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"Are we still dating with monogamy bias?" (Patreon)

Published:
2022-10-30 11:00:06
Edited:
2023-04-24 10:09:36
Imported:
2024-04
Tags:

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Great news that the 2nd workshop with @polyphiliablog is happening next Sunday, November 6 at 10AM PDT / 1PM EST / 6PM London.

If you missed the previous workshop on preventing / managing conflict in polyamory, the recording and transcript are available for purchase: chillpolyamory.com/shop

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Alrighty! Good morning, and I hope you've been having a lovely week.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how mononormativity can still creep into our dating experiences. Even if you are monogamous (as quite a few patrons are - hi!), I think there's still value in examining whether a dating ritual or expectation is really what you want, or if it's "just what you're supposed to do." We always want to be intentional, and not on autopilot.

This video won't cover all of the ways it can show up for us, but hopefully my thoughts can resonate and be helpful conversation starters.

Chapters:

00:00  Intro
00:55  Equating escalation with the health of a relationship
01:25  Comparisons
02:49  Resistance to disclosure
04:29  Entitlement to their free time
05:54  Prioritizing sexual over non-sexual relationships
08:43  Fluid bonding monogamy and/or polyfidelity
12:20  Broad couples privileges
13:53  Outro

Automated transcript PDF (attached at the very bottom of this message) via Otter AI

Warmly,

Morgan

Files

Are we still dating with monogamy bias?

Comments

Voula Pap

Thank you so much for this, loved it! I have been struggling with dismantling the hierarchy ingrained in my brain and it's so nice to hear you talking with compassion and understanding, because I have been feeling like a bad and dishonest person from time to time. But I am trying. And it's really helpful to understand where these notions are coming from, systemically. I think I have been working on my comparing people for a while now, but this is something i noticed pretty much everywhere, not just in the relationship field. I personally also link it to capitalism and all this frenzy of being the best and the notion that there's only one spot at being the best and how closely it is linked to being successful. And coming back to relationships, this is translated as if this is the partner you've been with the most, or the partner you're living with, or the partner you spend more time with, it must mean that you prefer them to the others and they're your favorite. I think it's not the comparing that's bad, it's the ranking due to the comparing that is damaging. For example, one of my partners is a clean freak and the other is very very messy. This is a fact and a comparison and I don't find it bad. It becomes problematic with the immediate assumption that partner A is better than partner B because they are cleaner. And this assumption comes by the default rule of society that tidy is good, messy is bad. And in the end, this is what we have to question, all these default rules that we unquestionably grow up with. Sorry for the long comment, I think I just made progress in my head on that while typing as well! Thank you for the book recommendation too!

Corrinne Greer

Thank you for this video! I’ve been actively deconstructing some of these ideal within myself daily (mostly around resistance to disclosure). The fluid bonding was most interesting to me!! At the moment, I have chosen to have sex as a sacred part of my life, which means I am really critical of who I engage with in that manner. Sometimes in the poly world though I feel a little broken because I’m not as open to as much fluidity of threesomes or something like that. I’m really sensitive to energy exchange and struggle with understanding how much is holding authentic boundaries for myself in how I choose to engage and how much is mononormativity.