what else can i let go? (Patreon)

i’m letting go of it all.
what i have been telling myself for ages now.
let go, meredith.
let go.
if i let it go, i let it GROW.
imagine,
a world where we all were constantly letting go.
not white-knuckled around our desires and dreams and homes and money.
if we let go whenever we noticed a holding on, a grasping.

my body hasn’t hurt as much
since i completely let go of my home.
my home.
but it was never my home.
it is everyone's home.

i wrote in September, and spoke it aloud,
“i think my house is making me sick!”

and i really believed that.
i thought,
the house is making me sick.
and maybe it was,
just, maybe not the way i imagined it was.
the house was making me sick
because with everything in me
i did not want to let go of it.

my own words and
my body were telling me
what my words and my body
knew was best for me.
and i didn’t want to listen.
i didn’t want to let go of the visions i had for that place.

it was all just a story though.
another story i was grasping at.

i knew i needed to let go,
and it took me the painful way to learn it.

thankfully, something different hit me
one monday morning,
dancing around that house,
looking at all the things in that house.
and thinking
“i have bought almost NONE of this.”
i was gifted almost everything i “own”.
i own nothing.
why am i playing this game
of pretending
as if I do?

money is the root of all evil?
or…
ownership
is the root of all evil?

the desire to own, to control,
is based in an unfelt fear.

thankfully that dance filled
monday morning,
something different hit me,
and i knew,
this isn’t mine.
and it is time i stop pretending.
that morning i let go.
and with that letting go,
came wave upon wave upon wave
of relief.

“what else can i let go?”
i wonder.
what else am I trying to control,
and possess,
and own?
when all i am in control of,
is my breathing
right now.
is my body,
right now,
and even then…
am i?

if i could let go of wanting control over my body
and what she eats,
in how she speaks,
in who she loves,
in how she moves,
what kind of relief and freedom would I find then?
could there be so much more to taste than I could even imagine?