spinning, throbbing. (Patreon)

my mind is throbbing.

home.

in the house,

alone.

spinning

spinning

spinning

spinning in the car

spinning on the dance floor

spinning in the house

around and around and around

looking for that camera,

trying to fix my website,

what to pack?

where are the diapers?

learning how to breathe again.

in

out

in

out.

l o n g e r m e r e d i t h

in…

out…

in…

out…

spinning

spinning towards you.

no.

not towards you

there there’s only shame,

anger,

guilt.

neglect…

spin away

spin towards him…

I try,

I fail

I try,

I fail.

spin towards him

and him

and him.

all of them.

hannah tells me

“just remember assholes don’t get pussy”

I tell her

“but what if they’re the only ones who will take me.”

I spin towards another him.

“I JUST WANT TO FUCK”

I scream in my head.

and send all the texts I want to

the next morning embarrassment takes over

but not too much…

just enough.

I laugh and laugh and laugh

I’m learning to find amusement rather than embarrassment in myself.

I haven’t been this way since early high school.

completely all over the place.

spinning

throbbing

spinning

throbbing

body spinning on the hard wood floor.

brain throbbing in my tangled head.

hands spinning the two week old rice

round and round and round in the pot.

pussy throbbing for another him.

him

him

him.

when will it be ‘her’?

why always him.

when there is so little physical attraction

but so much desired desire to be desired.

but I would be desired more by her.

but I have taught my body

over and over and over again

to be desired in a degraded way.

degradation

I want it

even when I hate it

degradation

I need it.

even when it’s nauseating.

it takes me away

up and out of my body.

into pure pleasure.

pleasure mixed with pain

but I want her

I love her

I live for her

with her.

but for now it’s only hims.

and I am learning amusement rather than embarrassment

in myself.

in my body

and her desires.

be amused,

you are beautiful.

be amused,

you are to be celebrated.

be amused,

you are cherished.

I’m learning.

I’m learning.

I’m learning.