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Good morning: From a rainy day in Seoul (Patreon)

Published:
2023-04-05 00:58:26
Imported:
2023-04

Content

The quote of the day: “Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.”

First off, let me tell you what a great mood I'm in right now.

It's currently raining and I am in my go to local cafe and JIMIN's "Set Me Free Pt. 2" has been blasting on the cafe speakers and I'm in heaven--AND NOW LOVE DIVE IS STARTING.

This is the great part about being in Korea. Sometimes I can actually just take my earbuds out and enjoy the music here. And on a rainy day like this... I'm sitting in the corner of the cafe drinking a hot black coffee and I feel like I'm in a safe space. Something about the rain has always had an intense comforting effect for me my entire life (which is why I genuinely always hated living in California and then Vegas -.-)

Today will be my first day of filming.

I only meant to take April 2nd off but instead I was dealing with a severe autistic burnout and did not sleep for 72 hours.

But last night I finally went to bed and oh my god that's the best sleep I've had in ages. I woke up at 6AM with 8hrs of sleep and I feel INCREDIBLE.

I've been taking it slow and took a morning walk and have been preparing for the day in my local cafe spot. After this post, I am officially heading back to my AirBnB and beginning filming (:

This is why the once a week release schedule has been so helpful to me, it allows me to compound my work and actually breathe for a bit. So while I just took 4 days off, I didn't realize that I never stopped moving and didn't take a rest two days or more in a row since January in Utah. Bro that's 3 months.

And Blaire is also returning today.

I won't get too much into it because it's her story to share but--while Blaire has been away, she returned to her hometown. I developed my routine in that time she was gone but I myself was not healing, and despite a positive attitude she put on, Blaire admitted she was not healing either but getting worse.

"You can't heal in the place that made you sick"

These words have been very influential and Blaire realized how badly she needs to be in Korea to heal as well but to also evolve. She just felt overwhelmed and dealing with my autism (and not knowing I was autistic) was too much for her.

Blaire is like me and has many family related issues, but I hated telling her that because I felt as though I was being a "controlling boyfriend" who was saying she shouldn't see her family.

But once again, a third party had to step in and say: Yo--Jae is right.

A lot happened but Blaire's condition only worsened going back to the States/to her family, and my autism only continued to worsen.

The third party, I'll say is Dezzy (if you're unaware he is another YouTuber), and when I told him for the first time about my autism, he instantly knew how to handle me/take care of me.

It turns out Dezz has experience in dealing with people with autism and he showed me the patience and understanding, and moreover the empathy that I needed.

Blaire and I have separate AirBnBs so we'll still spend time apart but also meet up and spend time together as we try to evaluate how to move forward in our relationship.

There's A LOT to it but--I can't move forward in my life until Blaire figures out what she wants to do because we need to develop the appropriate routines to fit each other's needs.

So that's what is going on with me!

I'm having a great fucking time rn, I decided to switch on ENDEL to help me focus on writing all this. And here is my PRO TIP for the day.

My app recommendation for the day is ENDEL (this ain't sponsored).

  • Been using this for about 6 months now so I can REALLY speak for it.
  • It's an app that plays ambient sounds/music (no lyrics only soothing vibrational flowing music)
  • There are different "modes": focus, sleep, relax, clarity, move, elements, etc. and each mode tunes to a sound mode that helps those moments
  • My favorite: Nature - you can play various nature sounds: river, ocean (yes there's a difference!), thunderstorm, wind, fire, etc. And you can even MIX the sounds. If you have AirPods, listening to this while out in public with transparency mode on is INSANE. The world feels prettier MENTALLY not visually.
  • My favorite: Smart Alarm - in the sleep mode, it plays sounds to help you fall asleep and then starts playing deep sounds so that when you ARE asleep, it helps you stay asleep and helps you get better sleep. But then it has an alarm where if you set the time, 5min before your alarm goes off, it gently introduces the alarm and wakes you up--GENTLY. It's the most amazing thing.
  • It's got widgets yo.
  • I got some photos for you to show it off! (also I've been meaning to show you guys how I design my phone/app layouts now. It's SICK and aesthetic and therapeutic as FUCK)


Anyway, I'm off the work and film!!! Hope you all have a splendid day and remember to live for yourself. If you won't live for yourself today--live for me! And if you're feeling like you can barely even move today--that's OK too. Just believe in me and that I've got enough life to live for the both of us! I'll be living for myself and for all of you guys, so let that bring you some comfort.

Live with a golden heart,

JAEHYUK PD

Files

Comments

Jesse

I didn’t realize how much I’d look forward to these updates 😩 your mindfulness and positive attitude is infectious! We’re here for both you and Blaire and know you will be able to heal together 💛 super excited to see the upcoming reactions!

SapphireRain

Thank you for sharing PD! I love getting updates like these and just hearing about how you are doing in life. The fact that you are facing yourself, making progress, and trying to move forward in life towards being happy and healthy is very comforting for me personally. It makes me so happy to be able to see it. I'll be rooting for you guys always!

mistywolf the dragon rider

This app sounds perfect for me, I'll definitely give it a try. I'm a college student and I am relatively sure I have ADHD and definitely anxiety but I have never been diagnosed. Sometimes it feels like the only way I can focus is with some kind of music playing in the background. I have a playlist with instrumentals from OSTs and kpop albums that I use for studying, and I often listen to rain sounds or gentle music to be able to quiet my thoughts and go to sleep. But I think having that alarm the slowly wakes you up would be great for me, as I'm not a morning person. It's great to hear about you discovering more about yourself and finding the support system you need. These are things I'm also trying to do so it is inspiring to see someone else going through the process.

Marly Barry

“you can’t heal in the place that made you sick” i had never heard that, thank you so much for sharing i feel like you just opened my eyes to something new what the hell. it’s 4am here and i’m supposed to be sleeping but i’m so excited because i’m gonna be meeting one of my internet friends (for the second time) that i just can’t. i’m about to take a shower and prepare myself cause i have a 3 hours bus road to go pick her up from the airport BUT I’M SO EXCITED. i feel like i can’t do things out (for the first time) by myself, and there’s this cat café that i’ve been wanting to go since months and i feel like when my friend gets here i’m finally gonna be able to go for the first time and then i can go whenever i want when she leaves. i hipe you have a great great day and night pd, wish me luck cause we’re not getting home until 12am tomorrow

beannieswife

Hope your days keep getting better pd!🤍 And omg that’s unfortunate to know from blaire :((( I’m so sorryㅠㅠ idk if she can read this but I’ll be rooting for you in whatever you want to do with your life, blaire! We know ourselves better than anyone, so don’t let others decide for you! Take all the time you need to find yourself and feel comfortable, if u need someone to talk to, my dms are open for you anywhere! they’re open for anyone in case someone else is reading too haha, I’ll be glad to listen and try to help with my 3 dollar english!! lol, sending u lots of love blaire🫂, to both of you<3

Hans Olav

Hmm.. Not sure how to write this. I think your story here has helped me alot in accepting myself as well. I was diagnosed with autism a few years ago, and since I've told a lot of people, including friends and family, and kind of feel that people take it as more of a label, than an actual thing that I struggle with. People are so quick to have to compare and say "I experience that too", instead of listening to what its actually like. I just woke up from a pretty terrible nightmare, of which people of my age shouldn't struggle with as much as I do, but when you wake up you feel a bit broken and alone. So I looked on Patreon and read your post, and it does resonate a lot with me. Some days I feel so normal and part of everything, but most days I feel like an alien, like noone would understand why I would listen to the same hours long videos of kpop idols just talking, because their voices calm me down. Its been more than 30 years of my life without knowing, and not knowing has forced me to assimilate and mask and grind me down (In the case of my teeth and stimming, quite literally), and know I'm on a journey to try and heal the damage over those years, mentally and physically. Let's get well together! PD 화이팅!

formoftherapy
>>105673453

I ALWAYS used to listen to music, but the problem is--music can be inspiring but it can ALSO be triggering or distracting based on SO MANY FACTORS, like bpm, your mood, your memories associated with a certain song... I've stopped using music for "therapy". I no longer use music for "an escape". I use music purely for appreciation of the art. Endel is scientifically engineered (so they claim) for each focus mode to help you through those needs. It's seriously been VERY helpful for my own ADHD.

formoftherapy
>>105673661

I'm glad that quote opened your eyes--it's from another Patron! See how sharing my problems, inspired someone else to help me, and now it's helping you? Everything is connected! So thank you for sharing! I know how exciting it is to meet your friend from the Internet, and thankfully you've met them before so I don't have to tell you to be safe neither :) Have a fun day and be safe purely because 12am is late!! But have fun still!

formoftherapy
>>105678321

Thank you for boldly sharing your truth and your struggles but also your own inspiring journey.

formoftherapy
>>105678321

I have been struggling, even till today, with people treating my autism as "a label" and "something you can fix" with words like "what, so just because you have autism I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?" It's difficult. But let me tell you something I read in my autism education. It's something an autistic person was telling non-autistic people. "No, autism is not a 'disease' and no we are not NORMAL PEOPLE where we can just "fix" or "change" these things. It's HOW OUR BRAINS AND NEUROPATHWAYS ARE DESIGNED. Think of us as aliens from another planet. You wouldn't expect them to speak, or think in the same way as you. They see the world in a COMPLETELY different way. It's not normal but it's not a disease. It's just DIFFERENT." Your alien comment really resonated with me because I often feel like that. But the thing is--I've always liked and enjoyed being an alien. But it's when people get mad at me, tell me I'm a freak, tell me I'm diseased--that's what triggers meltdowns. It's not any other shit. It's bullying and you projecting your values of what a HUMAN should THINK that makes me crazy. I'm not crazy, you're not crazy. We're different people, we don't need people to understand us even--we just need them to RESPECT our boundaries and our differences. Neurodivergent people like us have seem to grown up respecting other people's boundaries like that--but we don't seem to get the same respect. But I'm with you. We all are!

Marco Gennuso

Love to see and hear you doing so well! I love the rain as well, as long as I'm not caught in it 😂😂 I also enjoy being in coffee shops while it's raining, provided I have a seat lol. Or staying in and watching something scary while it's pouring out. But I am a summer child and beautiful warm weather will always win out for me in the end! Your happiness is our happiness, shared 💜🙏🏻

Isabella N.

thank you for being so open (emotionally) with us!! you’ve got a large platform, so i imagine it isn’t easy every time you open up like this, but i appreciate reading/listening to your thoughts. the quote about not being able to heal where you’re sick… damn. i started college this year and live in the dorms. i have a complicated relationship with family. generally, our relationships are very healthy. but i still have problems related to them, some of which are very deeply rooted. moving out, even if it’s not the entire year, and having the freedom to live my life and talk to my parents when i actually WANT to, has been really healing for me. i also wanna say i appreciate seeing your journey with accepting being autistic. i’ve known there was something different or “wrong” with me since i was in middle school. part of that was my mental health issues, but i could sense there was something. even before that, i knew on a subconscious level, but felt so pressured to be “perfect” that i refused to see it. i still don’t know for sure if i’m adhd or not (and don’t want to unintentionally claim an identity that’s not me). but i feel pretty convinced. when i finally just accepted it and started talking about it, almost everyone in my life immediately went “that makes sense”. my mom (who was unsure about it even being a possibility but now agrees there’s a good chance) told my dad about it and he was like “yeah.” some of my friends have been telling me since high school. at the end of my first appt with a psychologist, he me he sensed some “flavors of adhd” in me, which is possibly the funniest thing someone has ever said to me. point is, sometimes you fear judgement or invalidation from other people so much you end up being one of your worst enemies. i could’ve gotten help so long ago, not struggled internally and with school for years, if i’d been able to talk to someone about it. and it hurts to think of the child i once was who didn’t really have that support. i don’t really blame myself, the adults in my life shouldn’t have created an environment where i felt so much pressure and self-hatred. so i hope (and know) you’ll be able to heal and forgive yourself. ❤️

Ana

I've been diagnosed with autism a couple months back so I'm in the process of understanding how it affects me and how to better deal with it as well. I can relate to the struggle, but I am glad you're finding your safe place, your own form of therapy in Korea, and that communicating with your patrons helps too. I was around when you said you didn't like sharing your name and I was happily surprised when I saw it today. I'm really proud of you, for never giving up on finding your dream and purpose. Reading about your move and how happy you seem to be now gives me hope that I'll be able to find my own safe place one day. Thank you, PD 💚💚

Hans Olav
>>105678321

I agree, the thing that we are different is a source of strength and it makes is who we are, but it can also be the most lonely thing in the world. The feeling of sitting in a room filled with family or friends and feel just utterly alone. Thank you again, for your answer, PD.

mistywolf the dragon rider
>>105678911

I definitely agree with you, sometimes I worry about completely cutting myself off from the outside world with music. So I am trying to mostly use it as a way to enhance my appreciation of the world around me instead, like you were talking about with the music you love playing in that coffee shop and making the ambiance even more comforting and relaxing.

Belle Christina

it’s so refreshing to see you talk about your autism. i’ve had the diagnosis since i was 12 and there’s just so much stigma that i’ve never felt safe enough to embrace it and have hated myself for years for this, so seeing you talk about yours as someone who i look up to and admire, it helps me feel a little less insecure. also i’m glad you’re doing well!

Jennifer Gonzalez

random thought and comment, but i keep seeing tiktok’s of the boys planet trainees all over korea and seeing their ads and with fans i always think of you lol- for some reason… imagine you skit bump into one of them or smt, i jus think that would be cool for u. but anyways, nothing more, have a good day pd 💕

LoLo

"you can't heal in the place that made you sick" - SO fucking true. i was born and raised in CT and went through a lot emotionally there. Finally when I was 25, I decided enough was enough and moved down to FL and it was the best decision I've ever made. Even when I go back home to visit my friends and family, I still get anxiety and almost ptsd from being back there. Of course life isn't perfect here either and I've been going through new struggles (becoming a single mom for one, 99% sure I've got untreated ADHD [was diagnosed as a teenager and my parents ignored it] and I've started back in therapy about 4-5 months ago) but I feel like I've got a better foundation here to face these issues head on. So to put it briefly... I really appreciate how open and honest you are with us and it's honestly quite inspiring! Your last paragraph almost made me cry - today is just one of those days where I can't seem to get going so it was nice to read. ALSO, I downloaded that app! It sounds amazing - I use a sound machine to sleep and also listen to ASMR sometimes - but the added elements to the app sounds really beneficial. So thank you for the rec! I hope you have a really great day and rest of your week!

flowerbit

Happy to see that the new schedule has been working well for you so far. And that life in Korea has been going well too.

Kay Popped

I'm so glad that you and Blaire are both taking time to figure out how your puzzle pieces fit together. I remember reading somewhere that social media allows us to see only the good parts of people's lives, so we look at our own lives in the context of comparing "real" to "ideal," and that's a recipe for disaster, like hoping makeup looks as good in natural light as it does with professional lighting in a studio. Bless Dezzy for knowing and being able to provide needed support. He has always seemed like such a wonderful person, though of course I know him only through social media. I'm envious of your move to Korea, and hope something similar may lie in my future. Also, rainy days are the best as long as they don't come with constancy. I need my sunshine, too! Will look forward to your content when it's posted, and am cheering you both on!