from february 20 2022 (Patreon)

i want me.

i love me.

i thought sleeping alone would be the hardest part of separating.

but instead it has been a way back to myself.

finger tip against finger tip.

breathing into the four pillows pressed against my body.

a night with no self pleasuring

but self pleasuring in the million little ways that paying attention to your body brings.

self pleasuring by noticing my self.

bringing the erotica into everything

by pausing the erotica where we’re told it should be.

sensual

sensual self

sensual self sleeping

sleeping with suffering

turning the suffering into pleasuring

finger tip brushes against finger tip.

window panes all around me

sleeping in a glass room

made of a glass body

i break so easily

i break

and i break

and i break

but by allowing the breaking

is what puts me back together.

allowing the breaking

helps me feel all the pleasure of the world.

is pain a sort of pleasure?

i don’t know

but it allows for a pleasure to enter where it usually would never reach.

the pleasure goes deeper

but then so does each cut.

deeper pleasure,

deeper pain.

deeper pain,

deeper pleasure.

by allowing the breaking

and all my little pieces laying on the floor

i become wide open for all of the pleasure of light to touch every broken piece of me.

if i kept myself together ~

(don’t break meredith

don’t break

hold it in hold it in)

i would have alllll those dark places and pieces inside of me.

but i break,

and i fall,

and i lay it all down.

throw it all over the ground.

and light comes pouring in once in a while

and in those moments i feel nothing but the pure pleasure of being alive.

it is greater now

somehow the beauty is illuminated.

somehow.

we know how.

the brokenness

the brokenness!!!!

it is healing me.

breaking and broken

and i’ll break again and again