poem from February 8th 2022 (Patreon)

Nalcoah asleep in a strange room.

i walk out to the living room with everyone else.

i drink.

i drink more.

and more.

7 glasses total throughout the night.

Emmy and Dawson come in.

Emmy puts Auren to sleep in the bed with Nalcoah.

Emmy reading my poem, my mouth dries up.

her reading it with me in the room

and so many others in the room

was the most exhilarating feeling.

i want to hear her read all my poems out loud.

there was nothing like that experience.

Auren and Nalcoah wake up, crying.

Emmy and Auren and Nalcoah and i all in bed.

Nalcoah staring at Auren.

Emmy comes over to cuddle me after Auren is asleep.

she whispers “i’ll squeeze in next to you if that’s okay”

i pull her legs closer to mine.

cuddle Nalcoah.

Auren fusses,

i put my hand on his chest.

Emmy relaxes against me.

we lay there,

the four of us.

our babies and their mothers.

our friendship,

so special.

Emmy,

so beautiful.

so radiant in spirit.

to be loved by her is unlike any kind of love.

to be loved by anyone is always unlike any other kind of love.

do we all have a love that is so unique,

so personal?

so indescribable of love from any other person?

i don’t get Nalcoah back to sleep until well after everyone but us has left.

i leave the bedroom so so slowly, not letting a single sound of the door come alive,

i sit down.

i drink more wine.

Hannah laughs,

i laugh.

we’re both drunk.

we leave around 1:30

Nalcoah and i in the backseat

talking with Nalcoah while drunk,

holding hands,

she says “i love you mama”

no matter how many times she says it,

each new time feels like my heart will break.

Lucy Dacus playing.

2 am in the car.

flying through space.

going so fast.

the end of a week in ohio.

a hard week but also the most fun i’ve had in so so so long,

and Hannah says "for Nalcoah too."

i can be okay alone.

i don’t need to sleep next to someone.

it can be hard and it can be good.

it will be hard.

and it will be good.

and it is.

the next morning we leave early.

three hours of sleep.

a hangover coming on. but the pain feels good; necessary.

it feels right when i experience some form if physical pain when i am in emotional pain.

it feels complete.

driving in a daze, but not a dangerous one.

reaching back and holding her foot to put her to sleep with trash all over the floor of the car.