September Story - LoZ: Farts of the Wild - A Princess Lets Loose (5) (Patreon)

Link had to stop in an alleyway somewhere near the outskirts of the city. Not only was he getting tired, but Zelda was becoming unruly. She was now officially drunk. Link quickly realized that she was the unreasonable sort of drunk.

“Why are we leeeaaaaavvvviiinnnnggg?” she moaned, staggering to hold herself up against the wall. “We were JUST getting started!”

Link grimaced. They had to get her back to her room. Lugging her around like this would be a challenge.

“I wanna drink more!” She kept nudging him to get him to agree with her. When he continued his silence, she then slapped him on the shoulder, making him yelp. “I WANNA DRINK MORE!”

Link shook his head with a grave frown.

“Gah! You are just like my FAH-THER.” Link could tell Zelda’s vision was blurry, judging by the fact that her eyes had trouble focusing on him. Zelda then briefly came to her sense, frowning at what she said. “No. No, no, no, you’re not like my father. I am sorry I said that. Oh whew. I am drrrrruuuuuunk. Link. I do not think I can walk any further. You are going to have to carry me.”

Link gasped, blushing fiercely.

Zelda went limp, falling to the ground. “I jussss…” She moaned nonsense, nearly dozing off.

Link huffed.

Well.

He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder.

Zelda giggled when he did so. “Wheeeeee!”

Link shushed her.

“Oh,” she whispered. “Sorry.”

Her wide butt was right next to his face. He tried hard not to think about it.

“Wow,” Zelda said, “you lifted me…with such ease.”

Link focused on the road ahead. He picked up the pace and sprinted with her on his back in the back alleyways.

“You are so strong…” she murmured.

Link grunted, a little embarrassed.

“No wonder…you are my knight…”

With that, Zelda began snoring.

Link dwelled on what she had said, feeling his cheeks turn red hot. Did she really say that? Was that his imagination? Technically he was indeed her knight, as was any member of the Royal Guard. But he couldn’t help but think that she was alluding it in a way that had more…intimacy behind it.

The castle walls were in sight. It was very late, probably two hours past midnight. The lack of sleep two nights in a row started to hit him. He rubbed his eyes and pressed onward.

Rostam and Darn were still at the main gate. When they saw him they hurried over with worried looks.

“Link! Is that---oh. We thought you found the princess. Did you hear that she went missing? Not even Impa can find her!”

Link pretended to be shocked.

“Yeah! The king checked her room and she wasn’t there! We’re trying to keep it low but he sent out almost every guardsman out to town. He thinks she might have snuck to the festival. You didn’t see her, right? Ah, what am I saying, of course you didn’t.” Rostam sighed heavily. He then nodded at the disguised Zelda. “Your friend. He drank quite a bit, eh?”

Link chuckled nervously.

Rostam then narrowed his eyes. “Who is he? I don’t recognize---”

Link mumbled incoherently as he turned Zelda around from his gaze and went to the castle. Rostam nodded. “Right, right, we should continue keeping a lookout. Maybe look for her on the other side by the moat!”

Link’s shoulder started to hurt. He adjusted her and then sprinted quietly around the hedges through the back door that led to the kitchen. Few people would be there at this time, so he made his way sneaking past guards and chambermaids all the way to Zelda’s room. By then, he was nearly out of breath. He slowed down and crept open her bedroom door…realizing that this would be the first time he ever stepped foot inside of it.

Zelda’s bedroom was as grand as anyone would expect for a princess. He stared dumbly at it, looking at several plush toys of octorok, her vanity mirror, her overflowing bookshelf, and a picture frame of Link at his inauguration. He was stunned to see it there. It was clearly a photograph of just him on that day, kneeling before the king in the throne room, unknowingly having his picture taken from the sidelines.

Link gently set the sleeping princess down in her bed. He tucked her in, covering her entire body. He snatched the cap off and tussled her hair about.

He froze when he heard a distant voice approaching the door.

“Let’s see if she came back.”

“It’s been quite a long time. I dread not finding her in her room again.”

“Shush!”

Link hesitated before ducking underneath Zelda’s bed.

The bedroom door creaked open. Two guards shuffled in rather noisily – Rostam and Darn. They gasped when they spotted Zelda in bed. Then, in audible whispers, said, “She’s back!”

After closing the door, Link heard Darn ask, “Do we wake her?”

“No,” Rostam said. “Just tell the king. Someone has to keep watch here to make sure she doesn’t sneak out again.”

“Let me guess,” Darn began, “you want ME to stand here all night?”

“Maybe.”

“Let’s draw straws?”

Link grumbled to himself, listening to their bickering. Eventually, poor Darn remained watching Zelda’s bedroom while Rostam went to notify the king. Link remained hiding underneath the bed, afraid to sneak out. Either way, he couldn’t. Zelda’s bedroom was high atop the castle tower. The only way out was through the main door.

Before he dozed off, King Rhoam arrived. He stepped through the door rather brusquely. Darn said, “She’s sleeping.”

Rhoam mumbled something, then said, “I’ll have to speak with her in the morning. Don’t leave your post. You hear?”

Darn replied, rather sighed, “Yes, your majesty.”

“This is an important task. Take it with greater enthusiasm.”

Darn replied again, this time with more gusto. “Yes! Your Majesty!”

“Good.”

He closed the door.

Link grumbled once more. This wasn’t how he expected to end the night. He thought about possibly making room for himself on the bed. But then he shook his head at himself. No, what was he thinking? That would be a terrible idea! What would Zelda say when she woke up next to him? That was the last thing he ever wanted.

He had to sleep there on the floor and sneak out whenever she and Darn left the next morning, which could be very late. Link already knew how one overslept after a night of heavy drinking.

Link grumbled some more before sleep finally overpowered him.

#

The next morning his back ached and he had a crick in his neck. Nothing felt good. The sunlight shone through the window, making him groggy. He didn’t hear anything outside the door. He wasn’t sure if Zelda was still awake or not, but a sudden snore finally told him.

He sighed, staring up at the bottom of the bed.

To think, Zelda was right there sleeping the entire night.

Some minutes later, Zelda sounded as if she woke. She mumbled to herself, asking what had happened. Then she gasped, probably realizing that she was in her room. She then groaned.

“My head…uggggghh.”

The bed creaked as she laid back down.

She shuffled in bed.

“My stomach…uggggggh. By Hylia, everything hurts.”

Link gulped.

Zelda couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position to rest in. She tossed and turned, moaning and groaning.

Link grew worried. She sounded really sick. Was there a way to reveal himself gently? Er…he doubted Zelda would feel good about the thought of him having slept underneath her all night long. He had to stay put.

Zelda continued to groan and moan.

And then…

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!

Link’s eyes nearly bulged from their sockets.

Princess Zelda, the most revered young woman in all of Hyrule, had just broken wind.

The sound was much like her belches from last night – utterly uncouth, loud, abrasive, and terribly unladylike. Such a sound wasn’t meant to come out of a dainty, beautiful princess. But it did! And the thought of it…enticed him.

He shook his head.

He had to get his mind out of the gutter.

“Uff,” she said. “I have so much wind.”

Link cringed, feeling a fire rise in his crotch.

Zelda turned around again.

She let fly another obnoxiously long and loud fart. Link wondered what Hawk would have thought of it. This one ended with a wet sputter.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFBbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbRrrRrrRRrrrRRRRrrbbbbPPPpppPPhhhhhhhhHHHhhtttTTTTTTTtttttttttt!

Zelda’s soft moan of relief did it for him.

Link couldn’t help but touch himself. He was harder than he had ever been before. Why was he even doing it? He couldn’t fully understand, but hearing Zelda behave so unladylike aroused him so.

The door barged open and Link jumped, making him stop.

“Zelda?” the king barked. The door shut behind him.

Zelda roused from her sleep, sitting up. “Father!”

King Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule was not one to get on your bad side. Link had seen him chew out insubordinate knights. He otherwise was merciful and kind, but he still ran a tight ship within the castle. This was the first time Link heard the king’s exasperation with his own daughter in full force. His booming voice shook the room. “Where we you all night? I nearly had a heart attack. I had to put the entire castle on high alert. How could you do such a thing?’

Zelda grumbled incoherently to herself.

“Explain yourself!” Rhoam yelled.

“I went to see the festival!”

Rhoam gave a sigh of disapproval. “You know how I feel about—”

“Yes, but never about how I feel!” Zelda cried.

Rhoam stamped his foot. “You are too young to be out there cavorting with knaves in the middle of the night.”

“They are not knaves, father. They are well-meaning men and women who--”

“You know that Calamity Ganon is rumored to be on the horizon. The Yiga Clan is out there lurking about. If they were to get their hands on you…I…I cannot even fathom it!”

“The Yiga Clan is far from here, father. They--”

“They can mask themselves to look like virtually anyone out there. You have no idea how they operate. Do you think I will risk your safety at a time like this?”

A short silence, then Zelda’s low voice, “No, father.”

“Good. Now make up for it by going to your tutor. You still have a lot to learn.”

Before Rhoam left, a muffled but loud fart erupted. Link swore he could feel the vibration under the bed, and the bed might have even creaked because of it. The fart dragged on and on—possibly a minute!

“Ugh!” Rhoam cried in disgust. “Zelda!”

Link imagined Zelda’s sheepish reply. “S-sorry. Heh.”

“By the goddess, young lady. What were you up to last night?”

“Errrrr.”

“Drinking? You were drinking, were you not? You do not need to tell me. It is written all over your face. Your bowels are telling me right now. That stench! Dear Hylia! If our subjects heard you, they would immediately reject your royalty.”

Rhoam shut the door. He spoke with Darn, dismissing him from his post so he could finally get some sleep.

Zelda stepped down from her bed and went to her washroom.

She casually let slip a loud but short fart on the way there, grunting softly.

Link very slowly inched his way out from underneath her bed. He poked his head out a little first to make sure she wasn’t looking in his direction. He spotted her at the sink washing her face. She stood up straight and lifted her leg slightly.

PRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTT!

“Gah!” she exclaimed. “My bowels are so restless. Augh.”

Link waited to make sure she wouldn’t turn around. When she washed her face again, he took the moment to sneak out of her bedroom. From there, he rushed down to his own quarters, hiding behind the same tapestry she hid behind the other night to avoid two chambermaids, and then finally reached his own room.

He sighed and relaxed.

He needed more sleep.