The Best of Intentions, Chapter 4 (Patreon)

A new status quo had emerged over the next few weeks, as Gabby and I mostly avoided each other in the apartment. Most weeks, the peak of our interaction would be when I asked her to unlock the bathroom so that I could take a shower. 

I did the best I could with trying to minimize how much I drank while at home so that I could limit how much I needed to use a toilet at all, when there wasn’t one around, but it proved to be difficult. My employers’ bathrooms were working just fine during the day - but the Burger King was starting to crackdown on people using the bathroom who weren’t patrons. Probably because of me.

Begrudgingly, I started turning to diapers more and more. They weren’t economical. They weren’t discreet. But they were the most convenient option I had.

And so, every night I would come home from work and immediately go to my room where I’d get a diaper on. It was a cruel new world of poetic justice where I was suddenly overly conscious of every move I made and everything I wore around the apartment. She knew I was in diapers now. She knew that it wasn’t my first choice. Surely, she was getting some sort of smug satisfaction out of this.

Things continued to go from bad to worse. My office was downsizing and cutting costs - and while I was thankful to have a job, I was also being tasked with working from home, further denying me access to a reliable bathroom for a portion of my day.

I tried to explain this to Gabby in the hopes that she’d relent and change her mind.

Instead, she just laughed and said: “Poor baby. You’re going to need twice as many diapers now.”

She wasn’t wrong about that. 

Maybe there were better options. Maybe there were other rooms to rent. But I was beaten down, defeated, and worst of all - I was stubborn. I started wearing diapers everyday. All day. 

I’ve fantasized in the past about being in diapers 24/7. This helpless and pathetic daydream of continually just giving into my diapers whenever the first pang of desperation hit me - until I reached a point where my potty training just slowly wore away to nothing.

The reality - my reality - was like the result of making a wish on a monkey’s paw. Despite wearing diapers just about all the time, I found myself constantly contemplating the best possible time to use my diaper. Would Gabby see me? Smell me? How soon can I change? When can I dispose of the dirty diapers so that she never sees me doing it? It was a logistical nightmare.

It was a Wednesday night, and I had taken a brief nap after having finished a bowl of leftover pasta for dinner - alone in my room. My cramping abdomen signaled that it was going to be a pretty rough night. My least favorite night, truth be told - the nights where I knew I was going to end up messing myself while Gabby was somewhere on the other side of my bedroom door. This wouldn’t be a night I could ask to use the shower.

This was always a struggle - knowing how long I should hold it for, as opposed to when I should just give up and use the diaper. It seemed pointless to hold it at all, knowing how this would end anyways, but holding it a little longer at least gave me some semblance of control.

I decided to put it off for a little while longer.

I decided to make myself a cup of tea in the kitchen not long after - a rare evening appearance outside of my room. Becoming a bit of a hermit, I found myself hyper-aware of my own movements as I walked into the kitchen. Of course, Gabby was already there, mixing up some food for herself.

“Hi,” she said with the closest thing to a smile I think she’d be capable of showing me.

“Hey.”

“I don’t see you much anymore,” she said. It almost came off as a sincere - and ignorant - observation, but I knew it to be a joke at my expense.

“I wonder why,” I replied.

“May I ask you something?”

I nodded.

“Aren’t you tired of this? Hiding all the time? Not living in a place where you have regular access to a bathroom? Diapers?”

I sheepishly shrugged, but then nodded. I was. I really was.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” she admitted. “I don’t like this. I hate it. I just want to be a normal person in a normal apartment with a bathroom that isn’t kept locked all the time because I don’t have to prove a point to my fucked up roommate who lied to me about needing diapers.”

I didn’t know what to say. I also didn’t know where she was going with this.

“You fucked up,” she said.

I nodded.

“Who else have you lied to?”

“I...I never had to lie to anyone else. Nobody else knows about the diapers except you. And that was an accident.”

For a moment or two, she didn’t say anything at all. Finally: “Look, there’s only two options left at this point. I ask you to pack up your stuff and move out, or I forgive you. But I’m not sure this is sustainable for much longer.”

I nodded, though I wasn’t sure exactly what I was agreeing to.  I didn’t want to live like this either. But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to agree to her just kicking me out either.

“Maybe there’s some sort of truce here,” she said. 

My ears perked up. “How so?”

“I’ve thought about it. A lot.”

“Anything,” I said. “Please. If there’s something I can do to earn back your respect, I’m very interested.”

“You made a fool out of me. I went out of my way to make you feel as comfortable and accepted as possible, but it was all this weird scam.”

“I wasn’t scamming you,” I said, probably sounding more defensive than I wanted to. “I...I wasn’t trying to get something out of you. It just spiraled out of control. There were a thousand points I could’ve said no, but I didn’t.”

She sighed and shrugged. “Pedantics. I don’t know what you want to call it, but you ultimately lied to me and used me.”

“I know. I…”

“Wait, just hold on. Let me say what I want to say.”

I nodded.

“You humiliated me with your little con. And, I don’t know, maybe I want the same satisfaction. Maybe I want you to feel like you made me feel: used and made a fool of.”

“What...do you want?” My heartrate was increasing, my palms were sweating. I didn’t know what was going through my mind, but it was making me nervous. She had the right to humiliate me. She had the power to kick me out. 

“I think I should give you exactly what you want,” she said. “You want to be some diaper-wearing baby? You should put on a little show for me. Show me what a little baby you are.”

My cheeks flushed red. I didn’t know exactly what she meant, but just the general idea of it struck all my nerves like a bolt of electricity.

“You can crawl around for me,” she said, pointing to the ground. “In just your diaper. Suck your thumb for me. Then, while you’re on your hands and knees, you can fill up your diaper for me while I watch.”

My eyes widened. “W-what?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “that seems pretty embarrassing to me. You, just acting like a big baby. Then, you shit your diaper for me. And then we’re even.”

“You...want to see that?”

“Do I want to see a grown man shit their pants? Do I want to see a grown man in a big diaper shitting himself? Not particularly. But let me ask you this: Do you want me to watch you doing that? Do you want me to watch you crawling around, acting like a toddler and filling your pants?”

“N-no… Not really.” Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I doubted myself. Maybe I did? That was, after all, the ultimate fantasy, right? The type of forced-humiliation fantasy that I’ve read a hundred stories about. But this was different. She didn’t actually want to see it any more than I didn’t want to show her.

“I didn’t think so.”

“When?” I asked. “When...did you want me to do this?”

“Now? Tonight? I don’t know. You tell me. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we get past it.”

Almost on cue, I felt my abdomen clench again. There was something stirring in my bowels. 

“Okay,” I said. “If it’ll get us past this, I think I could do that. Just...I’m going to go to my room for a few minutes. Collect my thoughts a little.”

She nodded. “Well, if you come back out tonight, I expect you to be in just your diaper. And on your hands and knees so you can just crawl into the living room.”

“I know,” I said. I slowly walked back to my room.