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A Personal Update... (Patreon)

Published:
2023-05-19 19:24:33
Imported:
2023-05

Content

Hello everyone!

I haven't been around much for the last 2 weeks. I have not worked on Serenity or done much of anything else. I don't know much about depression, but apparently, I've been having symptoms of that for a while now and didn't even realize it. Now before you get that look, I'm not making an excuse or trying to pull your heart strings. Just telling you what's going on. I am still going to work on my games and continue as before. Every now and then, I get into these terrible slumps (for lack of a better word) where I just can't write. It's like... there is just nothing there. So, I try to find something else to do to take my mind off of that for a while. But then I don't really want to do anything. Play the new Star Wars game? Or the new FF XVI? Nah... Make a new render? I can't explain it. I just hit this slump where I want something, but nothing is satisfying. I know that is confusing (it confuses me too).

A friend suggested possibly getting on zanax. I said 'no way'. I know what that stuff does - it takes your emotions away. As a writer, I need those. As a creator trying to imagine a scene and music, I need to feel. What my problem is (and some of my dev friends know this about me)... when it comes to working on my games, I'm a relentless beast. I'll spend hours upon hours, especially once I start doing graphics. I can wake up at 7am Saturday morning and at 2am Sunday morning, I'll finally stop. I look up and realize I spent the entire day working. It really needs to stop. So, I forced myself to stop and just leave it alone. Take a little break.

I have a strong work ethic and a bad habit of pushing myself too hard. That has to change. The quality of my stories and graphics work has improved since I started, but changing my work habits may also do wonders. Setting myself a schedule and making sure I set a stop time to get some proper sleep. And try to get a better balance between my stressful full-time job and this. Sometimes I let myself get carried away working on a scene, trying to make it perfect (it never is perfect, but you get the point).

Well, all of that to say... after my little hiatus, I'm feeling better, and I have Serenity back in my brain again. With new content ready to roll out of the tips of my fingers. I have about half the episode coded and ready, so I'm not too far behind really. I just felt the need to let you all know (especially my subs) what is going on. I think I even missed doing the last weekly devlog and I hate missing those. So, I'll have to do a nice special render for everyone along with the next devlog as a small way of making up for it.

I'll try to post a devlog Sunday (public) along with a nice image. Now time to get back to dreamland and deal with 5 hot girls all merged into one... she's a hot mess let me tell you. LOL

Love to all, ...Fire

Comments

Anthony Docimo

probably also a cute mess. :) and that doesn't sound like aiming for the heartstrings - its letting us know whats going on. And yeah, sometimes the mind is blank...sometimes a nap helps, or trying to read something, imho.

Anonymous

you take your time firey everyone has there moments and its good to know it from yourself aswell, and you can always poke us for a chat

M. Swan

It's usually referred to as 'writer's block' and the best way I've found to break it up is is to do something that I would normally not even consider doing. Go horseback riding, try sculpture, build something out of wood, whatever you wouldn't normally do. It helps break the slump, because then you aren't thinking about what is holding you back, and it can make a big difference in how you perceive things.

HogRocket

I have dealt with depression since I was a young teenager. I didn't get on medication until my son was born ,I felt I needed to make a difference for him. Don't discount medication just because of one of them. The first medication I tried did wonders for me, I was in a great mood all the time (something they tell you won't happen) - until I got angry, then I went from zero to Hulk rage in an instant. Couldn't put my family through that. Meds I'm on now is called Viibryd. It helps shift your normal emotion cycle up towards the normal range. I still get to where I don't feel like doing anything (and usually don't get a damn thing done). Sometimes I still feel like just being in the house away from everything and everybody, but it's waaaaaay better than when I was not on anything. Everyone is so different, they may have to try several to find out what works for you. After being on this for 17 years I feel like it's losing it effectiveness, but when I ran out of meds once recently I could tell it still works, if maybe less efficiently. My doctor and I are tracking things to see if I need to change. Above all, just keep trying. You are never "cured" of depression but you can get it managed to where you can live with it, and recognize it for what it is. How the people around you respond to you helps. I have an amazing support group of family and friends. I have never had anyone react badly, or critically when I tell them. I am VERY open about it to everyone I know. I have had 3 different friends get help just because I was open about it and let them know it's not a failure or something to be ashamed of. When my son got old enough to understand the issue I had a looooong talk with him about it so he would know if it started happening to him. Some days you say "fuck depression", kick it in the teeth and get shit done no matter what. Other day's just have to say "it's a depression day" and tell everyone "it isn't happening today, I have an appointment with a bed in a dark room". You're not alone, and we're here to help.

Anonymous

Glad your back at it take some time and rest

Anonymous

I too also suffer on and off with severe depression. You just can't do anything, sometimes your looking for something that just isn't there. I like to just pack up somethings when I feel like this, and just disappear for a few days and go wild camping. Read a book, or just relax and watch nature. I lost my parents a few years back, they where both involved in a car accident, thanks to some stupid motorist who thought it was perfectly fine to go speeding through lights. I was estranged from them, we fell out, and it got bad sometimes with them, always being over bearing. I never got to say goodbye, no matter how much I avoided them, I still loved them and then you never think it can happen you hope it doesn't then bam just like that gone forever, and to never say bye and hug them. I can understand what you go through with the depression, and mental blocks, and often it's the right thing to just do what you think is the best thing, for me it's packing up leaving my family and just going into nature camping for a few days. It clears my head, I am sure my family don't appreciate it, but if I didn't I would just run and never return. Don't be afraid to take time off, get your priorities right, and as you have just said in this message that is exactly what you plan to do. Sleep can elude me too at times, but the way I beat it, is that I will force myself to read a book when I am laying down in bed, before I know it, I fell asleep. It's not that the book is boring me, it's like somehow my eyes just get real tired, and being in bed already is a pyschological thing when my brain probably thinks..yep I give up it's sleep time for you lol. Take the time you need, spend sometime with your family, if you need a break take it. You deserve it. When you have the time, update us, I think that's all we ask, we know your not trying to pull a fast one like so many other devs have in the past and keep doing even now, so don't worry and I hope you really do feel better!

Anonymous

I hope that you can get back on your feet soon homie You're a fine talented and inspired fella, and while depression often hits all of us it's never enjoyable to go through it be it for a week, a month a year or even an entire life If I learned something from my time going through it it's that you don't need to burden yourself over guilt. Take the time to get back on your feet, to feel fresh and ready to work. Take care man and I hope things get better for you!

Anonymous

I wish you all the best and of course that you can stand on your feet again as soon as possible and all the strength for it. After more than 10 years of self-employment I literally broke down under it and had to fire my employees and give up my company... Unfortunately, I was so stupid and dumb that I ignored all the warning signs... Please don't do the same stupid things I did! Really take time for yourself and take care of yourself and your health as best you can. Honestly! By the way, now I'm working again as a normal employee 50 hours a week with my former weekly income as monthly salary and have driven my marriage against the wall. You only have this one health, take care of it and yourself!

SHREDDER1876

i have recommended to friends who suffer from depression and other forms of stress to start listening to Audio book's, As well as when going to sleep at night. Authors i would recommend as well as there book's that i find really inspiring and get the imagination flying are. Craig Alanson - Expeditionary Force, there are currently 15 books in this series, read by a fantastic narrator called R.C. Bray. this narrator is incredible how he does the reading. you may also enjoy B.V. Larson books, but i must say listening to them is so much more enjoyable to just reading them. Jamie McFarlane also has fantastic Sci-Fi book's that are great in Audio form as well as reading. As well as J. N. Chaney has incredible books that have been done in Audio form, and many read by R.C. Bray. The main point is besides the fact that you will love these book's as well as have wonderful dream's, you will wake up with your mind refreshed and it will stop your mind thinking of depressing thought's. i also suffered though depression after a marriage falling apart and both my Grandparents i was very close to passing away, and these book's have helped friends of mine in similar situations who had there parents pass away and started drinking heavily.

Anonymous

I take Lexapro. Doesn't make you a zombie, just places you on a slightly more even keel, emotionally. May not be applicable to your issue of course - mine is anxiety. Getting out in the sunshine is also a good idea for those of us who work - and spend much of our lives - indoors. Vitamin D is important.

Anonymous

Take all the time you need if it means good story in your 2 novels.