September Story - LoZ: Farts of the Wild - A Princess Lets Loose (4) (Patreon)

The Happy Octorok lay in a quiet part of the city. The ribaldry of the festival was a bit drowned out there, and a calmer crowd hung around the street, like families and children. A street musician at the corner strummed on his lute and sang about the legends of old. Zelda admired the music for a few minutes before following Link.

Once Link opened the door for her, she marveled at the commotion inside. The tavern warmed them with the friendly glow of a hearth and torches. A musky old smell hit them but then became overpowered by smoked meat, tobacco smoke, and a few baked goods. On the main stage, a fat old bard sang out loud about finding love. People in front of the stage danced arm-in-arm, laughing and clapping.

Zelda stood at the doorway for some time, even as Link brushed past her to close the door from the cold air.

“Wow,” Zelda said. She leaned closer to him so he could hear her over the commotion. “This is it! I always wanted to see this!”

The bar was situated in the center of the tavern. There were very few open seats available, but Zelda managed to find two at the far end. Link was grateful that it was away from most eyes.

Once Zelda sat down, she felt across the bar counter and seemed speechless.

She giggled. “Link. We are at a bar!”

“I know,” he said, smiling.

The bartender, a hefty old woman with gray hair, interrupted their giddiness.

“What’re ya’ll having?” she spat.

Link knew she had a ton of customers to serve. He didn’t waste any time and ordered them two pints of ale.

“Coming right up.”

Zelda tapped her feet on her chair. Her eyes widened when the bartender handed them two large mugs. She gripped hers like it was a present.

“So exciting!” she said. “My first drink!”

Link grinned sheepishly. He doubted that she would enjoy her first drink. Most people didn’t. He held in the urge to snicker just thinking about what her reaction would be.

“Cheers then?” she said.

They clinked their mugs. Link kept watching her as he drank, just waiting for her to gag or spit it out.

Instead, Zelda chugged a good quarter of the ale. She set it down and smacked her lips. She licked her lips all around and narrowed her eyes, thinking about the taste.

“It is very bitter.”

Link raised a brow, waiting.

Zelda then smiled. “I like it!”

Link was floored. None of the other girls he knew, like the chambermaids at the castle, liked having ale with the boys at the taverns. In fact, he couldn’t recall any girl he knew who ever liked ale, much less on the first try. To think that the princess of all people had more manly tastebuds than them! The thought…excited him for some reason.

Zelda guzzled the rest of her mug in one go. She gasped for air once she finished it. Then she moaned and clutched her belly.

“Oof! This stuff fills you up quickly.”

Link eyed that belly. Maybe it was his imagination, but it looked a little bigger.

In a hushed whisper, she turned to him and asked, “Can we have another one?”

Link nodded. Sure. Why not? He was excited to see her drink. This was very fun.

So, he handed the bartender a few more rupees and they clinked mugs again. This time, Zelda drank hers in one go – something that even Link never did on his own. Aside from the other night, drinking an entire mug in one go took great effort.

“Gah! Delicious!” she said, slamming the mug on the counter.

She was about to say something else when she clutched her chest and rubbed it. “Oh gosh. It feels so…tight! Ohhhhh. I feel sick.” She bent over. “Link? I feel very sick.”

He reached out for her, but hesitated before placing a hand on her back, that awkwardness still holding him back.

Zelda hugged her stomach. “What…is…wrong with me? I feel like…I feel…”

Link feared she was going to vomit. He got up from his seat and was ready to escort her outside when she sat up straight and belched aloud.

BBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!

The sound that erupted from her was inhumane. It could have come from a moblin. Link swore he even saw some spittle eject from her. The monstrous roar relieved her of all the intense pressure that had built up inside of her from the past two drinks.

The belch had been so loud in fact that nearly the entire tavern heard it and swerved their heads round. The bard continued singing but interjected with, “Whoa, milady! Plenty of more where that came from?”

A few people laughed while others glared at her in disgust.

Zelda’s face was beet-red. She didn’t look at anyone and clutched her mouth with both hands. When she finally looked at Link she hissed in shock, “Did I really do that? By the goddess! I never belched so loud in my life!”

Link straightened when a group of unsavory burly men approached them. They were all tall, broad-shouldered, and wore animal hides. A few even had scars and paint on their faces. They were armed too, mostly with axes on their backs.

He narrowed his eyes, expecting a fight.

“Oi,” said a bald man at the head of the group. “That noise came from this wee lass?”

Zelda laughed. She didn’t seem to fear the fact that the men were twice her size. Link started to suspect that the ale was getting to her head.

“Yes! I am dreadfully sorry! Dear me!”

The bald man crossed his arms, then looked to his fellow men. After a brief tense silence, he guffawed and said, “That was mighty impressive! Not even me or any of my men can do that. Call me Hawk! This here is my gang of hunters. We admire a lass like you. And part o’ the Royal Guard too? I didn’t know they allowed women now in the guard. I guess they made an exception for ya. And I can see why! Let’s buy ye a drink!”

Zelda gave a sideways look to Link, signifying her surprise. Link wanted to advised against this but she eagerly accepted.

The bartender was about to hand her a third mug when Hawk said shaking his hand, “Nah, nah, nah. Give ‘er the boot!”

His men gasped, as did several people around them. Not even Link knew what “the boot” meant, so he raised his brow.

The bartender gave Hawk a look. “The boot? For her?”

“You heard the lass. She could take it. Give ‘er the boot!”

The bartender shrugged, then reached down underneath the counter for something.

Zelda and Link both gasped when she produced a large glass the shape of a boot. The people around them started to crowd around them. Apparently, a boot chug was a big deal here. Link had no idea. The bard even caught notice and said aloud, “Looks like we have a boot chug everybody!”

The entire tavern now laid their eyes on Zelda.

Link muttered a curse under his breath. His kept his head low. He had chosen this tavern specifically to not rouse attention. How in Hylia’s name did this happen?

Zelda didn’t seem the very least bothered. She marveled at the sight of the bartender filling up the glass boot with ale.

“This here holds one liter,” Hawk said. “Think you can handle it?”

Zelda nodded without skipping a beat. She gripped the glass once the bartender finished filling it and started her long chug.

The entire tavern fell silent. They seemed to expect her to give up early on, but about ten seconds in, Hawk started to chant.

“Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!”

Gradually, the tavern joined in.

“Chug, chug, chug, chug!”

“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!’

“GO, GO, GO!”

“KEEP GOING!”

“YOU CAN DO IT!”

Link had to cover his ears from all the screaming. Zelda’s eyes widened as she was nearing the end. Link was worried that she couldn’t take it anymore, but the princess braved on, tilting the glass further and further upwards to continue drinking.

At last, she reached the end. She had tilted the glass all the way up to swallow every last drop.

Hawk went wild, as did his men and the entire tavern.

Zelda stood up from her seat, a bit dazed. Her eyes looked as though they were rolling around like marbles, and then tried to focus. She huffed patting her now distended belly. The buttons on her overcoat were straining. It was even riding up her belly just a little bit…

Link gasped when Hawk and his men picked her up and stood her on the counter for all to see the empty glass. Zelda waved the empty glass and the tavern exploded into cheers. People at the tables drummed in celebration, while others stamped their feet.

While swinging the glass, showing off, Zelda patted her chest and let out another raucous belch that soared across the tavern.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPppppp!

The belch relieved a great amount of pressure like last time, but so much so that Zelda became dazed with pleasure and then fell back….

Link reached out and caught her before she hit the floor. She was quite limp, her eyes glazed. She had a dumb smile on her face. She looked at Link, her face flushed, and she burst out laughing.

“This is so much fun!” she cried.

She was quite heavy as Link tried to pull her to her feet.

“Ohhhhh,” she moaned, ignoring Hawk’s continued praise. “So full. But…so good.”

“Now is the real test of strength,” Hawk said. “I challenge you to a contest. First to finish gets bragging rights. First to lose…welp…is a loser!”

Link thought this was getting out of control. However, Zelda’s loose nature intrigued him. He stayed by her side making sure nothing strange would happen. Hawk may have had uncouth intentions.

The bartender filled up two more boots.

Hawk and Zelda clinked glasses. Zelda glared at him with a look of determination. Hawk’s men went “Oooooo!” and Hawk laughed. “This lass looks like she’s ready to kill!”

They started the chug, and once again the tavern cheered and egged them on. Most of them rooted for Zelda, being that she was the girl and thus seen as the underdog. Link actually was worried that Zelda would lose. She had to stop halfway through to burp, and her trousers were becoming ever so tight. She tugged at it to feel more comfortable. Hawk took the lead, and Zelda continued chugging.

Link then egged her on too. He shouted and yelled and pounded his fist on the counter, telling her that she could do it.

Hawk had to stop and take a breath.

Zelda did so too. The crowd went wild. They were neck and neck.

Zelda and Hawk glared at each other.

Zelda then couldn’t take it anymore. She popped the buttons of her trousers and overcoat, and then was able to complete the chug – baring a naked belly.

When she slammed the boot on the counter, the tavern cheered once more. They clapped and whistled and hollered.

Zelda, in unladylike fashion, wiped her mouth with her sleeve and let out a noisy belch. She sat on her stool and leaned back against the counter, patting her bloated gut, letting it all bust out. She pressed down on her belly hard, and that helped unleash another manly belch.

Hawk finished chugging and then admitted defeat. He shook hands with Zelda.

“Aye,” he said. “Thou art truly a man’s woman. What say ye join our band?”

Link then got up and shook his head, placing his hand in between them.

Zelda laughed and shook her head. “I apologize, sir. I am already sworn into the Royal Guard.”

Hawk grimaced. “Shame. Ye would do good in our travels.”

Zelda continued to laugh, but when she laughed harder, she had to stop because her belly was so full of ale that she heaved and groaned.

Hawk and his men continued to loiter around them. The tavern by then continued to their dancing and drinking and seemingly forgot about the chugging contests, going back to its normal chatter.

Link eyed Zelda’s bloated belly. She realized he was staring at it, so she patted it and jiggled the fat, saying, “I bet you were not expecting this, were you?” She snorted, then burst into laughter realizing she had snorted. Link had to prevent her from falling off her stool. He held her by both shoulders and he blushed.

“Oh my,” she said. “I think I am drunk! Am I? I cannot tell. Am I drunk? Maybe I am not drunk. Do I look drunk?’

Zelda was most definitely drunk. She could hardly focus on Link and could not keep herself steady. She snickered. “Ohhhh, this was a wonderful experience. This? This IS the life! Not that stuffy old castle.”

Zelda ordered another round for herself. Link pointed at her belly but she dismissed him by saying, “Ah, I want to drink like how much you boys drank after the inauguration.”

Link wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. Zelda might have been able to chug, but holding so much liquor was a different story.

She winked at him. “Just keep an eye on me like you always do. Okay?”

He had no problem doing that.

Zelda managed to handle three more drinks after that. Link couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. He was the only person in Hyrule who knew the princess’s secret. She could not only out-belch the manliest of barbarians but she could hold more liquor than half of the Royal Guard. She became so drunk that she stopped acknowledging her belches. She talked to Hawk about the hunter’s life outside the kingdom, scattering deep belches throughout the conversation. At this point, Hawk and his men were used to it, the novelty of it having run its course.

From across the tavern, Link caught movement at the front door. His heart skipped a beat in terror when he spotted Royal Guards entering. They were not there to have fun. They craned their heads to look over the crowd.

They must have realized that Zelda was not in her room.

“Uhhhh,” Link said, blanking out.

He tapped Zelda on the shoulder. She rudely brushed him off with one arm. He then shrugged and started helping her off the barstool and started for the back exit. Zelda protested but finally understood when she noticed the other Royal Guards.

Hawk clasped a large, sweaty hand on Link’s shoulder.

“Whoa there, lad. Leaving so soon? We were just having fun!”

Link didn’t know what to say. He kept glancing at the Royal Guards searching for them through the crowd. They nudged people aside and asked questions. Hawk looked over to them and put two-and-two together.

Hawk hummed. “Hmmm. Not supposed to be here, eh?”

Link grinned sheepishly.

Hawk nodded with a warm smile. “I’ll distract them, lad. Head out the back door!”

Link nodded graciously.

He carried an ever-dizzying Zelda out of the tavern.