revolutionary to my spirit. (Patreon)

(stream of consciousness writing this morning.

thoughts turned poem. poem turned thoughts.)

Is it all connected?

it feels like it’s all connected.

every

little

thing.

in my moment of greatest sorrow

everything feels so meaningful.

weaved together

so perfectly.

sometimes I wonder

if I am coming back to believing in a god

or believing in karma

what does it mean to believe in purpose?

I don’t think I believe in anything.

maybe my fear of being in a cult

comes up so often because I know that I could be so prone to believing in something mythical.

because I already believe in something mythical.

I believe in myself.

I believe in the goodness of humans.

I believe we are so powerful and have so much more potential than we have been able to uncover -

because of patriarchy, because of capitalism,

because of greed.

because of dishonesty -

which is because of fear -

which is because of wanting to be known and then being afraid that if we are known we won’t be loved.

we won’t be cared for.

so we fear and we hide and we lie.

but I believe in

our own

power to decide.

to decide our meaning.

decide our purpose.

decide how our stories weave together,

and in what way,

and why.

why is my story weaving together like this?

why am I seeing every single similarity in myself with my mother and my father. The similarities to how they treated me and how I treat nalcoah. How I was treated and the things that frighten me in parenting.

the similarities in the things I missed and craved as a child and how I sought out those same hurts and routines and patterns and clung to them in Gideon.

he did nothing wrong. (obviously not NOTHING. we all hurt others.)

and to know that and to move towards an understanding of why we stayed together for as long as we did,

feels monumental

and so necessary.

he didn’t want me the way I wanted him.

he didn’t want to try the way I wanted to try.

he didn’t want me.

and he did nothing wrong in feeling that way.

i am an adult and i could have left at any point.

but i didn’t because i didn’t feel safe to.

not because he made it unsafe for me,

but because in my body it felt unsafe to ever leave and I needed him to want me.

and I felt that and I grabbed on to him harder.

want me!

want me!!

want me!!!!!

I screamed

and I cried.

but all of this wanting

all of my fear of being abandoned,

it was directed at him but it came from my young self.

my young meredith

my broken meredith.

I want to be wanted.

I have known for YEARS now that that is all I ever want.

and even now, being here at my mothers house for a few weeks -

The first few weeks of being separated from Gideon.

And I feel it all…

over…

again.

want me.

want me.

want me.

someone want me.

momma want me.

please momma want me.

not him,

not fun,

not them.

me.

want me!

and then

I realize I am being the same aloofness,

the same distractedness

the same.

“same same” as nalcoah would say.

the same as my mother

to my daughter.

does she feel it already?

has it harmed her the same way already?

is she aching to be wanted the same way I am?

will she look for it the same way I do?

and now here I am,

blaming all of my problems,

or my biggest problem,

on my mother.

my mother.

come on meredith.

is it because it is still too scary and hard to

write, talk, even think about my father?

the ways he perpetuated hurt and harm throughout our entire family.

and is that harm that my mother caused me, her aloofness, her distractedness, how much of that comes from her own childhood hurt, of her own father completely abandoning her. Leaving. Gone. Never to be heard from again. He didn’t want her. He didn’t enjoy her. At least, not enough. And where and how did he get hurt? And my grandmother? She was abused. She was aching for someone who decided he also didn’t want her. How much of my mother being distracted and not enjoying me came from her mother not having the ability to enjoy her. Also seeking to be wanted. To be wanted by another man. It’s always men. We keep looking for it in them. Why? Because we are following the pattern. And whenever I think about this, I think again about celibacy. When I want to fuck J or C or D I am just seeking to fulfill some hole superficially for a tiny bit of my life. Fill it with the way we have been told as women, for centuries, to fill it. With men. Men will love you. Men will protect you. Men will want you. But like I kept realizing last night, even when so drunk, I kept asking myself “meredith, do you REALLY want this? Why are you doing this?” And it was so fucking annoying. I wanted to just ENJOY it. I wanted to just enjoy the moment of being wanted in a fake way. But now I know how fake those moments are. they constantly do not fulfill what I am trying to get and I am just so acutely aware of it. I want to say that I will be celibate for the next year. But what if I’m not? then I guess so what, right? I can say it , and I can aim for that, and maybe then that will keep me off of tinder and feeld at least, not seeking these things out. But then if something happens more organically with a friend, or with friends then that happens. Maybe what I am trying to be celibate from, isn’t sex specifically, but the seeking out a fake desiring. I want to be done. I am going to be done.

The wind feels so so so good through that window right now. That window keeps pushing itself open. The wind pushes it open. Pushes it open and I close it. But not today. Today I sit in the breeze, feel the crisp air, listen to the music it makes. Dance in my mind with the kisses the air gives me on my bare legs and tear-stained cheeks.

and just now.

I couldn’t stay with it

I couldn’t stay with all of these emotions.

I picked up my phone.

I watched a TikTok.

stay with this.

stay here meredith.

stay with nalcoah when you're with her.

stay with yourself when you’re with yourself.

do I need to learn how to stay with myself before I can learn to stay with nalcoah?

it's like hannah said "you can't be with someone else in their pain if you can't even be with yourself in your pain."

and I wonder if that goes into every other type of feeling in life. pain. excitement. mourning. fear. pleasure. ecstasy. desire.