no cell service. no wifi. just the way i need it. (Patreon)

301222
I canceled my phone plan
and I moved into a house that doesn’t have wifi,
and I plan on keeping it that way.
Last night was my first night sleeping here.
it is 5:16AM
and for the first time in a long time,
I slept through the night.
I fell asleep with Nalcoah at 8
and I woke up at 5.

I woke up once at midnight
and a part of me wonders,
if I went right back to sleep because I knew,
I had no option for scrolling or talking to anyone on my phone.
I also noticed,
bedtime was so much more enjoyable for me.
We danced to songs,
I felt absolutely no rush for Nalcoah to fall asleep.
We spent a long time reading, her reading to me, me reading to her.
We usually have reading time before bed,
but this time it felt different.
Who knows,
maybe the lack of cell service and the lack of wifi have nothing to do
with how much more ease I felt through the night.
And who knows,
maybe getting rid of those things is everything I need
to become the mother I want to be,
and know is possible for me.

my car engine blew on the highway two months ago
and it has been frustrating to get around.
and what I keep telling everyone when they ask is,
I’ll walk
or
I’ll use public transportation
or
I’ll borrow peoples cars.
well, public transportation doesn’t really exist in the US,
and I am seeing that most people are not a fan of you borrowing their car.
so,
I shall walk.

I moved to a neighborhood
where my mother is in walking distance from me
and my grandparents are in walking distance from me.
and a grocery store is in walking distance from me.
so I walk.
I walk everyday now.
I am in the walking stage of my three stages that I am learning.
the three stages of
dancing
walking
and flying.
I am trying to be good to my body.
I am trying to resist sugar and dairy and gluten and processed foods.
I know my body ca not tolerate any of those things,
or at least,
I know that I am in pain
physically when I eat them.
and
it is hard.

temptation is everywhere.
almost everywhere we turn,
there is temptation to leave your body and consume.
and it's not fair, it's not right.
it shouldn't be this hard to live an aware and present life.
it shouldn't.

and it will not be this way for much longer.