it all gets lighter (Patreon)

hannah and andrew take me in for the longest.

one night we get high and i sit in between them.

thighs snd palms and arms touching and linked.

i think they really love me,

i wish it was something i knew instead of something i thought.

a panic attack comes on?

but by now i’ve learned to feel okay with the attacks.

somewhat okay.

they let me talk.

and it really feels like it’s okay to be saying everything i say.

i cry.

it hurts so much.

i listen to yans voice message with them.

it helps.

she gets it.

she fucking GETS it.

it helps me really feel the sadness.

really really feel it.

and it feels good,

to let it all out so much.

with other people there, holding me, holding space like i haven’t had from anyone else.

i think “i hope to be able to give this back to them some day”.

without trying to hide any of it,

i cry and moan.

we stay sitting there until the aching gets lighter, the pain gets lighter.

felt pain always leaves a feeling of lightness after it’s dug a hole a little deeper.

so feel it meredith.

remember that.

and feel it always.

whenever it comes on.

don’t be scared

of what anyone thinks.

you know the most important thing is to let things be felt.

it’s what it means to be alive.

so it all gets lighter and we stay sitting together.

i don’t remember what we talked about next.

just that it was good, i remember a smile, maybe a laugh.

maybe i just remember loving that moment sitting in between them and feeling loved.