head, with no escape.

read read read.

https://www.amazon.com/Little-Panic-Dispatches-Anxious-Life/dp/1538711923

.............

we talked about how it fixes these things, these feelings, these so-called "flaws" to air them out, to cry, to shout in your art: THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! AM I THE ONLY ONE???

...........

you are not the only one.

you will be judged.

.........

this album, this moment, these truths....

it's all feeling very REAL.

................

on a related note... 

i posted to facebook yesterday, talking about possibly leaving facebook. 

i mean it.

i think i might. it's gotten so bad and so dark and so controlling and sad and bad.

then....

i posted those woodstock day school photos and my mini story to facebook today, and the reach was close to zero. CLOSE TO ZERO. the post got two comments.

it reached nobody.

it cannot be a coincidence.

i don't know, you guys.

then i got a tweet from someone telling me they'd posted a PAINTING of the cover art from "there will be no intermission", and facebook PULLED THE POST.

OF A FUCKING PAINTING.

A PAINTING.

AND I CAN'T SAY FUCK ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE FACEBOOK WILL FLAG AND THROTTLE THE POST

AND I'M LIKE: I CAN'T.

it all feels like the end of the end.

i'll try to write a dedicated post about this. i wouldn't just up and leave facebook without talking every aspect over with you. it would be a long haul out.

and for those asking: i would still post information there. shows and such. and i would still encourage the use of the patreon FB group. but FUCK.

FUCK.

I LOVE THAT I GET TO SAY FUCK HERE.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

FUCK.

....................

here's ash and his friend tennyson (lady rizo's son), being matching dinosaurs yesterday:

..............

FUCK!!!!!!!

..................

i'm working hard on the Althing with hayley but RIGHT NOW i need to get a couple quickies out of the way:

STAGE PROPS NEEDED FOR TOUR:

thanks to everyone who has reached out to help with stage THINGS!!!!!

here's a shot from toronto, where jenn and jamie brought, YES, a LEG LAMP.

LEG. LAMP.

IT BROUGHT ME EXTREME JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

......we are still looking for some more lampy lamps for the next few shows, motorized disco balls for all the shows (got one?? we need it!!!!!), and large under-piano area rugs for all the shows!!!!!

for more info on what's needed and how to reach out, check out this patreon post with all the details:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/its-tour-time-so-24152837

.................

THE "ASSEMBLY" PODCAST, 

people needed to chat with the podcast at the venue BEFORE the PHILLY & ST. PAUL shows!!!

yo ho ho, i'm being featured in a podcast called "assembly" that is covering a couple shows on this tour. it's going to dive deep and the podcast wants to talk to people about the show and the album! they looking for ppl willing to chat at the venue, before the philly and st paul shows.  if you're interested in participating, fill out this form, should be fun and easy: https://forms.gle/z7PHPPcWgebasRV4A 

(here's all the info...again: you'll be needed for about 15-10 min BEFORE the show!, details will come to you if you're selected!):

Hello!!! The Modern School of Film is producing a new serialized podcast series called ASSEMBLY which focusses on the "coming together" of a work of art or a performance or cultural event- from first inspiration through public premiere - from all voices involved: creators, communities, architects, and fans....

Season 1 of ASSEMBLY will feature Amanda Palmer on her current THERE WILL BE NO INTERMISSION tour! In that spirit, MSF would like to include 2-3 select chats with a small group of Amanda crowd in the series, discussing Amanda's live work, events, and impact as a performer; so they are putting out a call to Amanda-fans to answer the below questions and consent to be chosen at random by MSF and interviewed by the show's host, Robert Milazzo.

For reference::

-www.theassemblypodcast.com
-@AssemblyRules

If you're interested in being considered, please answer the below, and The Modern School of Film will be in touch directly.  Selections will be at random and chats will be arranged either in-person or electronically.

Thank you so much for your help on this!  ASSEMBLY wouldn't be possible without a real community to contribute, listen, and support - much like art and the artists, themselves - and given Amanda's singular connection to fans worldwide, there is no better perspective on her live work and art, then YOU!

Best.

The Modern School of Film
www.modernschooloffilm.com
@modschooloffilm 

.........

the people who put their hands up to be interviewed in toronto MADE MY LIFE. this isn't quite that, it won't necessarily go as deep deep deep, but it can if you want.

THERE ARE NO RULES.

I LOVE YOU ALL

I AM GOING TO HAVE DINNER 

xxx

a

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

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