a long blog about putting furniture up against the door. (Patreon)

(patron-only).

hello my loves.

i’m really….tired. i feel really alive. but tired. this shot is of me walking down camden high street about two hours ago in a borrowed scarf because it is COLD AS BALLS HERE. i'll see a lot of you sunday at Her Upstairs. and i'll see a lot of you thursday at union chapel.

i flew over to the UK the day after the dolls shows because neil is here working on good omens and ash needs a dada (and i need help).

it’s hard but manageable, moving between houses constantly because we Have To Work Where We Have To Work, and it’s starting to take a toll. now that ash isn't not just a babe in arms, disrupting his routine gets a little more dramatic every month…but we’re making it up as we go along and not failing.

 today is neil’s birthday and we’re celebrating by catching up on our emails, but we’ll be able to have dinner together :)

what do you get for the neil gaiman who has everything (and he does have EVERYTHING, so i find myself wanting to, like, do him the favor of taking a few of his ipads and phones away as a cosmic gift)?

i made him a book :) a book about all of ash's baby things. i wrote the words and chris riddell drew the pictures. it is really beautiful. maybe someday you can see it.

ok, some thoughts, because i’m full of them at the moment.

i want to be honest with you…why would i be anything else: i’m a little afraid of the video that i’m about to drop. not afraid that it isn’t good. it’s REALLY GOOD. beyond good. possibly the best one i’ve ever made, for a lot of reasons.

if all goes well, it’s coming out this week, wednesday, which means the day before my massive show with jherek in london at union chapel. i’m also supposed to be in the recording studio all that day working on my song for the wesleyan class (i wrote one! and they’re making a video for it! and we will Thing it!).

but this new song/video…how can i say…it’s a risk. a risk that i’m gonna get yelled at and celebrated and discussed and torn apart. and i made this choice. i wanted to make something big and strong and powerful. the cost of the video ballooned from $15k to $20 to $40k as i hammered and hammered to get the vision right. that means that it far exceds any money from me “thinging” it than makes sense. but art costs what it costs sometimes. 

it will make sense when you see it: it was worth it. but also…

i dunno guys.

i’ve been really careful to steer clear of things that will get me yelled at, lately. for a reason. i’ve been BUSY. i have a tiny kid. my schedule is packed. i watched the toll that 2012 took on my psyche and backed out of the arena. i was more careful with my words and posts on twitter and Facebook. i held my tongue a lot. i would weigh everything i wanted to add to the global conversation with “is this worth getting yelled at? if you get REALLY yelled at, do you have the time and energy to handle it?” a lot of the time - for the past two years - the answer has been no.

i didn’t even take to my blog when the ARTS BUILDING IN NYC THAT HOUSED MY OFFICE KICKED ME OUT OF THEIR BAR FOR BREASTFEEDING. that’s how bad it’s gotten. i was like: this is insane. everyone i told in person was shocked and disgusted and couldn’t believe it. 

and i was like: this definitely needs a blog. but i also had a two-month old and wasn’t even able to check and respond to my texts and emails and i was underslept and i was like: fuck it, i literally do not have time right now to get into this. i’ll write about it…later. 

i can’t take the time to have the conversation that’s going to arise. the arguments. the defending myself. the people yelling at me that i’m shameless. the people yelling at me that i’m only breastfeeding my baby in a bar to get attention. the people yelling that that i’m only writing a blog about being kicked out of a bar for breastfeeding my baby to get attention. the people yelling at me for breastfeeding my baby in a bar, period.

i was like: i’m too tired. 

and when donald trump got elected, i again looked down at the baby (he was one by that point) and i was like….FUCK. i should be doing more. but i’m still so tired. and i managed to protest in my own small ways and march in sydney and do what i could…..but it didn’t feel like much. i didn’t get angry at myself. i knew that being with and raising my kid came first. i was just frustrated with the timing. 

and now this. harvey weinstein opening up a global can of worms and the enlightened men and women of the world trying desperately to right a course of history that plunged into the wrong lane CENTURIES ago….

and now i’m not as tired. 

now i am ready again.

which is a really good thing, because i think i’m about to get yelled at.

(i can see my mother reaching for her phone to text me as she reads this. love you mom. don’t ask me for a link, my mind is made up.)

i showed the video to neil and he said (i paraphrase) “as your husband, and the person who you’ve asked to tell /warn you when you’re about to step in a shitstorm: yep, you’re gonna get yelled at, and just know that. i wouldn’t do it if i were you.”

but he’s not fucking me.

i mean, he IS fucking me. but….ah you get it.

i mean: he’s not me. and he’s not a woman, or a mother, in 2017.

i was like: no. i mean, you’re right, and i know you’re right, and still….i don’t want to change things. this was the script i wrote and for fucks sake it’s america in 2017 and the world needs THIS, not some censored version of THIS. 

sometimes, also, i’m wrong about these things.

i can’t tell you how many times i’ve braced myself for a huge shitstorm of yelling only to peer out of my barricaded-with-furniture bedroom head-door only to see crickets pleasantly chirping outside. dozens.

and i can’t tell you how many times i’ve done something that i thought was joyful and innocuous and the swarms of hatred descended (actually, yes i can. five. evelyn evleyn, my oasis video, the kickstarter itself, the kickstarter tour and stupid musician-volunteer thing, and the poem for the boston bomber. there. five. and i’m probably missing a few.)

anyway: if i keep batting the same odds, then i’m totally fine. 

but also, it’s nice to have this private blog and be able to talk to my inner circle and tell you that i’m freaking out a bit and starting to put mental furniture up against my bedroom head-door.

so you know how i’m feeling, and so you know what context this video is going up in.

last week, my two publicists reached out to select media to find a premiere partner. yep, your money pays for two publicists: one in the UK named nienke klop who’s worked my stuff since the dawn of the dresden dolls, and one in the US named ken weinstein who’s been with me since before the dad record. 

we talked heavily about what kind of outlet should premier this video…i didn’t want a rock site or a music site, it felt like the wrong tone. we reached out to the guardian US and the guardian UK and to Ms Magazine…all of whom felt like the right partners. 

they all watched it and ran far away.

i thought for a day or so and decided that instead of chasing the right feminist website (there isn’t now) or the right lefty-leaning website (there isn’t one) i should just put my money where my mouth is and do this amanda palmer style and just put it OUT and let it speak for itself.

which is what i’m going to do.

it’s the POINT of the patreon, right? to be able to make the art i want, the way i want it, and to not have to appease the media outlets who will only cover the easily digestible.

i tweeted about it. and it felt good, seeing the people of twitter coming onboard the patreon to support (there are about 50 of you who just came on in the last few days, WELCOME, and thank you).

it's that old feeling of feeling unspecial and not in the group with the cool art kids. man.

i'm so proud of what i've built here but i still always desperately want to be accepted by the media machine, and my feelings are still so hurt when the machine turns away from me. but if i've learned anything, it's that it isn't me. it's the machine. i know when i've made good art, because i'm enough of a professional now. i made some good art.

right now, i've never been prouder to be me.

LET IT RAIN.

i love you all, madly.

drop date is wednesday and i'll try to get it to you RIGHT before the public gets access. who knows...i may still partner with the right media folks if they come along (my old friend xeni jardin from boingboing saw my tweet and hollered that she'd love to write about it, so you never know. that might be a nice home for it, and maybe not even a premier home, just a spot for coverage.

stay tuned. i'm reading comments as usual. talk to me if you wanna. mom: i expect a text in 3....2....1

xxx

AFP

p.s. if you're one of the $10+/webchat tier patrons, and you MISSED last week's webchat from my apartment in boston, it's archived forever here!  

ALSO....UPCOMING SHOWS/WEBCASTS....

LONDON: the show in london in is a huge gorgeous church and sold out AF, and we are webcasting it (FREE TO THE WHOLE INTERNET!) and Thinging it so you can all WATCH and i hope to god you all tune in…we are pulling out all the stops to make in a beautiful, powerful show with a string quartet, showcasing all the heartfelt work we’ve put out in the past year. the bowie, the prince, in harm’s way, the ride, and so much more…it’s gonna be a NIGHT OF TISSUES. and i'll post the webcast link here well in advance of the show, but for now SAVE thursday night, nov 15th! jherek on at 7:30 and my set starts at 8:15. remote tissue party.

BOSTON: my harvard square show with chris lydon is selling out quickly! if you haven't bought tickets yet, they're here, and you don't wanna miss this one. nov 27th!! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/amanda-palmer-this-is-your-life-christopher-lydon-tickets-tickets-39309538889 

---------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

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