Digital Boundaries, Part 1 - Partnerships (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

Something I always want more discussion on is the topic of digital boundaries. Then I realized – I haven’t really discussed it yet, either. So, let’s get into it.

Most of our in-person relationships have a digital element. Originally, this was going to be a one-and-done resource. Then I kept adding and adding, thinking of different angles or caveats. So let's break it up into a couple parts. Today will be focused on active partnerships.

Part 1 : Digital Boundaries in Partnerships

Since some people don’t use "partner" as broadly as I do, I’ll clarify a bit. This section will be about any intimate romantic, sexual, queerplatonic or “platonic life partner” connections. Below are some main points I keep in mind on this topic. Hopefully, that can be of service to you.

I'll make a caveat up front about abuse, because some people who can't yet leave abusers are not in control of their digital privacy. This extends to people under authoritarian governments with state monitored internet. If you love someone who is in that position, carefully navigate those bounds together offline. Agree on code words, especially if they need to signal distress. Be self protective around sharing your own private info digitally until they're able to leave. And listen to them about what you should never text them (such as criticizing the abuser or helping plan an escape) until their safety is secured.

The rest of this discourse will assume everyone involved is free, and not digitally controlled by an outside party.

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What platforms feel appropriate?

Giving someone your WhatsApp is different than giving them your Snapchat. Following your public TikTok isn’t the same as joining your private Discord server. When considering the digital spaces to invite or exclude partners, I mainly ask what I’m discussing there. Would I self-censor if they were present? Would I want some digital alone time with other connections, or would those connections feel awkward if my partner was there?

If exclusion causes insecurity, the answer is not to just let them into every space, especially if other people are there with the expectation of privacy. The answer is for partners to trust us. If they don’t, we figure out a way to build that trust without making us (or anyone else) uncomfortable in the process.

Politics of liking and following

Social media engagement is so under-negotiated, and so ripe for miscommunication. I can’t even count the number of relationships I see in crisis because their partner liked a hot person’s photo, or they still follow their ex, etc. 

For current partners, I appreciate getting likes or other validating feedback. It’s a nice way to stay connected to them from afar. But context matters. If they follow my IG, and I share (consensually) about a conflict we had recently, what does it mean that they saw it but didn’t like it? Or, if they know I’m dating someone new, what does it mean that they started following my new partner? Digital engagement is often incomplete communication. When confused or jumping to conclusions, let’s pause and clarify with them.

Politics of unfollowing or blocking

It’s less common that an existing partnership needs unfollowing or blocking. But, during conflict or stress, I’ve gone through seasons of wanting to see less of them while scrolling. And while I don’t think it needs to be stigmatized, it might need to be talked about first. (e.g. “I’m really happy you both got to go on this amazing vacation. I’m feeling a bit sad about it, so I’m going to briefly unfollow or even block your account so the algorithm doesn’t suggest it to me. But you’ve done nothing wrong, and this is temporary while I process my reactions.”)

Expectations of public visibility

Do we assume our partner will publicly post about us? (And if they don’t, does it mean we’re not doing well, less important or even a source of shame?)

Do we figure they’ll give us a heads up before posting about someone else? (And if that hasn’t been discussed yet, are we obsessively checking their profile or conversely scared to look?)

Public digital spaces can surprise us with info we didn’t expect to see, or make us feel sad that we’re not represented how we’d hoped. Are we safe? Do we matter more or less than other people? These expectations, and all the implications that come with them, can be addressed directly. Especially if we notice ourselves wondering about it alone in our heads, let’s just talk to them and get on the same page.

Expectations of public privacy

Do we assume our partner's dating profile will omit our image? Or what if someone in the polycule is not publicly out – would our visibility potentially out them? 

As well, do we trust a partner would ask before giving our social media handles or Google-able last names to metamours? Even well-meaning people can cross those lines if they’re not explicitly stated. Such things can be negotiated with everyone involved to see what is “reasonable,” and how we can protect each other.

Expectations of availability

Have you ever waited on a text back, or been told they're too busy, and now see they just posted to Stories? "I know you're actually available" moments can range from mild annoyance to a spiraling crisis. 

As well, sudden changes in availability can cause stress. If they were just texting us every 1-2 minutes, and then go offline, was it something we said? Are they in a business meeting? Are they out with another partner now? 

There's no singular way to handle these things. It depends entirely on the stakes, the needs, and the people involved. It can also help to find mutual understanding of everyone's calendars and their priorities, both short- and long-term. 

Metamour phone access

What happens when a metamour can see our partner's texts or photos?

Most polycules with non-hierarchical intent establish hard lines around partners seeing each other's private info. If a meta has access to their device, and we don't trust them to respect our privacy, it could be a larger conversation about trust within the group. 

Seeing personal info can be an accident though, especially with nested partners. For example, I watched a YouTube clip on my phone with a partner, and the first few sentences of a spicy text popped on screen. They didn’t want to see it, they weren’t trying to see it, but they did. We set up new bounds to not watch videos on each others’ phones unless they’re downloaded and with Airplane mode on. I also set my locked screen notifications to say “Message from _____” instead of a preview of the text itself. Accidents happen, but we can do our best to minimize them.

If you are in a hierarchical dynamic though (and especially if you’re in 2nd or 3rd place by design), it might be good to double check if there are rules that entitle the primary to full phone access. Sometimes, those rules are in place because they’re scared of dishonesty between them, or they’re negotiating transparency with only the dyad in mind. I don’t personally recommend rules like that though, because they don’t give other people the ability to consent to having their info reviewed by a metamour. Let’s ask the hard questions and challenge any rules that could violate someone else’s privacy or boundaries.

Continued digital consent

It’s easy to get comfortable and assume something is ok, especially with long term partners. And maybe that can work in person, because we can read the room and sense their mood. We have all this other nonverbal communication to gauge if smacking their ass for the 1000th time would be playful or upsetting right now. But all that gets stripped away in a text. We might wake up feeling playful, and want to send a sexy pic while getting in the shower. But maybe they woke up with a migraine, and just saw some upsetting news on their phone. Even if they’d normally love a shower pic, is now really a good time to surprise them with that? Let’s ask.

This extends to conversation topics, too. Before I text a partner about my date, or vent about a fight with my mother, I check in if now is a good time. It’s just an extra layer of consideration, in case they’re in a totally different headspace or would rather hear it later.

IRL phone etiquette

Way too many conflicts stem from a partner looking at their phone while on a date, or texting with a crush while sitting next to someone else. Our phone is often an extension of our social, romantic and sexual life. Are we mindful about when we invite that into a physical room with a partner?

The bounds can vary dramatically, depending on need and context. If a partner is insecure about our new crush, and we agree to spend quality time together, we probably shouldn’t sneak a text to our crush during that time. But if that tenderness doesn’t exist, and it’s a normalized practice to text with other people while together, the stakes are much lower.

We can also set bounds on what’s reasonable for partners to ask of us. If we coparent with a person, it might not be ok or even possible to go 100% offline during a date with someone else. But we could agree to only interrupt the date if the topic is a childcare emergency, etc.

It’s important to factor in neurodivergence here, too. I have partners with ADHD who struggle to focus without several stimuli at the same time. If we’re watching a movie together and they’re playing a game on their phone, I know they are still present with me and can carry a focused conversation. It’s different than someone else who might be signaling disinterest or distraction by doing that.

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Like all boundary conversations, we can revisit, clarify and renegotiate them at any point. Maybe we have an idea of how a good option will look, but in practice it feels weird or has unexpected downsides. Let’s stay open to conversations.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

xx

Morgan