spun into each other (Patreon)

always aching.

aching for the life i had;

yes.

but more than that,

aching for the life i thought COULD be

with gideon

aching for the years and minutes and breaths put into something that was never returned.

aching for reciprocity.

aching to be held.

aching for all the years that i was in mourning but didn’t know how to talk about it.

didn’t know how to or if it was okay

that i was always aching for something more.

more than he wanted,

more than he would ever give,

because we ache in different ways.

he aches to be with no one

or to never have to say no.

he aches to never be asked.

i ache to ask,

ache to try,

i always ask.

it was a bad match.

to always ask

someone who never wants to say no.

and then to learn that he never wants to say no and would prefer to just not be asked,

left me stumbling with thought.

can’t ask

can’t ask

can’t ask

but then where do we go from here?

if no one can ask because there is no safe feeling in saying no,

life gets frozen.

or life moves on in someone elses lane.

my life froze.

while his spun on in mine.

(photo unrelated but my only photo from today)